


Through Stained Glass Eyes

by ouchsolo



Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Consent is Also Sexy, Disapproving Family, Disgusting Fluff that will turn into Disgusting Filth, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff and Smut, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Na Jaemin is a Panicked Gay, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Safe Sex is Sexy, barely rivals to lovers... if you look closely, churchboy!jaemin, nomin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:53:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 57,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26092168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ouchsolo/pseuds/ouchsolo
Summary: Jaemin Na was the perfect suburban boy with the perfect suburban parents and the perfect suburban girlfriend. He never missed church on Sundays and worked hard to be the image of the best person he could be. However, moving to the city showed him a lot more about himself than he anticipated, and when your past mistakes are staring you in the face it’s hard to look away from them.It’s not until a certain tattooed boy comes along and shows him just how easy it is to be himself that he realizes who he was all along.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 35
Kudos: 257





	1. New Home

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! this is still a work in progress and is ongoing but I wanted to post it because it is so near and dear to me that I wanted to share it with the world. And as with most things on the internet, if you don’t like, don’t read!

Jaemin Na went to church every Sunday, carried a bible in his backpack, and had family dinners every Thursday night. In high school he was the most impeccable poster child for purity and good manners. He exuded politeness and grace and truly it was like a light followed him everywhere he went. He took a year off to volunteer in a small neighborhood in Brazil, but saved up and went alone without any intention to preach because he researched the dangers of mission trips. He was perfection, literally holier-than-thou, and when he came back to his suburban town just outside Portland he was the same sweet boy. However, starting university for the first time after having been away for so long was daunting, more daunting than the old testament, but he figured it was a good chance to escape again- find himself.

But he definitely couldn’t have been prepared for what he was going to find.

Portland State was nestled in the heart of the city, and though Jaemin’s father wanted him to go to the bible school he taught theology at, Jaemin had different plans. He wanted to be a teacher, and shaping young minds was almost as noble as being a pastor, almost. Thankfully his parents trusted their golden boy with everything, as he’d never given them any reason not to, so they allowed his personal choice.

“Remember, the church on campus is open seven days a week, and they host a youth group with the local high school I think you should look into. I know how much you like helping people.” Jaemin’s mother was placing a few of her knick knacks on Jaemin’s dresser in his apartment, putting them neatly in a row before turning to face him with a grin. “Oh, my beautiful boy,” she hummed as she stepped closer to him and grabbed his face in her hands, squishing what remained of his cheeks with a love he couldn’t be embarrassed at. His mother was doting and a lot, but she loved him more than anything, and for that he was grateful.

“Thank you, mom, really I appreciate you helping me today. I’ll come home every other thursday for family dinner, okay? Promise.” Jaemin allowed himself to be embraced into a squeeze of death before pulling back with a smile that could illuminate streets, ready to be alone for once. 

“I’ll tell your father you got in okay, he’ll want pictures! And don’t forget to call that sweet girlfriend of yours, she posted about you on Facebook yesterday.” His mom picked up her clunky Michael Kors bag and made her exit with a double wave and a grin white enough to see from space. It was genetic. “Love you sweetie!” She called out one last time before shutting the door behind her.

Jaemin released an exhale when he heard the comforting _click_ of the door, signaling that he was finally at peace. “Love you too,” he mumbled to himself. He looked around at the half brick, half plaster walls of his loft apartment, with a large window that looked into an alley below, a small square that opened into the fire escape was propped open to let some air in, and he admired his metal stairs and new couch and dining table he was so graciously given by his parents. Across from where he stood he could see his soft brown hair and plain white t-shirt in his mirror, a usual staple of his outfits. The upstairs just had his bed, but he was sure he’d decorate soon enough. He’d only been back in America for a couple months, and the city provided multitudes of opportunities for self expression.

As he finally plopped himself down on his couch he felt his phone buzz, an audible groan leaving him as he pulled the piece of metal from his pocket, eyeing the contact on the illuminated screen. _Isabelle._ He sighed, for reasons he couldn’t quite place, but he blamed it on being tired as he answered the call.

“Hey, Is,” he said softly, a polite smile playing at the corner of his lips as if she could see him as he played with the fray on his jeans.

“Hi, darling! How’s your new place?” Her voice was sickly sweet, like artificial strawberry and bath and body works perfume. There was a familiarity to it that was backed by years of bible study and church camps and joint family dinners. She was there for almost every milestone in his life, and he guessed it just made sense that they got together. It wasn't the be all and end all, but for their families it might as well have been. Isabelle asked Jaemin out in senior year before he left for Brazil, and did long distance the whole time he was there. They spent some of the summer together, but Jaemin was mostly busy catching up with family and his friends. His best friends, Mark and Jisung, occupied most of his time, but Isabelle never seemed to mind.

“It’s great, I can’t wait to show you around. We can get sushi or something.” Jaemin smiled to himself and listened patiently to her exclamations on the other side. She was too sweet for her own good, truly, but Jaemin was grateful when she said she had a book club to attend to.

“Well, I need to go now, honey! I’ll facetime you later?” Her voice was expectant, and Jaemin couldn't resist despite how tired he was.

“Yeah, that’d be great, bye!” With that he hung up, tossing his phone on the coffee table before he could be forced to look at it again. He leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes, letting himself succumb to an ever so inviting afternoon nap.

A week had passed since he moved in and Jaemin was knee deep in classes. Thanks to him taking all AP classes his last two years of high school, he was able to start sophomore year as a sophomore and not be behind, but having missed out on a year's worth of school was taking a toll on him. He was taking intro to early education, intro to psychology, math for early education, and a gender study course as an elective (but his parents didn’t need to know that).

Jaemin was walking to the library on campus, his airpods in so he could tune out the sounds around him and talk to his friend, Mark, on the other end. 

“Okay but please come up next weekend, and bring Sungie. I miss you guys. I didn’t realize how lonely I’d be-” He was cut off, a solid force ramming into him and causing him to drop the book he was holding in his arms. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” he said frantically, watching as dark red hair and broad shoulders leaned down to pick up his book before standing up straight to give it back to him.

“No worries,” his voice was deep, smooth, and was accompanied by a small smile, and Jaemin was sure the wind had been knocked out of him upon seeing him. The man was unlike anything he’d ever seen, cherry hair and a dangling piercing and a cluster of tattoos visible under the lines of his black t-shirt. “If you wanna stare I might have to pay you,” the stranger said with a light chuckle that pulled Jaemin from his trance, causing him to make eye contact which made the situation altogether worse.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he croaked out, taking his book back and holding it tightly against his chest. “Thank you.”

“No, thank _you._ ” The man grinned before giving Jaemin a playful wink and continuing on with his way, leaving Jaemin to deal with the reality of what he’d just experienced. Was he just hit on by a man?

“ _Jaemin? Jaemin! Hello!”_ Mark was yelling over his airpods, causing him to cringe at the high pitch in his ears.

“Yeah, yeah I hear you!” He shook off the awkwardness of the random encounter and continued on towards the library, needing passing grades more than a chance to process information. He was a master at repression.

“ _What was that?”_

“I just bumped into someone, you know me. Anyways I have to go- library. Text me what time you’re coming, bye!” Without giving Mark a single second to respond, Jaemin hung up, something he was apparently good at these days.

Another few days had passed and they were entirely mundane, like the slow drag of corn growing in the fields at night. Jaemin was starting to find himself going through motions, and quickly too. He expected he’d get bored eventually but not in two weeks, and he was desperately waiting for the third week to come so he’d get to see his friends, but until then he knew he’d have to find other ways to occupy his time besides reading his scriptures and facetiming Isabelle. It was a Friday night and he was going to just sit alone in his apartment, do homework, and maybe order some Thai food, but a light tap at his door signaled other plans.

He stood from his couch, bare feet padding against the wooden floor as he made his way to his front door. Jaemin gave himself a once over in the mirror, a bit embarrassed by his wrinkled church camp t-shirt from high school and blue plaid pajama pants, but whoever was bothering him was just going to have to deal with it.

As he opened the door his eyes were met with a boy. Slightly confused he gave the stranger a soft smile, admiring his faded baby pink hair before scrunching his nose in a nervous laugh. “Uh, hi, what can I do for you?” Jaemin said with the most welcoming smile he could give.

“Hey, I’m Renjun. I saw you move in a couple weeks ago and I noticed you live alone so I thought maybe you’d enjoy a party? I’m having one a few doors down.” The boy, Renjun, was wearing a black bowie t-shirt tucked into black ripped jeans, and his small frame was accentuated by his clunky doc’s he wore at his feet.

“Hi, Renjun, uh…” Jaemin trailed off, his cheeks burning in even more embarrassment as he took in how cool he looked compared to Jaemin’s pajamas. He watched Renjun’s gaze glance down and read the text on his shirt “ _Grace Pines”_ in Microsoft Paint cursive and he knew he’d immediately been exposed.

“Unless that’s not your thing. I totally understand. Let me know if you need anything, though.” His neighbor gave him an awkward wave before turning to head back down the hall.

“Wait!” Jaemin called out, hanging himself out of the door frame to meet Renjun’s gaze once again, innocence and curiosity pouring from his eyes. “I’ll be there. Thanks.” Renjun gave him a light laugh in response and quick thumbs up before continuing down the hall, disappearing around the corner towards the faint thrum of music.

Jaemin shut the door with himself inside, taking a quick breath before running up his stairs to the loft, frantically digging around in his clothes for something other than target jeans and plaid button ups for church. He silently cursed himself for being so _plain,_ but it was all comfortable and acceptable and safe. Jaemin always did safe. His car was safe and his clothes were safe and his girlfriend was safe. His hair had been a soft brown his whole life, and even when he went to another country he went fully equipped with books of knowledge behind him, so afraid to step on toes or offend anybody. Everything he did he did with the grace of God, and with the intent to spread peace, but damn if it didn’t make him a bit boring.

Finally after almost ten minutes of agonizing he settled on his only pair of ripped up jeans and a black t-shirt that hung loosely on his shoulders. He mimicked the stranger that had knocked on his door by tucking the front of his shirt into his jeans and slipping on a plain black belt. He looked well enough, and as he headed out the door he slipped on his white converse that had been ever so slightly dirtied from constant use. 

Without wanting to give himself a moment to overthink he made his way down the hall, feeling particularly exposed as he did. The outfit he was wearing was nowhere near as drastic as it felt, but something about the meaning he was trying to convey with it made it feel intense. What meaning was that exactly? He couldn’t quite tell.

As Jaemin got closer to the door he reached a hand up to knock, but as the loud music thumped on the other side he decided that was pointless, and instead reached down to grip onto the handle, taking a deep breath before twisting it and pushing himself inside.

The walls of his building must have been made of steel because the muted music in the hall was nothing compared to the assault on his eardrums when he stepped into the packed apartment. He shut the door behind him and glanced around in the dim atmosphere, the glow of lava lamps and fairy lights illuminating his eyes like a child on christmas. There must have been a blacklight somewhere as neon writing was adoring different paintings on the walls. Renjun must have been an artist, Jaemin thought to himself.

“Hey! You came!” He heard a shouting from the crowd of people in front of him, his eyes straining to find it’s source before he saw Renjun emerging from between a couple getting a little too close for comfort, but Renjun didn’t seem to care.

“Uh, yeah! I did!”

“What’s your name again?!” Renjun yelled into his ear.

“Jaemin! I’m- I’m Jaemin!” He shouted back.

“Ok! Well, have fun!” With that Renjun was gone again, a man of few words, and Jaemin was once again alone. He took another deep breath before scooting his way around the crowd, keeping to the edges to avoid being stuck in the madness, and as he did his little walk around he found the drinks table. Jaemin’s eyes scanned over the red solo cups and he knew exactly what they were, a curiosity burning in him to pick one up and take a sip, but he obviously decided against it. He continued on his way, eventually finding an escape down a hallway. This apartment was much bigger than his, at least three bedrooms and a bathroom. His eyes fell on the gender neutral bathroom sign and smiled simply to himself before knocking, and waiting, and upon hearing nobody on the other end, he pushed inside.

Thankfully the bathroom was empty when he entered and flicked the light on, and when he shut the door he felt like he could breathe again. Jaemin leaned his hands against the sink and stared himself in the mirror. There was something he felt like he wanted to do, as if it was his purpose for coming to this random party in the first place. He was never one to overthink his actions unless it was to determine if they were honoring God, and he didn’t exactly feel like he was sinning just standing in that bathroom, but the guilt crept into his stomach and stirred itself with the increasing boredom and curiosity that plagued his mind since he arrived in the city. He suddenly felt sick, a familiar friend his whole life and the usual reason he never did anything bad. Jaemin gave another quick examination to his skin and simple hair and broad shoulders, feeling somehow more himself in that random bathroom than he did alone in his apartment.

“Why are you here, Jaemin?” He said to his sullen reflection before retreating from the sink, rolling his shoulders in an attempt to relax before turning to open the door, as he reached for the door knob he felt it escape from his grasp, flinging open as someone tumbled inside, knocking into him and pressing him back into the sink. The person was a blur of drunkenness as he slumped against Jaemin, trying to regain his composure as he stood up straight. Jaemin reached his hands out to grab large shoulders, hands stabling the stranger as best he could.

“Why are you in my bathroom?” The guy said as he lifted his head up, smiling lazily at Jaemin as he did. When their eyes met Jaemin felt the air leave his lungs, it was him, the guy from a few days before. His cherry red hair matching the flush in his cheeks. He was much less cool now, and smelled much more like cheap beer.

“Uh- I should’ve locked it, I guess.” Jaemin peeled himself away from the sink and quickly pulled his hands back to his side, confident the man could stand on his own now. 

“We’ve gotta stop meeting like this.” The man stepped back a bit to give Jaemin some space, opting for leaning against the wall instead. Despite his tipsy state he stared at Jaemin with an intensity that made his skin crawl, like he was able to see beneath his clothes and through his skin and straight into the heart beating in his rib cage. His eyes were intense, and accentuated with eyeliner and a small mole on his cheek bone. Everything about him was strange to Jaemin, because he’d never seen anyone so… striking. “I don’t even know your name.”

Jaemin contemplated for a second, knowing that talking to this random man in a bathroom who was intoxicating him just with the smell of alcohol seeping off him was probably not going to lead to any graceful conversation, but he couldn’t think straight enough to care. “Jaemin,” he said simply. “Jaemin Na.”

“Jaemin,” the stranger echoed back. “That’s a nice name. I’m Jeno.” This _Jeno_ wiped at the corner of his mouth, trying to stand up straighter and look less disheveled. “So what are you doing in here?”

“You barged in on me, remember?” The comment was playful, as Jaemin was always naturally personable, but he couldn't deny the thrumming in his chest and the cottony feeling in his throat, so he tried to hide it with witty banter.

“I came into _my_ bathroom in _my_ apartment.” The emphasis on _my_ brought the uncomfortable warmth that had nestled in Jaemin’s palms up through his arms and directly to his cheeks.

“Oh, you live here? With Renjun?” Jaemin pointed to the door behind him as if to point at Renjun himself.

“So Renjun is the one who invited you, huh? That bastard.”

“Pardon?”

“Renjun. He sees a cute guy and the next thing you know said guy is in our apartment.” Jeno spoke as if it made perfect sense, like this was a totally normal conversation to be had.

“I don’t- I think you’ve misunderstood. I just live down the hall that’s all I’m not… here for Renjun.” Jaemin was suddenly hyper aware of the small space, only a couple feet away from Jeno if that, and his exposed arms felt like fire were burning every hair off his skin. His dry throat nearly closed and everything was too much too fast. He didn’t understand why he was feeling that way, but the same guilt was constricing his organs and threatening to take him down entirely.

“Oh, I see.” Jeno pulled himself off the wall and stepped closer to Jaemin, somehow making him feel more trapped than he already had. “Sorry for assuming.” His head dipped slightly as his hand reached out to grab the golden chain visible above Jaemin’s shirt. The cross at the end rested delicately on Jeno’s large fingers, like a mocking piece of fool's gold Jaemin had hoped so badly would bring him riches. “It’s pretty. Such a shame it tells you what to do.” Jeno looked into Jaemin’s eyes, as if challenging him to prove him wrong, but Jaemin couldn’t move. He was frozen- a man possessed. After a few more suffocating moments that felt like millions of years, Jeno dropped the chain, retreating from Jaemin to the wall once again. “Now if you’d be so kind, altar boy, I do actually need to use this bathroom.”

Jaemin waited a few seconds to make sure he wouldn’t fall over before exiting the bathroom as fast as he could. The loud music assaulted him again but this time a punch to his sanity rather than just his ears. The room was spinning, his stomach lurched, his limbs were heavy. He needed out. Jaemin skirted around the crowd the same way he came and fumbled with the front door before forcing himself out of it, his eyes blurring with the threat of tears as he ran down the hallway to his apartment, not stopping for breath until he’d locked himself inside. He hated this feeling, and hated the memories it brought back to him of the mistakes he’d made in the past, but they were just mistakes, it wasn’t who he was. He was Jaemin Na, golden boy, model student, perfect child, token boyfriend. His life was simple, it made sense, it was unentangled and plain and boring. Drunken boys with piercings and tattoos had no right to question him or his relationship with his faith. He was a child of God, he belonged to God, and he did everything God asked him to do. This terrible feeling in his gut was God reminding him to be good, and all he could do was pray as he fell against his front door, tears streaming down his face in a mental break he couldn’t understand nor did he see coming. He felt ridiculous, but tight spaces and accusations and strangers were too much excitement for one night. It wasn’t Jeno, it was his words. It wasn’t Jeno, it was Jaemin’s shyness. It wasn’t Jeno. It was Jaemin. It wasn’t Jeno. It wasn’t Jeno. It wasn’t Jeno. 


	2. Sip From the Chalice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin comes face to face with his past.

Jaemin’s meltdown had already been pressed down to the deepest recesses of his mind, as he did with most things. It was something he’d definitely deal with later, but he just didn’t have the time. He was far too busy finishing his homework early and cleaning up his apartment and avoiding any slightly broad shouldered men with hair remotely resembling red in preparation for his friends coming over. Another full week of absolutely nothing had passed, and it was Friday yet again. Jaemin sat impatiently on his couch, agonizing for the long awaited text that Mark and Jisung were outside. When his phone finally buzzed he barely glanced at the screen to see Jisung’s name before he was quickly making his way out of the apartment door into the hall and out onto the front steps. Being neighbors with Jeno had yet proved to be an issue, as Jaemin left in the early mornings and never exactly loitered in the halls long enough to see anybody.

Jaemin rushed down the steps, eyes searching the street parking before landing on a black car he recognized well. He ran towards the car and pummeled into the boy getting out of the passengers side, grabbing him in as tight of a hug as he could muster.

“Jaemin! Stop you’re crushing me!” Jisung croaked out as best he could while Jaemin practically squeezed the life out of him.

“I thought you wanted to hangout with us, not kill us.” Another familiar voice made its way around the car and Jaemin released Jisung to wrap Mark in equally as dramatic of a hug. Having his friends around was like a breath of fresh air, especially after the  _ events  _ of the last few weeks. Jaemin needed to regain a sense of self again, and there was nobody better than those two.

Jisung was about a year younger than Jaemin, and went to the community college in their town because he “just didn’t know what to do with his life.” Mark was a year older and had graduated from the same community college with a general associates of the arts, and was taking a year off to also find meaning in the grand scheme of things. They were all kind of a bit stuck, struggling with the demands and expectations of their families that more often than not clashed with the demands and expectations for themselves.

“I’m so glad you guys are here. I have so much to tell you, and I also need to feed you so let’s go inside.” Jaemin grinned at the pair, leading them up the steps to his apartment before opening the building door, freezing when he heard footsteps approaching from down the hall. Jisung bumped into the back of him, causing Jaemin to fumble into the threshold of the apartment building and watch with his heart beating in his ears as he saw a familiar set of black denim clad legs and cherry red hair stepping towards them.  _ Jeno. _

“Uh, Jaemin, we’re in the way.” Mark said from behind him, he and Jisung were still trapped in the entryway as Jaemin was once again frozen in an overwhelming sensation that frustrated him to no end. Jaemin had avoided Jeno for a week, and of course the second his friends arrived he bumped into him.

Jeno continued to step closer to the group, watching in what could only be described as amusement as his eyes grazed over Jaemin’s frame. Jaemin suddenly became very aware of himself again. Plain hair, plain white t-shirt, plain blue jeans. It wasn’t until he was right across from Jaemin that he spoke, a light smirk playing at the corner of his lips. “Yeah, Jaemin, you are a bit in the way.”

“What are you doing, pabo, move!” Jisung finally spoke up, pushing Jaemin slightly to get him out of the way, and Mark tailed close behind.

“Thanks,” Jeno said with a wink to the trio, a sickening habit of his, before continuing on his way out of the building.

Jaemin finally came to and went to the first door in the hall, pushing it open without a word as he took a few quiet breaths, trying to calm the panic Jeno seemed to instill in him. “Jerk,” he mumbled under his breath, slipping his shoes off at the door before turning to face Jisung and Mark with a smile. “Sorry about that, he’s just a really terrible neighbor.” Jaemin chuckled slightly, rubbing at the back of his neck before gesturing towards his kitchen. “I made dinner.”

“Oh hell yes,” Mark exclaimed as he dropped his bag by the door, immediately rushing towards the kitchen where a simple food set up was placed on the dining table. Jisung dropped his bag in the same spot, eyeing Jaemin suspiciously, almost knowingly, as he followed in Mark's direction towards the food.

“Mark, blasphemy in this house?” Jaemin teased, padding over to the dining table before handing his two friends some plates, happy to be able to do things like this for them. Being alone was terrible, and he was sure it was making him insane. He wished they would join him in the city, but they had their own lives to attend to.

Dinner time came and went and soon the sun was setting below the buildings around Jaemin’s apartment. The three of them had talked and laughed and spoke about anything and everything they could together while nestled up on the couch in Jaemin’s living room. He was grateful neither had brought up what had happened in the hall, but obviously that just jinxed it.

“So who was that guy from earlier?” Jisung asked from his end of the couch, looking over at Jaemin with a focus that made him squirm. 

“Just my neighbor. He lives a few doors down with another roommate. I think he goes to the university too.” Jaemin was fiddling with the tassels of one of his throw pillows as he spoke, avoiding eye contact with Jisung as if he’d be able to see into his thoughts.

“You don’t seem to like him much,” Mark added, sipping on the warm cup of tea Jaemin had made him. “What’d he do?”

This was the moment. To tell or not to tell. The thought that plagued his mind since the moment it happened. Jaemin told Jisung and Mark absolutely everything about himself. They grew up together, and took care of each other, and the two of them were there for him during his big scandal in high school. There was nothing he ever did that he kept from them, at least not forever, but there was something too  _ personal  _ about this situation. Something he couldn’t bring himself to speak into existence as if keeping it to himself would erase the fact that it had happened. Deep, deep down Jaemin knew exactly why he reacted to Jeno’s words the way he did. He knew why Jeno made his knees buckle and his throat dry and his hands clammy. He knew it last week and the week before and four years ago when that boy kissed him in the locker room, resulting in said boy being suspended even though Jaemin knew it was partly his fault. He knew and yet he just decided to act as if he didn’t, because it was easier that way, it was simpler that way- safer that way.

“Hello? Earth to Jaemin?” Jaemin snapped out of his reverie to see Jisung waving a hand in his face, to which he responded with an apologetic laugh.

“Sorry,” he said simply, thinking for a moment before shrugging in response to the original question. “He and his roommate have parties. They’re just loud, and as you saw, a bit rude.” That wasn’t true. Renjun wasn’t rude at all, and Jeno had never really been rude either, he was just very… forward.

“That’s the worst. I hate loud roommates.” Mark said between sips of tea, shaking his head as he completely and totally accepted Jaemin’s explanation.

Another couple hours passed and Jisung was sprawled out on the floor while a movie played, which Jaemin and Mark seemed attentive to enough.

“I’m bored,” Jisung finally said as he pulled himself into a sitting position, looking at Jaemin and Mark like an expectant child. “And I wanna go somewhere.”

Jaemin reached onto the coffee table for the remote before pausing their movie. “Go where?” He understood why Jisung would want to go out, since they were alone and in the city and the pair had come up to have fun. “We can go wherever you want.”

“Wherever I want?” Jisung questioned with a lilt to his voice, as if making sure Jaemin wanted to commit to that promise.

“Uh, yes. Wherever you want,” Jaemin replied with a furrowed brow, hesitation spreading across his features with each passing second.

“One of my friends here said their sister was having a party right next to campus. A huge house party, and- and it’ll be safe because we’re together, right?” Jisung looked between Mark and Jaemin, gauging their reactions as the pair turned to stare at each other. “I really want to go,” he added. Their job was to not just be Jisung’s friend, but to protect him. They always allowed him to do his little rebellious things here and there, because they knew they’d be there to help him if anything went wrong. They drove him home when he tried beer for the first time, and helped him throw away the juul he bought but realized he hated. Jisung grew up in the same church with the same kind of parents, but he was always braver than Jaemin, and Jaemin was envious of that. 

After exchanging just about a million words with Mark with a single look, Jaemin turned back to Jisung, seeing his expectant expression. “Fine, we’ll go, but if anything gets weird we’re bailing, okay?”

Jisung shot up onto his feet collapsing onto Jaemin’s lap with an excited hug before jumping off just as quickly, running over to his backpack. “I have to get dressed, and Jaemin,” he paused, eyeing the older boy's outfit before reaching into his backpack and pulling out a few pieces of clothing, tossing them in Jaemin’s direction. “Put these on.”

Jaemin examined the clothes as Jisung disappeared into his bathroom, having to separate the pieces of black clothing before looking over at Mark helplessly. “Why does he want me to wear these?”

“He wants us to look cool. I’ll be wearing something similar, don’t worry.” Mark chuckled and stood from the couch, setting his cup of tea in the sink before grabbing his backpack as well. He pulled out an equally dark outfit, but his t-shirt was split down the middle so half was black and the other half was white. It was cool, Jaemin thought, something Renjun might wear.

The three boys got dressed and Jaemin agonized over his look in the mirror as Jisung clipped chains to his belt loops and slipped earrings into the piercings Jaemin didn’t know he had. The outfit Jisung had picked for Jaemin was torn up black jeans that exposed bits of his legs and a black t-shirt that had a fabric patch of some band he didn’t recognize sewn onto the front. He looked like a completely different person, like some e-boy from that clock app, but in a way he felt like it suited him, like he looked like a Jaemin he wanted to be.

“Okay, let’s go. It’s nearly 11 and that’s like peak party time.” Jisung looked up at his two friends and shoved his phone in his pocket, excitement practically buzzing off of him. 

“How would you know?” Mark questioned with a teasing smile, tucking his shirt in at the front like apparently everyone did. The image brought a memory of the week before to Jaemin’s mind, but he swallowed it like dayquil, and peeled himself away from the mirror.

Jisung gave directions to his friend's house as the trio walked down the street, and he was right when he said it was close to campus. They barely walked for ten minutes before they came upon the sound of music and groups of young adults loitering in the front lawn of a massive modern home. Portland had its fair share of rich people, considering how expensive it was to just exist, but this house was unlike anything Jaemin had ever had the opportunity to enter.

The three boys made their way up the front steps and passed a couple making out in the yard and guys taking shots off the banister. It was chaotic, but thankfully much more spread out than the party in that tiny apartment. Jaemin at least felt like he could breathe. As they reached the open front door they could catch a glimpse of the inside before eventually passing the threshold. They were officially at the party. 

“Okay, ground rules,” Mark turned to Jisung and Jaemin, pointing a finger at them as if to scold them. “No getting drunk. Jisung you may have ONE drink, but I have to give it to you. Jaemin- well, I don’t think I have to worry about you. Also, check your phones every 30-45 minutes just to make sure nobody needs you. If anything does happen we’ll meet back here at the front, okay?” 

“You got it. Can we get the drink now?” Jisung was practically vibrating, but Jaemin was still thinking about what Mark said. He had to admit he wasn’t exactly one to party, or… do anything at all. He really was harmless, completely transparent. No amount of dark clothing could shroud the burning of the golden cross at his neck, like a flare that he followed but could never actually reach. He wouldn’t drink, or do drugs, or hook up, because he couldn’t.  _ Shame it tells you what to do. _

“Jaemin, you coming?” Mark called back as Jisung was dragging him towards the kitchen.

“I’ll catch up!” Jaemin reassured him with a light wave of his hand as he stood and watched them disappear into the kitchen. Once they were out of sight Jaemin looked around the large front entrance and tried to guess which archway to go through first. One led to the kitchen, obviously, another led towards a dining room, and then another led into a large open living room with a view of the pool outside, which Jaemin was immediately intrigued by.

Making his way through the clusters Jaemin tried to avoid bumping into people, once again thankful there was much more room in this house. The living room had a gorgeous grand piano in the corner, and a flat screen big enough to be a small movie theater. The walls were a soft gray that fit nicely with the black marble floors. Whoever lived there was absolutely rolling in it, and Jaemin kinda hoped Jisung would introduce them. A rich friend never hurt anybody.

As Jaemin reached the french doors that led to the pool he slipped through and was met with an equally as exuberant image as the inside. People were splashing around in the water, soft colored neon lights lit up the pool and made everything look like a dream. Jaemin found a pool chair and sat at the edge of it, holding his head in his hands as he rubbed at his scalp. Admittedly he was already kind of tired, as he got up early for 9am classes and service on Sunday. He knew Jisung would have the time of his life though, for reasons he never understood. Jaemin liked to think even if not for being religious he wouldn’t be into that stuff. It was all so… scary. It held too many possibilities and unknowns and chances to get hurt or hurt others.

“Hey.”

“Jesus Christ,” Jaemin exclaimed upon hearing the sudden voice above him, startling him enough to shoot his head up from his hands in search of its owner before wide eyes settled on none other than his inexplicably annoying neighbor.

“Taking the lord's name in vain. How many hail mary’s for that one?” Jeno asked as he sat on the chair across from Jaemin, making himself completely comfortable despite being unwanted.

Jaemin watched on in horror, knowing he had to keep it together because he couldn’t escape as easily as last time. He swallowed his nervousness and decided to play along, trying to find his personality somewhere inside of him as he responded. “That’s not what that means.”

“No? Then what does it mean?” Jeno asked curiously before taking a sip from the bottle he was holding, a beer, Jaemin noticed. Jaemin couldn’t tell if it was actual curiosity or if he was just being rude again.

“It means taking the lord's word and twisting it for your own gain.” Jaemin had to admit educating Jeno on such a thing made him a bit more relaxed, but no matter how hard he tried to slow his heartbeat and dry his hands on his jeans, he was very obviously just as nervous as before. 

“So kind of like when they translated the bible and changed ‘a man shall not lay with a boy’ to ‘a man shall not lay with a man’ just to be homophobic rather than address how God does not condone pedophelia?” Jeno spoke so smoothly Jaemin almost forgot to get defensive, then again he didn’t need to because Jeno was right, but he wanted to. Jeno’s voice was like crackling fires and warm coffee, completely different to that of his girlfriends in not just the sound but the effect it had on him, though he couldn’t reasonably find a purpose for the comparison.

“I guess, yeah,” Jaemin said simply, not knowing what to even continue with. 

“So is he?”

Jaemin’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, really unsure what game Jeno was trying to get at. “Is who what?”

“God, or Jesus, or whatever. Is he homophobic?” Jeno asked the question as if he were asking about the weather and not insulting Jaemin straight to his face. If Jaemin had been drinking something he would’ve spit it out.

“I- I don’t… I don’t know what you want me to say that,” Jaemin finally said, a plea sitting behind his eyes to just leave him alone. He didn’t want to think about these things, especially not now. 

“I don’t think he is. Personally my image of God is that he would be the embodiment of acceptance, right? Jesus died on the cross for our sins because he loved us. God created us and chose us over Satan. They have to love us. If they created us the way we are, they have to, right?” Jeno shrugged, taking another sip of his beer before looking at Jaemin once again, catching his gaze in a stare neither could look away from. The light from the pool reflected in Jeno’s inviting brown eyes, and the soft glisten entranced Jaemin. Jaemin had never seen a man like him in his life. Strong bone structure and smooth skin and eyes that turned into the perfect crescents when he smiled even the slightest. He was mesmerizing, arguably perfect, but Jaemin would never admit as much. 

“Jeno Lee, there you are man I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Both Jeno and Jaemin broke their little staring contest to see the source of the sound. The man looked familiar, honey brown hair framing his face and an Adidas t-shirt worn nicely with a pair of dark wash jeans. The man looked at Jeno, then looked at Jaemin, then stopped. Everything stopped.

Jaemin felt any confidence or calm he’d gained slip away from him as easily as oil slipped over water. His entire world came crashing down on top of him and he thought he might be sick then and there. Jeno watched as Jaemin and his third roommate, Donghyuck, stared at each other for what felt like a multitude of eternities stacked on top of each other. Jaemin didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t breathe. Every fear he'd ever had was staring him directly in the face and he was wearing Nike shoes. 

“Uh… do you two… know each other?” Jeno finally asked, his voice timid in fear of breaking the tension that was being held so tightly.

“Know each other? Oh yeah we definitely know each other. You never forget your first kiss.” Hyuck spilled out with a biting tone while staring directly into Jaemin’s soul, reaching into the recesses of his being and tearing his last grip on reality out of him.

“I have to go.” Jaemin shot up from the chair and hurried back inside, the same overwhelming feeling overtaking him and he was sure that he just might die. Maybe it would be for the best, he thought. Maybe he should find a hole in the forest and crawl inside of it and never escape. Maybe he should drop out of school and join the church full time. Maybe he should run away to Italy and change his name. Anything but be there, in that house and at that party, but he was stuck. He was stuck and his instincts were leading him to the kitchen, the last place he saw his friends. He wasn’t gone long and he hoped that maybe they were still there, but all he was met with was random girls sitting on the marble counters and a table filled edge to edge with clear plastic cups of a red liquid. It definitely wasn’t beer, and Jaemin knew better than to assume it was fruit punch. His mind was racing and there was no air in his lungs and sweat began to gather at his temples. He was panicking and he knew he was, and there were definitely other ways to solve that, but the red called his name and pulled him in and before he could stop himself he was grabbing a cup, putting it to his lips as he tipped his head back, gulping the whole thing down like a man that had been stuck in the desert for days. The liquid burned his throat and threatened to make its way back up but he forced it down, the stinging causing tears to brim in his eyes. Whatever it was that he downed must have been strong, or maybe he was just inexperienced, but the faint fuzziness of his brain wasn’t enough. He wanted more, so he took more. A cup in each hand. One he downed the same as the first, but the second one he took with him as he made his way back into the house. Within minutes of his impulsive decision the room began to tilt, just slightly, and despite his best efforts he still remembered what had happened to him. He didn’t feel any better, just tipsy and still on the verge of another breakdown. He figured if he were going to cry hysterically he might as well do it in private.

With what remained of his mental clarity he stumbled around, opening any door he could, being met with closet after closet before finally opening a bathroom. He pushed inside and shut the door behind him, collapsing against it the same way he did a week before, but no prayers fell from his lips. In fact he couldn’t have felt further from God. He felt abandoned, like he had truly let Him down. Jaemin slumped to the floor and held the cup to his lips again, lifeless tears dragging down his cheeks as he remembered what had happened to him all those years ago.

Hyuck was one of his best friends in middle school. The two did everything together, and Jisung and Mark loved him too, but Jaemin had always just been  _ closer  _ with him. They always had sleepovers and when Jaemin needed to cry Hyuck would hold him and when Jaemin needed to laugh Hyuck would make a fool of himself. It was obviously love from any angle you looked at it, but Jaemin didn’t understand that he was allowed to love a boy like that. In highschool Hyuck had started to realize he was pansexual, and also began to realize that he was in love with Jaemin. One day in sophomore year out of a moment of pure curiosity and the inability to resist, he leaned forward and kissed Jaemin while they thought they were alone in the locker room. Jaemin didn’t react, he didn’t yell, didn’t protest. He just stared like an idiot until he decided to lean forward and kiss him again. Their hands stayed plastered to their sides, and it was probably one of the most innocent and gentle things in the world- until they got caught. It was one of his church friends, and he immediately ran away and told a teacher that Hyuck had assaulted Jaemin, even though the kiss the snitch saw was a kiss that Jaemin initiated. The guilt from not only getting Hyuck suspended, but from the euphoric pleasure he felt at the simple kiss, had plagued him for the rest of his years. Every day he awoke with guilt and confusion, which made him leech off of his faith more. Hoping and literally praying that the more he believed the better he’d feel, but repression was a dangerous drug, and Jaemin had finally hit the point of no return.

Jaemin crawled further into the bathroom, lifting himself up and into the tub where he laid. Everything felt suddenly pointless. He couldn’t be bothered to be overwhelmed, the alcohol coursing in his veins numbing him in a way he hadn’t really expected, but wouldn’t complain about. Jaemin brought the cup to his lips once again and finished it off. Three cups of jungle juice down now settling in his stomach and there was no way to escape that reality anymore. He tossed the cup to the other side of the bathroom and slumped down into the tub, staring at the white ceiling like it might open up and consume him, or maybe God would smite him then and there.

A knock sounded at the door, to which he ignored, causing the person on the other end to let themselves in.

“Jaemin, what are you doing?” It was Jeno. His voice was laced with genuine concern that just made Jaemin more angry as he shut the bathroom door, locking it before kneeling down next to the tub.

“Go away, asshole,” Jaemin slurred, reaching a hand out to shove at Jeno’s chest, but Jeno caught his wrist, holding it up in the air before setting it back into the tub. “Whoopty-doo you have better reflexes than the drunk guy. Do you want a medal?” 

“How many did you drink?” Jeno’s eyes searched the bathroom for any indication of the number, but only saw the one discarded cup he watched Jaemin leave the kitchen with.

“Uhh… three. Thrice. Three cups.” Jaemin hiccuped, a small giggle escaping him after he did. 

“Just in the time from when you ran away to now you drank three of those things? Jesus, Jaemin, not even I would do that.” Jeno ran a hand through his hair, trying to think of something to do with the now drunk church boy. As he contemplated he felt a hand place on top of his, fumbling around in his hair for him. 

“I like your red hair, Jeno. It suits you.” Jeno lifted his eyes up to look at Jaemin, who was staring at him with a fondness he felt somewhere deep inside of him that he didn’t even know existed. This stranger was peculiar, ridiculous, and Jeno knew almost nothing about him, but he felt drawn to him from the second he laid eyes on him outside the library. It wasn’t his fault that the campus gym was right by the church, and that Jaemin happened to go to service right after Jeno was done working out, giving Jeno a chance to observe him. It was the only reason his drunk ass even knew about him being religious, and unfortunately taunted him for it in the bathroom. Now they were back to square one, except the roles were a bit reversed and Jeno was much more capable of handling drunk Jaemin.

“Thank you,” Jeno replied with an amused grin, unable to contain the light laugh that escaped him at Jaemin’s sudden tenderness. He’d never seen him so relaxed before.

“Jisung would think it’s so cool. He likes cool things. He dressed me in this- this stupid outfit just so I wouldn’t embarrass him here.” Jaemin pouted, a small pout that caused an ache in Jeno’s chest. This weird guy was so fucking cute, he thought, when suddenly a realization hit him.

“Wait, you came with friends?” Jaemin nodded at the question, his adoring smile lighting up his features once again as he ran his fingertips against the tattoos on Jeno’s arm. Drunk Jaemin was handsy. “Do you have your phone on you?”

“Yes,” another hiccup, followed by the same little giggle as he pulled his phone out, handing it to Jeno. “Password is 666.” Jeno raised his brows in question, looking at Jaemin as if to say “seriously?” before being hit with an eruption of laughter from the brown haired boy. “I’m kidding, it’s kimchi.”

“Of course it is,” Jeno mumbled as he typed the password in, clicking the little green phone button before typing in Jisung’s name, for which only one result came up. Jeno immediately dialed, holding the phone to his ear as he waited for a response from the other side.

“ _ Jaemin? What’s wrong?”  _ Jisung questioned with little interference around him, he must have stepped outside.

“Uh, not Jaemin. It’s Jeno, his neighbor.” As Jeno spoke Jaemin’s fingertips slipped underneath Jeno’s sleeve, causing him to shiver slightly before reluctantly pulling his arm away. “We’re in a bathroom downstairs and he’s a bit… well, he’s drunk.”

“ _ What! How! We were gone for 20 minutes!”  _

__ “It’s a long story. Can you meet us outside?” Jeno looked over as Jaemin rested his head on the edge of the tub, pouting at him like a child who got his candy taken away. 

“ _ Yes. Heading there now.”  _ With that they hung up and Jeno handed Jaemin his phone back, who whined when Jeno stood from the floor.

“C’mon you big baby. Actions have consequences.” Jeno reached a hand out for Jaemin to take, which he reluctantly did.

“I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you.”

“You don’t even know me,” Jeno replied while pulling Jaemin up from the tub, but due to his intoxicated state he stumbled forward, landing directly against Jeno’s chest. Jeno’s hands naturally found themselves on either side of Jaemin’s body, holding him steady like he’d done for him a week before. Jeno took the close proximity to examine Jaemin’s features, searching the flecks of light in his eyes and noticing a single freckle atop his nose. He didn’t know Jaemin and he knew that it was dangerous to find any meaning in this encounter, but he couldn’t help the way he felt in the moment. Like Jaemin belonged there.

“You’re right, I don’t know you,” Jaemin said softly, his eyes flicking back and forth from Jeno’s eyes to his lips. Drunk Jaemin didn’t feel guilty, he didn’t feel sick, or scared. Drunk Jaemin felt normal, like how he wanted to be every day of his literally God forsaken life but could never find the strength to. “But I want to,” he mumbled quietly as he leaned closer to Jeno, only for Jeno to pull away before Jaemin could do something he might regret later. 

“C’mon, Jaemin, your friend is waiting for you.”

Jeno led a very uneven Jaemin out of the house, the pair laughing together every now and then when Jaemin would lose his footing entirely and Jeno would practically have to carry him with the arm he had around his waist.

“You know I’m starting to think you’re doing this on purpose,” Jeno teased as he and Jaemin finally made it to the front porch, away from the clusters of people and loud music.

“I would never, Jeno Lee.” Jaemin was grinning so widely it was infectious, and every time Jeno glanced over at him he couldn’t help but smile back. If this is what Jaemin was like behind all that self inflicted restraint then Jeno couldn’t wait to pick away at him until he found it while Jaemin was sober.

“Jaemin!” Mark called out as he and Jisung came rushing down the house steps, pulling Jeno’s attention away from where he wanted it to be to watch them rush to the aid of their friend in his arms. “Holy shit you smell like tequila.”

“It was not tequila,” Jaemin said sweetly, looking over at Jeno with puppy dog eyes. “I got drunk off of him.” Jisung and Jaemin looked over at Jeno, shock and amusement and pure and utter confusion plaguing their features. 

“Actually it was three full cups of jungle juice consumed in record time.” Jeno adjusted his grip on Jaemin as he began to slip slightly, somehow holding less and less of his own bodyweight up the longer they stood there. “I know you guys just got here so I can walk him home if you want to stay.”

“Absolutely not! How do we know you’re not gonna, like, assault him or something?” Jisung chimed in, causing Mark to look at him a bit shocked, worried that Jisung was being rude to this complete stranger.

“Valid point.” Jeno reached into his back pocket with his free hand and handed it to Jisung, gesturing for him to take it when he hesitated. “Send my location to you. You can watch my every move and I’ll be sure to have Jaemin call you the second he’s a little more self aware.”

Jisung and Mark shared a glance yet again until Mark shrugged in agreement, causing Jisung to do what he was told.

The pair exchanged numbers and Mark threatened to find Jeno if anything bad happened to him in usual best friend fashion, and with that Jeno began his trek down the Portland streets back towards their apartment.

Jaemin was still fully in the throngs of his drunkenness on the walk home, making it extremely hard to keep his feet moving and his eyes open, so Jeno opted to carry him on his back halfway through.

Once the pair reached the apartment, Jeno leaned down and effortlessly set Jaemin on his feet at the top of their steps, already having his hands on his hips to steady him as he did. Jaemin placed his hands atop Jeno’s shoulders, smiling at him warmly with a small laugh that bubbled in his throat and went straight to Jeno’s heart.

“What’s so funny?” Jeno queried with an amused glint in his eyes. He was feeding off the effortless joy that radiated from Jaemin, which he tried so hard to remind himself was a dangerous thing to do. It was nearly impossible not to fall into Jaemin’s trap of sweet words and precious smiles and loving eyes, but Jeno knew that this was a Jaemin that not even Jaemin knew, and it would take awhile before it became any sort of reality.

“Nothing, I just can’t believe a guy is taking me home. Me! Repressed little Jaemin.” Jaemin patted Jeno’s shoulder with another laugh, a slightly pained expression showing through the bubbliness.

“Okay loverboy, let’s get you inside before you start telling me things you don't want me to know.” Jeno resumed his original position with his arm around Jaemin’s waist as he led him inside, using Jaemin’s keys to unlock his door and push the pair inside before kicking it shut behind him. Jeno walked Jaemin over to the couch before plopping him down onto it, straightening out his back with a slight groan as he stretched his arms over his head. “I definitely don't need to go to the gym in the morning,” he mumbled to mostly himself.

Jeno walked into the kitchen, grabbing a cup from the drying rack before filling it with some cool water from the tap. He brought it back into the living room and handed it to Jaemin as he sat next to him on the couch. “Give me your legs,” Jeno said as he grabbed Jaemin’s knees, placing them over his lap before pulling Jaemin’s shoes off and setting them beside the couch. “Now drink.”

Jaemin obeyed easily, sipping from the cup Jeno had given him while watching him curiously. “You know,” he began between sips, “I want you to know everything.” Jaemin tilted his head slightly, taking one last gulp before setting the cup on the coffee table and pulling his legs off of Jeno.

“What?” Jeno asked curiously, watching as Jaemin switched his position and rested his head in Jeno’s lap instead, a drawn out yawn escaping him the second his head hit the warmth of Jeno’s thighs.

“You said to get inside before I told you something I didn’t want you to know, but there isn’t anything I don’t want you to know. I have no idea who you are but I feel like you would know me.” Jaemin’s words began to trail off, sleep obviously overtaking him as he nestled closer to Jeno.

“You’re drunk,” Jeno replied with a smile that only he could feel, but he was sure Jaemin heard the light heartedness of his tone.

“Yeah, I am, but I’m also Jaemin. More Jaemin than I usually am.” Another yawn slipped past his lips and Jeno felt his breathing get softer, thankful for Jaemin’s chosen position in case the alcohol decided to betray him and make him sick.

“Goodnight, Jaemin.” Jeno said softly, his head dipping back against the couch as he felt sleep creep into his eyes as well.

“Don’t let me forget,” Jaemin mumbled before going limp in his lap, succumbing to tiredness but leaving Jeno to fall into a turbulent sleep as he agonized over what exactly Jaemin meant. 


	3. David and Goliath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Giant is usually inside you all along.

_ A younger Jaemin sat on a bench in the park, where the sun shone on his brown hair and warmed his cheeks. In his hands he held an envelope that had “Hyuck” written on it in neat lettering. The day was perfect, not a cloud in the sky but there was a gentle breeze that cooled his nerves. He was waiting for something, but he wasn’t sure what. No matter, he thought. There was no reason to be worried in such a perfect place. _

_ Jaemin relaxed back into the bench and looked out onto the horizon, which seemed to go on forever in a neverending carpet of green. The world around him had a light glint to it, like a filter he couldn’t change. He let his eyes close, soaking in the warmth and enjoying the peace he so desperately craved. As he let his breathing slow and his mind drift, he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. Jaemin’s eyes blinked open and he saw him. Donghyuck, the sun hitting his tanned skin as if it shone just for him. Hyuck sat beside him on the bench, a hand resting on Jaemin’s thigh as he looked at him with a sad smile. _

_ “You have to forgive, Jaemin.” _

_ “What? Forgive who?” Jaemin looked down at the hand on him, placing his own over it before interlacing their fingers together. _

_ “He’s not disappointed in you. You know he’d never be disappointed in you. It’s you who has to forgive.” Hyuck leaned closer, closing the distance between them and placing a feather-like kiss to Jaemin’s cheek. “I’ve already forgiven you, too.” _

Jaemin shot up, his heart beating out of his chest and ears ringing so loud he felt like a bomb had just gone off. He was gasping for air and completely disoriented, only sure he was home because of the familiar smell around him, which did nothing but aggravated the intense need to be sick.

“Jaemin, hey, hey it’s okay.” Jeno reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder but was quickly pushed away as Jaemin jumped up from the couch, running towards the bathroom and slamming the door shut with him inside. “Oh, Jaemin.” Jeno sighed, standing from the couch before making his way into the kitchen. He searched through a few cabinets and found a bottle of ibuprofen and filled another glass with some cool water. Taking them over the bathroom he leaned his ear against the door,and upon not hearing anything too violent he knocked. Once. Twice. “Jaemin? I’m coming in now.”

“Don’t! It’s… really gross.” Jaemin groaned, the sound of a toilet flushing audible on the other side.

“Well, I’m coming in anyways,” Jeno said while twisting the handle, pushing into the bathroom before shutting the door behind him. The scene inside the bathroom was pretty typical. Jaemin was hunched over on the floor next to the toilet, his head leaned back against the cool tile wall.

“Jeno?” Upon seeing the man Jaemin tried to sit up straighter, putting his hands up to his face in an attempt to hide his disheveled state. He felt absolutely disgusting and was sure he looked just as bad, especially compared to Jeno who looked just as perfect as always. “What are you doing here?”

“You don’t remember? I didn’t think those drinks were that strong.” Jeno kneeled down in front of Jaemin, setting the glass next to him before holding his hand out to the brown haired boy, three ibuprofen sitting in the palm of his hand for him to take. “Are you done throwing up? Because if so you need to take these.”

Jaemin looked at him in horrified embarrassment, caught off guard by his question. “Am I done throwing up? How can you ask that so casually?” Another groan, followed by a whine that threatened to bring tears to his eyes but he held them back. He was tired of crying. He was tired of feeling like shit. He was just tired.

“Hey, calm down. I’ve looked worse.” Jeno gave him a gentle smile before reaching down for his hand, placing the ibuprofen in it. “Take it.”

“I doubt that,” Jaemin mumbled, popping the ibuprofen into his mouth and downing it with the water, which felt particularly soothing to his burning throat.

The pair sat in a comfortable silence while Jaemin slowly finished his water, not wanting to push himself over the edge again. When he was finally done he set the cup down, willing himself to look over at Jeno. He started at his feet and trailed up his legs, his eyes taking in every curve and angle until he was at his chest. Jeno was strong and filled out his clothes perfectly and was perfectly proportionate. Jaemin couldn’t help the way his eyes grazed over Jeno’s exposed collarbone from the low collar of his shirt, and finally when his eyes made their way over the last expanse of skin he looked up to see Jeno staring back at him. The sudden eye contact made Jaemin’s cheeks burn and he immediately wanted to turn away and retreat into himself, but as per usual when the pair looked at each other he couldn’t bring himself to stop. Jeno pulled him in and sat him down and made Jaemin at home in his stare, something nobody had ever done to him before.

“What do you remember?” Jeno finally asked, breaking the silence but not the thick tension that crept under Jaemin’s skin and settled in his bones. Flashes of the night before played in Jaemin’s head, and as he took a genuine moment to think about it he realized he remembered nearly all of it. Even the dream that had shaken him awake.

“All of it. I remember all of it.”

“The bathtub?”

“Yup.”

“The flirting?” Jaemin cringed.

“Unfortunately, yes.”

Jeno paused, obviously calculating his next words in a way that made Jaemin exponentially more on edge. “Hyuck?”

Jaemin wanted to run away again, the same guilt and shame threatening to bubble to the surface as he remembered seeing his old friend. Then he remembered his dream, and a new sense of confidence came over him. Of all the things he was tired of, he was tired of running from himself. “Yes,” he said simply. “I’ll tell you what happened if you want.”

“I know what happened. Hyuck has told me the story before but I didn’t know it was you who did it.” Jeno got up onto his knees, crawling over to Jaemin and sitting next to him against the wall, all the while Jaemin watched him curiously, but remained silent for fear of not having anything helpful to say. Thankfully, Jeno continued. “He doesn’t blame you. He’s really happy with who he is and he’s always said a part of him is grateful he got suspended because that caused his parents to move to Portland. When you ran away last night he asked me to follow you and make sure you were okay. He still cares for you.”

“Well thankfully you did or else I’d probably still be in that bathroom,” Jaemin said with a light chuckle, turning his head to look at Jeno once again, who was painfully more close than before.

Jeno’s eyes stirred with something hopeful and adoring and confused. He stared at Jaemin like he was something so important and so worthy of being discovered, before finally he asked “What do you want to do?”

“What do you mean?” Jaemin’s brow furrowed slightly, his mind going to the fact that he was hungover and needed to shower and obviously didn't want to do anything, but then he realized that’s not what Jeno was asking.

“What do you want  _ us  _ to do?” Jeno turned to face Jaemin better, his hands settling in his lap as he crossed his feet beneath him. “Before you fell asleep last night you told me not to let you forget, what did you mean by that?” Jaemin dropped his head at the question, ruffling his hands in his hair before looking up at Jeno helplessly. He knew what he meant because he remembered exactly what he was thinking at that moment. He didn’t want to forget how perfect he felt in Jeno’s lap and how badly he wanted to kiss him in the bathroom and how he tripped over his own feet so Jeno would carry him. He remembered feeling brave and natural and _ normal. _ He remembered feeling like Jaemin. The real Jaemin that he’d only ever been when he was with Hyuck in that locker room. The same Jaemin he’d ran away from over and over and over again. He wasn’t sure how two mental breaks and a brutal hangover were what it took for him to finally come to terms with it, but he couldn’t argue with the process. He needed to forgive himself for being who he was. For dating a girl when he couldn’t love her. For losing his best friend and pushing away any chance of finding him again. For being the Jaemin he was the night before. For being gay.

“Jeno, I-” Jaemin choked out a laugh, the ridiculousness of it all hitting him like a freight train as he realized what he needed to do. “I have to break up with my girlfriend.”

“Your… what?” Jeno tilted his head, an amused confusion adorning his features as he watched Jaemin laugh once again, like a man gone mad.

“My girlfriend. I need to break up with her, and I need to shower, and I need to call Mark.” Jaemin reached a hand out, resting it on Jeno’s shoulder before giving it a light squeeze. “Thank you for helping me last night. There are a lot of things I need to get done but I’ll call you, okay?”

“Take your time.”

The weekend with his two best friends came to an end, and Jaemin explained  _ most  _ of the situation to them before bidding them goodbye. He would tell them everything eventually, but he was patiently awaiting family dinner at home before giving them too many details.

Jaemin sat outside his childhood home, full of his mom’s bibimbap and hot tea, content beyond belief as he felt the familiar buzz of his phone. A text from Jeno, one of his new favorite things to receive. Jaemin had told him about the feast his mother had made and how he could make the same for Jeno, to which he responded “time and place?” Jaemin was grinning like an idiot at his phone as he heard an excited squeal that might as well have burst his eardrums. 

“Jaemin!” Isabelle exclaimed as she bound onto the porch, catching Jaemin in a hug the second he stood from his chair. “I missed you so so so so so much!” 

“Uh, yeah,” Jaemin chuckled nervously, peeling her off of him only to be met with a pout that didn’t suit any grown adult. “We need to talk.”

“What?” Isabelle pulled her arms to her side, hiking her purse up onto her shoulder and Jaemin took a moment to really look at her. Long blonde hair that went past her chest and a pink blouse tucked into some bootcut jeans. She was just as plain as he was, and the new Jaemin definitely saw why the old one had accepted her into his life. She embodied everything he wasn’t, and was a perfect cover- or beard, if you will.

“Well, maybe we should sit do-”

“You’re breaking up with me,” she blurted out, anger and hurt immediately spreading across her features before Jaemin even had the chance to take a breath. Jaemin couldn’t be upset with her for being upset, because technically he did use her, but also technically he didn’t know that’s what he was doing. “Jaemin, are you breaking up with me!”

“Yes,” he said easily, the word feeling like he was cutting a rope that had been tied around his neck his whole life. “I am.”

“Why? I was perfect for you! I am perfect for you. Did you find someone else already? After everything I did for you too.”

“Look, Is, I’m so-”

“You’re sorry? I accepted you after what you did. I made sure nobody ever spoke about it again to protect you. I loved you despite your sins, Jaemin.” Her eyes were brimming with tears, her cheeks burning red so easily Jaemin almost wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t ignore the words that fell so easily from her the second she felt even a little bit betrayed. She didn’t care about him, he was her Jesus project.

“Despite my sins? What sins, exactly?” Jaemin’s brow rose in a challenging question, wanting to hear the words come from her. “What transgression against God did I commit, Isabelle? Tell me.”

“I got that stupid boy suspended for you! He was poisoning you but I got him sent away so you could find Jesus again. Everything I’ve ever done has been to lead you to Him, Jaemin. You can’t break up with me.” Isabelle folded her arms across her chest, a jealous fire burning in her eyes that only amplified the absolute nonsense she was speaking. Jaemin couldn’t believe that she had admitted it to him, but damn he was glad she had. He was going to try and spare her feelings, but now he just wanted her to feel his hurt. The hurt she caused.

“So you’re the one who told the principal he assaulted me,” Jaemin scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re disgusting, Isabelle. I was a kid. I was a kid and I-” he paused, suddenly unsure if he was ready to admit to someone other than himself how he felt, but he was angry and she needed to hear it. The world needed to hear it. God needed to hear it. “I loved him, Isabelle. I loved him more than I have ever loved you. God doesn’t give a  _ fuck  _ who I kiss. Lying, and manipulating, and harming others are all sins, but love? Love isn’t a sin. If you had any of God’s grace in you you’d know that.” 

“Don’t you dare question my faith! And, so what? You’re just going to be- be gay now?” The word was spoken with such disgust it almost hurt Jaemin, but in the end it did nothing but serve to fuel him more.

“I’ve always been gay, Isabelle!” He shouted, the words leaving his lips like a bird being released from it’s cage. Finally, he was free. “From the day I was born to now I have been gay. And thank  _ fucking God  _ for that,” Jaemin spat out, towering over her in such a way that made her cower until finally she shoved him back.

“You’re going to hell, Jaemin.” Isabelle muttered as she jumped off the steps, running back into her car with tears streaming down her face. Jaemin watched her drive away, a new sense of self filling his chest and for once in his life he felt like he belonged in his own skin. Nothing could ruin that for him, not even the dreadful sound of a familiar throat clearing behind him.

Jaemin turned around quickly to see his parents standing in the doorway, an unreadable expression adorning his father's features while his mother just looked… torn. He stared at them blankly, unsure exactly how much they heard but confident it was enough to have him disowned in some capacity. His parents weren’t outwardly homophobic at all, but it was always an unspoken rule that Jaemin should definitely not get caught kissing boys again while under their roof. Thankfully for him, he wasn’t.

“Are you going to say anything?” He asked, stunned at himself for being able to do so. New Jaemin was just full of surprises.

Jaemin’s father’s jaw clenched, the only indication of any sort of reaction from him. He was a man of many words when it came to the Bible, but in situations where the book of Matthew didn’t have the answers he was kind of a shit dad. Jaemin truly didn’t know what to expect when his father finally replied, “I think you should leave.”

So he did.

When Jaemin arrived back on campus he waited exactly two days before leaving his apartment. On Friday he stayed holed up in his living room, texting Jeno like he normally did and choosing to avoid any mentions of his parents. Saturday night he avoided a call from Mark and knew it would get him his ass beat but decided to risk it as he still wasn’t quite ready to tell him or Jisung the full story. Jaemin had an order he wanted to do things, and felt he was allowed that as these things were extremely personal. Step one was breaking up with his girlfriend, which obviously he had done successfully. Step five came a little earlier than expected when his parents overheard step two, but Jaemin wasn’t really concerned about that. Sunday morning provided the perfect time to enact step three: apologize to Hyuck.

At the time Jaemin knew Jeno would be at the gym he took the quick trek through his building’s hallway to his and Hyuck’s apartment. For the first Sunday in 20 years Jaemin put on a t-shirt he’d stolen from Jisung and slipped on a pair of jeans with rips all up the front and stuck his feet in a pair of boots he bought downtown and didn’t go anywhere near a church. Being himself was entirely new territory, but it was a job that needed to be done.

As he approached the familiar door he reached his hand out to knock, waiting a few moments before being greeted by none other than Renjun.

“Hi, uh,”

“Jeno’s at the gym, but he should be back soon,” Renjun said with a knowing smile, tilting his head slightly as he did.

“I know. I’m here to see Donghyuck,” Jaemin replied simply, watching as Renjun’s playful expression turned a bit confused before stepping aside to let Jaemin in.

“He’s probably still asleep but go ahead and make yourself at home, I’ll tell him you’re here.” Renjun disappeared into the hall and Jaemin stepped over to the couch, sitting down on the edge of it while he waited for Renjun’s return. As he sat he looked around at the room, taking in the decor and the furniture. He hadn’t been back inside since the first party, as Jeno usually opted to hang out at his after class, but seeing it like that was much easier for him to stomach.

After a few moments Jaemin heard footsteps approaching from the hall behind him, causing him to turn and see Hyuck making his way towards the couch. He was in a wrinkled band t-shirt and gray plaid pajama pants that matched perfectly with the disheveled state of his hair which Jaemin noticed had green tips now. Hyuck made his way around the couch and sat down on the chair across from Jaemin, looking up at him with not much of any expression at all.

“Hi,” Jaemin finally said, shifting awkwardly as he stared at the grown version of the friend he once knew.

“Hello,” Hyuck replied, a light laugh escaping him as he did.

“I, uh, I came to say something.” Jaemin rubbed his hands on his jeans as they immediately started to get clammy with nerves, a quirk of his he especially hated. “And I know it might not mean much but I have to say it.”

Hyuck looked at him curiously, a hand running through his hair to smooth it as he did. “I’m listening.” Jaemin took a breath.

“I’m really sorry about what happened all those years ago. I know it’s in the past and you’ve probably moved on from it and definitely don't need me reminding you of it but I haven’t spent a day in my life since then where I didn’t think about it. What happened to you because of what I did was unfair, it was cruel, and I should’ve stood up for you more. I let you down, and that killed me because I loved you. I loved you, Hyuck. You were probably the first person I ever loved and I lost you because of my own stupid shame.” Jaemin looked up to meet Donghyuck’s eyes, trying to gage them for any sort of reaction but he remained neutral the whole time, something Jaemin wished he could do. “It took me almost five years to realize it but I do now and I needed you to know that I am genuinely sorry. I’m- I’m just sorry.”

Hyuck watched him for a moment, a slight stir visible behind his eyes before he stood from his chair and went to sit next to Jaemin on the couch. Once he did he reached a hand out and placed it on Jaemin’s thigh, giving him an immediate sense of deja-vu as he remembered his dream. Jaemin looked up from the hand on his lap to see Hyuck looking at him with so much softness he thought he might cry. The pair stayed silent for a moment like that, exchanging back and forth apologies without saying anything at all until Hyuck finally broke the quiet. “I forgive you, you know. I had forgiven you a long time ago, but thank you for this.” Jaemin felt the tears finally sting his eyes and before he could stop himself he leaned forward and pulled Hyuck into a hug, holding him tightly as if he was the most precious thing in the world. In a way, he was. If it wasn’t for Donghyuck, Jaemin would have never had something to remind himself of who he was. That kiss in the locker room plagued his every waking moment because it was the one thing that stood in the way of him hiding himself entirely. It was a constant, nagging reminder of who he really was and in that moment he was more thankful for Hyuck than he thought he ever could have been.

As the pair hugged, Jaemin heard the click of the front door unlocking, signaling that Jeno had come home. Hyuck and Jaemin pulled apart to watch him come in but he didn’t seem to notice Jaemin as he kicked his shoes off at the front door, probably assuming it was Hyuck and Renjun on the couch.

“He didn’t go to church, and I knocked on his door but he-” He paused, frozen in his tracks as he saw a teary eyed Hyuck and Jaemin wiping their tears on the couch. “Oh.” The three stared at each other for a few quiet moments, nobody knowing exactly what to do until Hyuck took matters into his own hands.

“I think I’ll leave you guys to it. Let’s catch up soon, Jaemin,” Hyuck said as he stood from the couch, giving Jaemin a gentle squeeze on his shoulder before making his way back down the hall. Once Jaemin and Jeno heard the click of his bedroom door they turned their attention towards each other once again.

“That probably sounded… I swear I’m not stalking you.” Jeno dropped his gym bag by the door and Jaemin thought he might die from the sight of him. He was wearing black joggers and muscle tee that exposed his arms. The tattoos that were usually hidden beneath a t-shirt now on full display and Jaemin felt his throat begin to dry.

“It- It’s okay,” Jaemin choked out with a slight laugh, trying but failing to hide how Jeno affected him. He was hot, so fucking hot, and the glisten of his freshly washed hair and scent of evergreen pouring off of him made him want to scream. “You watch me go to church?”

Jeno carefully stepped further into the room, a nervous smile adorning his features as he shrugged slightly, sitting on the couch next to Jaemin. “Is it worse if I lie and say no, or be honest and say yes?” Jeno’s question pulled a laugh from Jaemin, causing him to smile with the way his heart ached when he looked at him. “I swear it’s not in a creepy way. I just noticed you after we bumped into each other at the library. You would be walking in right as I was leaving.”

Jaemin considered this, his nose scrunching slightly as he did. Jeno thought he might squeeze him to death then and there from how cute he was, but decided against it in the end as Jaemin continued processing his thoughts. As he came to some sort of a conclusion he looked over at Jeno, smiling warmly at him. “You noticed me?” Was all he could muster. Jaemin was sure he was the most unnoticeable thing on earth. That he blended in completely with the world around him and went completely under the radar. Being in the new outfit he wore was the most visible he’d ever felt, and to know Jeno saw him before he looked any differently made him feel… something.

“What do you mean? Of course I did.” Jeno tilted his head slightly in confusion, because to him, Jaemin was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. The moment they’d made eye contact when he handed his fallen book back to him he was smitten. Jaemin had the prettiest eyes and the brightest smile and the smoothest voice. His hair always caught the light in such a way that made him glow, and when Jeno saw him entering that church in black dress pants and a baby blue blazer he was sure he was watching an angel enter its rightful home. He couldn’t believe Jaemin didn’t realize he was so incredibly worthy of being stared at, especially when that’s all Jeno seemed to be able to do. “Jaemin, I think you’re perfect.”

Jaemin blushed at this, turning his gaze down and away from Jeno, unable to look at him as he became mush almost immediately. The pair had definitely gotten much closer in the past week or so, and the flirting had definitely been evident, but Jaemin couldn’t let himself get carried away before enacting step four. “Jeno,” he finally said, forcing himself to look back at the man who consumed his every waking moment, despite the crimson blush on his cheeks. “Can I take you somewhere?”

“Take me somewhere?” 

“Out. Can I take you out? Like… on a date?” Jeno’s face lit up at his question, and  _ jesus  _ he looked so stunning that Jaemin almost wanted to cry. 

“I’d love to, Jaem.”

The pair took the quick walk to Powell’s bookstore, talking nonstop the entire way there. Jaemin knew the location of their date was a bit stereotypical, but it was a place they both seemed to have a fondness for. As they entered the building the familiar smell of coffee and light bustle of shoppers hit their ears and Jaemin began to feel the nerves set in. He somehow managed to ask Jeno out and walk him all the way there without thinking much of it, but the second they passed the threshold into the official place of their date he wasn’t sure he knew what he was doing.

“Where do you want to look first?” Jeno asked with a smile, his eyes curving into perfect crescents and it took everything in Jaemin not to kiss him then and there- but Jaemin had to follow step four. He had to tell Jeno how he felt.

“I do have one section I like to disappear in,” Jaemin said as he reached down and took Jeno’s hand in his, hoping to God it wasn’t clammy. When Jeno didn’t react to it Jaemin figured he was in the clear, but little did he know that that simple touch was burning Jeno’s skin and trailing up his arm until it settled right in his chest.

Jaemin led Jeno to the stairs and weaved their way through the maze of the building until they reached the third floor, the Pearl Room, which was particularly empty due to it being a Sunday. The pearl room had books on art and architecture and photography, which intrigued Jaemin’s love for taking pictures in his free time. When the pair entered the room, Jaemin led Jeno to a specific shelf of books that had rows upon rows of books on statues.

“So Jaemin Na secretly wants to be a sculptor?” Jeno asked with a light chuckle, his fingertips reaching out to brush along the spines of the book as he read off the titles. “The Statues of the Met. Bodies Without Heads. The Story of David.” At the last mentioned title Jaemin reached his hand out to rest on Jeno’s signaling for him to stop, but lingering longer than he had intended- or maybe that’s exactly what he intended. When Jeno finally slipped his hand away Jaemin pulled the book out and flipped open to a random page which had a large picture of the Statue of David’s profile. He was a beautiful piece, and famous for a reason, but the story behind David always intrigued Jaemin while reading the Book of Samuel.

“David and Goliath was one of my favorite stories as a kid,” Jaemin said with a smile, his fingertips running over the page as he felt Jeno lean in closer to look with him. “Obviously now that I’m older I realize it’s a bit fantasized when told to children but I still think an important message can be found.”

“What did you like about it?” Jaemin looked up at Jeno again to see him smiling contentedly at him, genuine interest glowing in the back of his eyes.

“Well, I liked that David was small, and helpless, and not strong enough to fight the giant on his own. He shouldn’t have been able to do it, but with a little bit of help from a stupid slingshot he was able to take him down. Obviously I see it more metaphorically, but, especially after this weekend I think I know what it means.” Jaemin glanced down at the picture again, noticing how Jeno would fight right in next to David. They were both sculpted for the God’s. “I didn’t think I would have the strength to ever admit to people who I was. I was too small inside of myself, too helpless. It wasn’t until someone came along and helped me realize that I was strong in my own ways, and that I wanted to be strong. I didn’t want to lose to the giant that controlled me. I wanted to live.” Jaemin looked up from the book, and almost gasped at how close Jeno was to him. Any distance they once had disappeared and Jaemin couldn’t think, the same nerves he felt countless times swelling in his chest but this time they were of a different kind. As Jeno reached out to grab the book in Jaemin’s hand and set it back on the shelf he took one final step closer to Jaemin, his breathing soft and presence warm and eyes so intense it was like the room around them had melted away into nothingness.

“Can I kiss you?” Jeno asked softly, his hand reaching up to gently cup Jaemin’s cheek as he did. Their noses were lightly brushing against each other when Jaemin nodded, his breath hitching in his chest as Jeno finally,  _ finally,  _ broke the last bit of distance and pressed their lips together.

If not for the hand Jeno slipped onto his waist Jaemin was sure he might have fallen over, the feeling of having everything he’d ever wanted and more pressed against his body was more overwhelming than any pain he had ever felt. Their lips moved together slowly, curiously, as if tasting fresh fruit for the first time. Jeno was morning sunshine and ice cold water and a stick of mint gum. He was the smell of fresh baked bread and the feeling of a blanket straight out of the dryer and the creaking spine of a new book. He was everything exciting and lovely and wonderful in the world, and for the first time in Jaemin’s life he got to feel those wonderful things. What felt like ages passed and yet it wasn’t at all long enough before Jeno was slowly pulling back, leaving Jaemin’s lips exposed to the air and aching to be consumed again. Jaemin stumbled slightly in Jeno’s hold, but as he always did from the moment they met, he caught him. 

The pair laughed together, the most gentle laughs that were laced with the euphoria of finally being able to breathe. Jeno’s thumb brushed Jaemin’s cheek lightly, and they stared at each other with so much fondness it was as if the entire world and the heavens above sat right between them in each other's gaze. In a way, it really did.

“Show me something here you like,” Jaemin said softly, leaning forward to place another quick peck to Jeno’s lips before pulling back with a grin.

“Gladly. As long as we can kiss there too.”


	4. Hellfire on Your Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin discovers the magic that is exploring Jeno Lee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This update took me much longer than expected but I hope you enjoy!

The rest of their date went almost entirely as one expected. They mindlessly looked at books they weren’t really interested in and kissed in the Graphic Novel section and beneath the staircase when Jeno stopped for a drink from the fountain. When their lips weren’t attached their hands were stuck together like a fly in a sticky trap. Jaemin thought he’d be more shy about it, but the bookstore was practically dead and he felt more comfortable with Jeno than he’d ever felt in his life. It was all very sickly sweet, entirely innocent and somehow Jaemin held it together while Jeno just walked around in his after-gym clothes, strong arms flexing when he’d reach for a book, making Jaemin’s mouth go dry.

“Are you hungry?” Jeno asked while flipping through a baby book about different textures of animals, Jaemin honestly wasn’t sure how they even got there.

“Uh-” Jaemin tore his eyes away from Jeno’s arm as he held the little book in his hands, forcing his gaze up to look at him. “What?” He embarrassingly hadn’t heard him, and Jeno didn’t bother to look up before responding.

“I just thought with the way you were staring at me like I was something to eat you might be hungry.” He grinned to himself, Jaemin’s ears immediately burning hot as Jeno shut the book, placing it back on the shelf.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” Jaemin shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, all the nervousness he’d been able to push aside suddenly coming on all at once. He really didn’t mean to objectify Jeno, which he really wasn’t, but to him it felt disrespectful. He’d never looked at another person the way he looked at Jeno, and in his defense he’d never seen another person who looked anything like Jeno. He was godly, which Jaemin almost felt guilty for admitting, because nothing could ever be close to God. Nothing was ever meant to be compared to God, because he was everything, he was everyone, but in the moments where Jeno took over his mind that was the only logical comparison he could think of. Jeno was ethereal, not from this earth, worthy of being worshipped at every altar he’d ever kneeled at- and Jaemin wanted to do just that.

“Where does your mind go?” Jeno suddenly interrupted his internal struggle, causing his eyes to come back into focus to see Jeno raise a hand up and gently brush Jaemin’s hair from his brow. “You always get so lost in that pretty head of yours.”

Jaemin wanted to slap him for turning him to goo over literally nothing, but he just choked out a pained, “I don’t know,” instead. Kissing him was easy, somehow, but intimacy was harder. 

“Well, I’d like to know, if you’ll tell me.” Jeno’s hand easily found its way to his cheek the same way it did when they kissed for the first time only hours ago, which felt like wonderful and blissful eternities to Jaemin.

The thought of telling Jeno where his mind wandered made his cheeks blush, because if he was honest it was horribly embarrassing. Jaemin thankfully knew what sex was, he wasn’t that sheltered, and he knew for the most part the technicalities of it all, but the way Jeno so easily slipped into his brain and made him think of the _possibilities_ could probably make the angels weep. He didn’t think he’d go to hell if he kept it to himself but speaking any of it into existence was immediate damnation for sure. “It’s…” he trailed off, genuinely considering his options for a moment. “Maybe after date number three, or thirty-three.” 

Jeno chuckled at this with an understanding nod, not even bothering to press further. “That’s okay with me. They’re your thoughts, afterall. I’m simply a guest in there.”

“Well that’s not true,” Jaemin said without thinking, really only referring to his constant inner monologue that was _Jeno, Jeno, Jeno._ He was definitely much more than a guest in his thoughts, in fact at times it felt as if he owned them and Jaemin was the one paying the rent just to get a single moment to focus on homework. “I just mean,” another pause, “shit I don’t know what I mean.” Jaemin tried to peel back from Jeno’s hold, his sudden inability to form coherent sentences making him feel awkward and non-romantic, but Jeno was having none of it.

“Jaemin, it’s okay. You don’t owe me anything,” Jeno said while his free hand found its place at the small of Jaemin’s back, holding him close so escaping wasn’t an option. The thumb at Jaemin’s cheek brushed lightly against the reddened skin, which Jaemin naturally melted into and for a moment he felt a bit better. “You’re right, this is our first date, and maybe I kissed you too soon and-”

“You didn’t,” Jaemin interrupted quickly before falling silent once again, looking at Jeno to continue.

“And I know this is probably a lot all at once for you, so it’s okay. You can say things you’re not sure about and mess up and get embarrassed, because I like you all the same. Please just do things at your own pace.” Jeno was smiling at him, the perfect smile that turned his eyes into moons and without thinking Jaemin leaned in to pull Jeno into a hug, another moment almost too affectionate to stomach but he did nonetheless. He didn’t think he’d been afforded so much patience in his whole life, and though they knew each other much better and did the general, only mildly trauma filled rundowns of their lives, they still had a lot of learning about each other to do. Despite there only being a month sitting between them and being total strangers, Jeno treated Jaemin as if he had known him his whole life.

Jaemin enjoyed the hug for a moment more, inhaling his warm scent before mumbling a soft, “I actually am hungry,” into the fabric of Jeno’s shirt. “I can cook, if you want.” Jeno pulled back at that, looking at him with a sparkle in his eyes that Jaemin immediately took as a yes.

“I’d really, _really_ like that.” Jeno didn’t mean to respond like food was the most erotic thing he could’ve ever imagined being given, but Jaemin decided to push that thought far in the back of his head (surely to be revisited later).

The walk back to their apartment was as quick as the walk to the bookstore, but this time they were prodding and pushing and playing with each other like kids on a playground. It was silly, and maybe looked a little weird to have grown men pulling and grabbing at each other down the street, but they couldn’t bring themselves to care.

As they approached the apartment Jaemin sprinted ahead up the steps, pushing open the building's door before fumbling with his keys to unlock his apartment door that was immediately on the right. He was trying to get in so he could pretend to lock Jeno out, a continuation of their games from before, but as he struggled to stick his key into the lock he felt all of Jeno’s weight press up behind him, sandwiching him against the door.

_Jesus Christ._

Jaemin knew he probably just got a little too close from the inertia from running, and probably, definitely didn’t mean to press so tightly up against him that Jaemin could feel his hip bone in his lower back. Nevertheless, he froze, feeling Jeno’s warm breath against his ear. He wanted to stay like that forever, but immediately hated that he wanted that so he pushed into his apartment, stumbling inside with Jeno following suit.

“Sorry,” Jeno said with a laugh. “I didn’t mean to cage you in, I just kinda slid when I was trying to catch up to you.” So it was an accident.

“It’s okay,” Jaemin almost squeaked out before clearing his throat, straightening his shoulders slightly before turning to walk into the kitchen. “You can sit, if you want. I’ll start cooking.”

“But-” Jeno started, immediately following behind Jaemin like an eager puppy. “I want to help,” was all he said as Jaemin went to the sink and washed his hands and forearms thoroughly. Jaemin looked over with a slight smile playing at the corner of his lips, amused at how easily Jeno’s affect on him changed from a coiling in his stomach to a fluttering in his heart.

“Okay, wash your hands then,” Jaemin said simply, the smile never leaving his lips as he reached for a cutting board and placed it on the counter. “You can cut some things for me while I cook the chicken.”

“Trusting me with sharp objects?” Jeno teased as he washed his hands, mimicking Jaemin’s method before turning the sink off and drying his hands.

“It was either knives or fire and I am admittedly more okay with a few cuts than my apartment burning down.” Jaemin set an onion, a head of garlic, and some fresh asparagus onto the board, leaning against the counter slightly as he watched Jeno reach down and pick the garlic up.

“What do I do with this?” Jeno looked positively defeated before he even started, the glasses he’d slipped on accentuating his puppy-like features and Jaemin wanted to lean forward and kiss him again, but genuinely was very hungry.

“Peel it, take the little bulbs out and chop them up reaaally tiny. Then peel the onion and chop it up slightly less tiny. Then cut the asparagus into about one inch pieces.” Jeno nodded in understanding, and Jaemin wasn’t sure if he actually understood or if he was just doing that for Jaemin’s sake. Regardless he’d be there to help. 

“What kind of knife do I use?” Jeno asked while setting the garlic head back down on the board, looking at Jaemin with slightly raised brows. 

“Well you should never use a serrated knife for cutting these things so,” Jaemin paused, reaching into the wood knife block by his stove before setting a large knife on the cutting board. “There you go. Let me know if you need help,” he said with a grin, stepping around Jeno before pulling the chicken breast from his fridge and setting it by the stove. Then he reached into the cabinets above and pulled out a box of angel hair pasta, setting that next to the chicken. “Oh, I almost forgot!” He exclaimed before opening the fridge again and pulled out two tomatoes, putting them next to Jeno’s cutting board as he was peeling the onion over the garbage.

“A tomato? How do I cut that?” Jeno walked back over to the cutting board with a freshly peeled head of garlic and onion, setting them down next to the tomato.

“The easiest way is to slice it and then cut the slices up into tiny pieces. I believe in you, just be careful.” Jaemin chuckled to himself at Jeno’s obvious nervousness. He liked being able to teach him about these things, because in a way it made him feel less small, less inexperienced. Jeno was more capable at everything than he was, he thought, but a fool in the kitchen, and that was good enough for him.

The pair continued their singular activities in a comfortable silence, both quite focused and at peace just being near each other. Every now and then Jeno would suck in a breath as the garlic would slip from his hold, but he remained unscathed. That was until he glanced over to watch Jaemin stir the noodles he’d been boiling, and _man_ he looked so beautiful doing it. It was stupid to suddenly get so distracted by a man stirring a pot of water but his hands kept working when his brain was not and the tomato slipped from his finger tips, causing the knife to dig right into his knuckle.

“Ah- shit,” he mumbled, dropping the knife and pulling his finger up to inspect, watching a few droplets of blood immediately drip down his hand.

Jaemin looked over, his eyes going wide as he reached up and shut the stove off before going over to grab Jeno’s hand in his own, leading him over to the sink. “Are you okay?” He asked with a slightly panicked concern lacing his voice, holding Jeno’s finger under some running water. “I told you to be careful,” he grumbled without much thought, pulling the finger out of the water to see how bad the damage was, but it was bleeding too much to get a good look.

“I’m fine, it’s just a little cut.” Jeno was laughing slightly, finding his own clumsiness to be rather predictable. “It didn’t even hurt that bad.”

“I just sharpened the knives, the cut could be a lot deeper than you think.” Jaemin’s features were scrunched in concentration as he ripped off a piece of paper towel and wrapped it around Jeno’s finger, pulling him away from the kitchen towards the bathroom without a word. 

“Jaemin- really I’m okay,” Jeno commented as he trailed behind, but not making any effort to stop him as he knew it was probably a fruitless battle.

Jaemin led Jeno into the bathroom and lightly guided him to sit on the toilet as a makeshift chair, having him hold the paper towel tightly as he rummaged through his medicine cabinet before pulling out a small first aid kit. Jeno watched on fondly as Jaemin pulled out antiseptic and a couple bandage options, placing them on the counter to choose from once he saw how bad the cut was. “Okay, let me see,” he said gently, crouching down in front of Jeno before taking his hand in his own. 

“I think I will live,” Jeno said amusedly, but still letting Jaemin dote as he pleased. 

“I’ve taken Jisung to many emergency rooms for little cuts. If they can’t close on their own they get infected and then you lose the finger, do you want that?” The question was mostly a joke, a slight smile tugging at the corner of Jaemin’s lips as he pulled the paper towel back, the cut still pooling with blood but not dripping as it had been.

“So doc, what’s the verdict?” Jeno asked as he watched Jaemin inspect his finger, that same focus sitting in the crinkle of his brow. God he was adorable.

“You will indeed live. Thankfully you didn’t cut too deep.” Jaemin grabbed the little bottle of antiseptic and poured a few drops onto Jeno’s finger, the drops trailing down his own wrist as he did. Jeno saw the liquid going straight towards the crook of Jaemin’s elbow and reached his free hand out to stop the runaway droplets, wiping up his arm gently. The touch was mindless, completely harmless, but it made Jaemin’s cheeks burn red like they had at the bookstore. He tried to ignore that, though, keeping his eyes down as he reached for the bandaid, wrapping it around Jeno’s fingers with a click of his tongue.

“Thanks,” Jeno said with a smile, reaching his newly bandaged hand up to tap the underside of Jaemin’s chin lightly, wanting him to look up at him, but Jaemin ignored it. Instead he stood from his crouched position and clumsily picked up the different things he’d gotten out, shoving them back in the cabinet with a slight clatter. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” he replied a bit too eagerly, taking a quick breath before shutting the cabinet door and looking at Jeno with a slightly forced relaxed smile. “Wanna get back to cooking or are you going to injure yourself again?”

“Well I don't know, can you not be so distracting?” Jeno tilted his head slightly as he looked up at Jaemin, trying to conceal the slight smirk threatening to bloom on his features. 

“What?” Was all Jaemin had to say in return.

“I cut my finger because you were distracting me.” Jeno reached his hand out again, this time gripping onto Jaemin’s waist to pull him closer, and closer, and closer. Despite Jaemin’s attempts to stand up right eventually he got pulled close enough that the only way to go was in Jeno’s lap.

It was horribly embarrassing, and a sound of protest got caught in Jaemin’s throat as he steadied himself against Jeno’s shoulders. “What are you doing?” Jaemin asked as heat spread from his cheeks to his ears and down his neck in that uncomfortable, splotchy way. His emotions and reactions were confusing, especially to him. One second he was as confident as ever and kissing Jeno like he was made for it, the next he’s ready to topple over and die at the thought of being perceived by the other boy. He wasn’t sure why he was acting that way, but he bet it had something to do with the trauma, and the fear.

“I’m holding you. Is that okay?” Jeno’s other hand that wasn’t holding Jaemin’s waist had settled on his thigh, the rips in the fabric allowing his fingertips to brush the exposed skin. Jaemin jolted slightly at the contact, but didn’t tell Jeno to stop.

“Uh- yeah.” Jaemin was chewing on his bottom lip like a rabbit with a head of lettuce, his eyes darting up and down and around and anywhere but Jeno as a thought occurred to him. “How did I distract you?”

“Because you’re so beautiful,” Jeno replied simply and without any thought at all, causing Jaemin to freeze as his eyes suddenly had a mind of their own and looked directly at him. The soft brown and glint of the warm light pulled Jaemin in and he was stuck as he always was. As much as he wanted to push away and reject this newfound feeling, when it came to Jeno’s gaze, he couldn’t help himself. 

“I’m…” Jaemin started, shaking his head ever so slightly as once again his mouth worked faster than his brain and a delayed “not,” left his lips. He’d regretted it as soon as he said it, because jesus that sounded stupid and he knew it. He knew he wasn’t ugly, just plain Jaemin, boring and unexciting and underwhelming Jaemin. He also knew that Jeno was not the type to let those kinds of things slide, as he was probably one of the sweetest and most genuinely caring people he’d ever met, so upon realizing Jeno would scold him Jaemin began to try and push himself off.

“Hey- no.” Jeno tightened his grip on Jaemin’s waist, the hand on his thigh sliding up slightly to keep him tethered and Jaemin immediately stopped squirming, afraid that if he pushed his luck that hand would be somewhere he definitely didn’t need it to be. Not before dinner. “Jaemin.”

“Jeno.” There was a slight bite to his tone as he mimicked Jeno’s approach, which only served to deepen his already rife sense of regret. His eyes were turned down, admiring the black ink of the tattoos on Jeno’s arms, a welcome distraction to the talk he was about to get.

“Jaemin, look at me,” Jeno said gently, his voice warm as it’d always been. “Please.”Jaemin didn’t mean to say that out loud, but it left him before he could stop himself and he immediately regretted it. Jeno's tone was too soft, too welcoming, and as if by some sort of spell he couldn’t control Jaemin listened, dragging his eyes up painfully to look at Jeno. Mostly the mole on his cheek, unable to completely look him in the eye when he knew his face was probably the color of the tomato that got him into that position in the first place.

“What?” Jaemin asked quietly, cringing internally at his own inability to just be normal for five seconds.

Jeno took a moment to respond, letting the thumb at Jaemin’s hip press into the flesh of his stomach, trying to comfort him before he asked, “Why don’t you think you’re beautiful?”

Silence, and then a shrug, accompanied by a quiet and aversive, “I dunno.”

“That’s not an answer.”

Jaemin groaned, leaning his head forward to bury in Jeno’s shoulder, hoping the fresh pine scent and soft black fabric would consume him entirely and he’d never have to speak again. To his immediate disappointment, it did not.

“I can’t force you to talk, I know,” Jeno said as he let his hand squeeze Jaemin’s thigh gently, another attempt to soothe him that ended up having an opposite effect. “But I’d like to know why you feel that way, if you’d be willing to tell me.” Jeno was too kind for his own good, too patient and too fair and too understanding. Ironically, he was everything Jaemin had prayed everyday to be, and had asked God to help guide him towards, but there Jeno was doing it for free and not paying in his soul.

“Fine, fine, okay, but I’m doing it like this,” Jaemin mumbled against Jeno’s shirt, his hands slipping up from their place on his shoulders to connect behind his neck- like Jaemin was a human necklace. “It’s stupid.”

“Jaemin.”

“Okay okay okay.” Jaemin took a deep breath, Jeno’s scent calming him in such a way that it was almost embarrassing. “I just… don’t think I’m anything. Like I know I’m not ugly, I know that, but I’m boring. My hair is a dull brown and my eyes don’t sparkle and my sheltered existence has made me bad at fashion and bad with new things and I’ve never done anything exciting or stupid- except maybe a couple weeks ago but you get my point. I’m plain, unnoticeable, beige paint drying on a humid day, Jaemin Na. If not for the reality check I was given by Jisung before the party I so wonderfully embarrassed myself at I wouldn’t even have the clothes I’m wearing right now. If people saw us together when I looked like that well- they’d be super confused as to what a guy like you was doing with a guy like me. I could still argue for that but I won't as this self deprecation is getting just a little too pathetic.” He stopped with a quick breath, heavy going in but quick going out, as if to give a final release of the weight he’d been holding. “So, yeah. I don’t know. I guess I just don’t see myself that way, and in the nineteen years I’ve been alive nobody had ever exactly proved me wrong. Being in an overly committed relationship to Jesus really puts a damper on one's perception of self I guess.” At some point in between his ranting Jaemin had lifted his head from the crook of Jeno’s neck and could now feel his eyes on him, examining him for what he didn’t know. He was sure he sounded a bit pathetic, but he couldn’t help that that was the way he felt, and Jeno’s silence wasn’t helping much either. “Say something.”

“I am, I will. I just want it to be the right thing,” Jeno said as he looked at Jaemin with a glint of genuineness sitting behind his eyes. Jaemin didn’t want to rush him, obviously, but the longer he sat the worse he felt about dumping that out onto him, especially when he was just trying to give the guy he was on a date with a nice compliment.

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-”

“Jaem, don’t apologize, just let me say what I want to say, okay?” There wasn’t an ounce of harshness in his voice, just a gentle request that Jaemin could only give a simple nod to in return. “First, I can see why you would feel that way. We’re all insecure about something, and I can only assume that your life was extremely… confusing, to say the least. Hell, even in just the month that I’ve known you you have fought some pretty intense battles with yourself, and I think you’re so fucking cool for that. Second, beyond that, or in addition to or whatever it is exactly that I’m trying to say, from the moment I laid eyes on you I thought you were the most breathtaking thing I had ever seen. The way the tips of your cheeks catch the light and the perfect curve of your mouth when you smile and your complete inability to be calm for more than ten minutes. You are your gold cross, and your church camp shirts, and your ripped jeans, and your new boots. You are all of those things, Jaem. You’re everything. You’re not boring- jesus not in the slightest. You are funny and intelligent and so willing to do things that need to be done and I admire that so much about you. Like I said, I know this may all seem overwhelming and _fast,_ but I want you to know that I mean everything I say. You are mind numbingly beautiful. So much so that my hands have to hold you a little tighter to keep from trembling when I’m around you, which I like to be by the way. I very much enjoy being around you, and being seen with you. Just for the record.”

Jaemin stared, something akin to a horse tranquilizer seeping into his veins as he processed Jeno’s words. His hands were still resting on Jeno’s shoulders, but instead of keeping him steady they were like useless mounds of jelly. He was stunned in every sense of the word, and he could see Jeno staring back at him, waiting for a response he was trying so hard to accumulate but couldn’t for the life of him find his voice.

“I know that was also probably a lot, and you don’t have to say-” Jeno barely got to speak before he was cut off, feeling a familiar warmth against his lips as his grip tightened on Jaemin’s waist, trying to make sense of what was happening before finally realizing that Jaemin was kissing him. Jeno’s hand on Jaemin’s thigh pulled him closer until their chests were flush against each other, causing Jaemin’s hands to snake up and find themselves mussed in Jeno’s hair. Jaemin wasn’t sure why he kissed him, and maybe it was a way to say thank you without saying it, but once their lips connected he couldn't stop. Jeno’s warmth beneath him wrapped him up and kept him close, making Jaemin’s own skin burn hot as he felt something wet drag across his bottom lip. The sensation of Jeno’s tongue caused a sharp breath to catch in his throat, but he didn’t pull away, wouldn’t have dared pull away as he parted his lips slightly to allow Jeno to slip past them. Jaemin had never felt anything like it before, and was a little confused as to what to do when his body took matters into its own hands, his own tongue running against Jeno’s and tasting him as if he were something sweet. It must have been the right thing to do because the _sound_ that fell from the back of Jeno’s throat hit Jaemin’s ears and slid down his spine, even if he had to almost strain to hear it among every other sensation he was feeling. The kiss continued that way for some time, Jaemin feeling his cheeks flush more with every passing second, even after Jeno retreated his tongue and opted for catching Jaemin’s bottom lip between his teeth. Another sound of surprise escaped him that Jeno captured in another kiss, the thumb on Jaemin’s waist slipping under his shirt to press into his warm skin as they kissed, and kissed, and kissed.

After a few moments though Jeno pulled back, his forehead staying pressed to Jaemin’s as his hand squeezed at his thigh, a breathless, “are you okay?” slipping past his swollen lips.

“What?” Jaemin was sure he was dreaming, because why the fuck would real Jeno stop such a perfect moment, making him painfully aware of the warmth settling in his stomach as every little movement was screaming at his oversensitivity. “Yes- yes I’m fine. Why’d you stop?”

A chuckle vibrated Jeno’s chest and Jaemin couldn’t help himself as he leaned in closer, nuzzling his nose against Jeno’s cheek. He felt similar to how he had after those unfortunate drinks at the party- warm and safe and unable to think about anything else but Jeno. “Our food is going to get cold.”

“So?” Jaemin obviously wasn’t thinking at all, not even having the brain to hear himself as he so desperately made it clear that he wanted to kiss Jeno until he lost all the oxygen in his lungs.

“Jaemin,” Jeno said in the same way he tended to say the boy's name. Somewhere between amused and a gentle reprimander. “We’ll have plenty of time for… this. Let’s finish dinner.”

Jaemin pulled back slowly at this, a soft, “okay,” leaving him as his hands retreated from their place in Jeno’s hair. “M’ sorry.”

“Hey, do _not_ be sorry, Jaemin. I’m not stopping because I don’t want to keep going. I’m stopping because if I keep going I don't know when else I’ll find the willpower to do so.” Jeno leaned forward once again and placed a gentle kiss to Jaemin’s cheek before whispering softly against the shell of his ear, “trust me I want to keep going, but not yet, okay?”

Jaemin nodded, shivering slightly at the close contact before removing himself from Jeno’s lap carefully, gripping onto the sink to steady himself as his legs were threatening to give out from underneath him.

As the pair exited the bathroom and continued with finishing preparing their dinner, Jaemin had a hard time wrapping his head around what had just happened. He had kissed people before, but never _kissed_ people before. He definitely never did anything resembling what he and Jeno did with his ex girlfriend, and he was still a little fuzzy from the whole ordeal but he powered through nonetheless. Jeno helped Jaemin cook the vegetables and then they tossed them with the noodles and cut up chicken breast that was, in Jaemin’s opinion, cooked to perfection. Everything was laid out nicely on the kitchen table, with two glasses of water at the settings next to each other.

“Sit,” Jaemin said with a smile, gesturing to the table before rummaging around the kitchen cabinets, retrieving two wine glasses before turning back to a now seated Jeno with a slight shrug. “Wine?” Jeno’s features scrunched in an amused confusion.

“You’re… nineteen?” Was all he said.

“Yes, nineteen and also obsessed with cooking, so I keep some wine stashed away for sauces and stuff.” Jaemin reached into the fridge and pulled out the bottle of red wine before going to sit next to Jeno at the table, setting one of the glasses next to his plate. “Mark buys it for me.”

“Ah, that makes sense.” Jeno reached out for the bottle, looking over at Jaemin for approval before pulling the cork out and pouring them a bit in their respective glasses. After Jeno set the bottle down he grabbed the bowl of pasta they had made together, serving Jaemin first before putting some onto his own plate.

“I thought I was serving you dinner?” Jaemin asked with a soft laugh that bubbled from his chest, settling in his cheeks into a smile. “But thank you.”

“You made the dinner, healed my wounds, and gave me the hottest make out of my life, the least I could’ve done is serve you.” Jaemin blushed at this, turning his head down slightly before telling Jeno to eat well and hiding his embarrassment in his own plate of food.

The pair ate their meal with an easy air that led to mindless conversation about Jeno’s childhood and Jaemin’s favorite flavor of laffy taffy and how they both had hauntingly similar nightmares about being left in shopping malls. After they finished their food and almost the entire bottle of wine they found themselves comfortably nestled on the couch, Jaemin’s head rested on Jeno’s shoulder as some movie played on the tv that Jaemin really couldn’t be bothered to focus on. Jaemin was fidgeting with Jeno’s hand in his, tracing every line and crease he could find in an attempt to release whatever nervous energy he had left in him.

“You’re thinking again,” Jeno said suddenly, causing Jaemin to lift his head and look over at him with a look akin to a startled cat, which caused Jeno to chuckle a bit. “Talk to me.”

Jaemin groaned quietly, pulling his legs up underneath him on the couch, before balling up closer into Jeno’s side, hiding his face in his neck. “All I do is talk to you, aren’t you sick of me yet? Me and all my issues?” 

“No, not in the slightest.” Jeno turned himself slightly, his hand reaching out to rest on Jaemin’s knee as he rested his cheek on the top of his head. “How about I tell you white I’m thinking about?”

Jaemin’s lips brushed against Jeno’s collarbone as he nodded, causing Jeno’s grip to subconsciously tighten on his knee, which didn’t go unnoticed to Jaemin. “Please.”

“Well, I’m thinking about how d-” Jaemin kissed his neck. A ghost of a kiss that could’ve almost been a part of his imagination, but distracted him just enough to stop him in his tracks.

“Continue,” Jaemin said softly, nuzzling his nose against Jeno’s jaw as he did.

“I’m thinking about how delicious your food was, and how…” another kiss. “How pretty you look when your cook- cooking.” Jaemin gently nipped at the now warm skin of Jeno’s neck, experimenting with the reactions he was receiving and loving the way he could barely get through a sentence.

“Anything else?” Jaemin’s voice was practically a whisper, wearing thin on Jeno’s ability to concentrate.

“No, not at all,” Jeno said before turning his head towards Jaemin, his hand reaching up to tilt his chin to him before catching his lips in a kiss, to which Jaemin responded too easily.

Before Jaemin could register the full consequences of his actions he felt Jeno’s hands on his waist, gripping him tightly and pulling him to sit on his lap as they had been positioned before. Jaemin welcomed the new position and settled his legs on either side of Jeno’s thighs, letting his arms wrap around his neck as he kissed him. It was probably the wine and the leftover high from having kissed him earlier that was making him so bold, but Jaemin couldn’t bring himself to think much about it as he was getting lost in Jeno. _Jeno, Jeno, Jeno._ He was solid beneath him, the feeling of his muscles tensing against his own stomach tethering him to the fact that he was real as Jeno took it upon himself to explore Jaemin’s mouth once again, his tongue not having to ask for permission as it slipped between Jaemin’s lips. A soft sigh of something needy and surprised escaped from the back of Jaemin’s throat as his hands found purchase in Jeno’s hair, gripping the soft strands gently in the hopes they’d keep him together. Jaemin easily let his tongue run along Jeno’s, a slight shiver overtaking him as he felt strong hands slipping beneath the material of his shirt. Calloused fingers explored fiery skin and Jaemin thought he might pass out then and there, but his brain was on autopilot, so instead he pulled back from Jeno’s hold and lifted his own shirt off, only to toss it somewhere in the room. The wine had definitely gotten to him. Once his shirt was gone he leaned in to kiss Jeno again, but was stopped by the same strong hands resting on his chest, causing him to become painfully aware of how quickly that had all happened.

“Fuck,” Jeno choked out breathlessly, his eyes scanning every inch of exposed skin he possibly could. If he thought Jaemin was the most perfect thing he’d seen before then he was clearly underestimating just how fucking _unimaginable_ he really was. Toned muscles and glowing skin that looked even more picturesque with the slight flush cascading down Jaemin’s chest were overwhelming his gaze and every word he’d ever known was taken from him in a second.

Jaemin was quick to be overcome with an unavoidable need to keel over and die then and there, the realization of what he was doing was like a rush of blood straight to his head as if he were hanging upside down from the jungle gym. “I’m sorry, I didn’t-” he started, but was quick to be cut off by Jeno pulling him in by his shoulders and pressing their lips together once again. Jaemin wanted to whine and complain that _oh god, he was embarrassed_ and had no idea what in the world he was doing, but Jeno lit a fire in him like an unattended pile of sagebrush dried up by the desert sun. Jaemin sat dormant for so long, waiting for an unsuspecting individual to be curious enough to set him ablaze, but even he had no idea he was capable of these things. The surprise turned into a numbing sensation all over his body as he easily let his arms fight their previous place around Jeno’s neck, adorning himself like the cross around his own as their lips moved together curiously. The kiss wasn’t particularly heated, yet, but there was a sense of urgency in the way Jaemin squirmed on Jeno’s lap, unable to sit still as every nerve ending on his body was too sensitive for his own good. Jeno reciprocated of course, his hands also finding their comfortable place on Jaemin’s bare waist, his fingertips pressing into the skin so deeply it was as if he was trying to tear him open, but Jaemin didn’t mind at all.

Naturally, Jaemin’s fear was quickly overtaken by that same feeling that settled in his stomach and made his brain go fuzzy. It was a feeling he was sure he could get addicted to if he let himself, which was a worry in itself as he’d never been addicted to anything before, but he was fine with his drug of choice being Jeno.

As another rush of boldness coursed through his veins, Jaemin let his lips drag away from Jeno’s lips and trail their combined spit down his cheek and along his jaw before finally finding purchase in the soft skin of Jeno’s neck. Now, Jaemin had never in his _life_ gotten this close to someone else’s body, nor had to try and make another person feel good, but he’d seen enough things he knew he probably shouldn’t have on tv and… elsewhere. With that knowledge stored somewhere in his brain and the natural will of his own body, he let his lips begin to suck on the dip just above Jeno’s collarbone. The sensation must’ve been right or maybe just a surprise because as soon as he’d done it he felt one of Jeno’s hands grip into his thigh, a soft sigh brushing against the shell of his ear simply serving to fuel Jaemin more as he released the salty skin from between his lips, only to let his teeth drag across the blooming purple mark.

“Jaemin,” Jeno breathed out, his own mind completely gone despite his best efforts to be the rational one. He knew Jaemin had never done these things, at least he had a pretty good guess, and though he tried to ask him to slow down earlier it was becoming increasingly hard with how persistent he was. Honestly, Jeno felt he couldn’t be blamed for that because _it’s Jaemin_ and Jaemin was everything good and beautiful and worthwhile about the world. Feeling his lips on his neck was like swallowing hot coals and not being able to stop yourself no matter how much it burned. The heat that radiated between them was hellfire and Jeno’s hands burned as they roamed his angel’s body, sure that if anything were to disrupt that moment he’d evaporate into nothingness, but nothing could ruin that moment. They were Jeno and Jaemin in their own little world, and Jeno could hear nothing but his own heartbeat in his ears as Jaemin’s lips bruised the expanse of his neck like a peach that was just a little too ripe. It was perfect, indescribable, everything Jeno had ever wanted- but good things always come to an end.

“Oh. My. God.” The perfect moment shattered by the sound of surprised wails and stuttered apologies as Jaemin tore himself away from Jeno’s lap, practically rolling off of him as he turned to see Mark and Jisung standing in his doorway, backpacks dropped to the floor and mouths hung so wide open they looked like cartoon ghosts.

“What the fuck-” Jaemin was in shock, his gooey fantasy frozen over in an instant as he frantically searched the floor for his shirt, grabbing it from under the coffee table before slipping it back on haphazardly. Jeno stayed frozen on the couch, watching between Jaemin and the two boys at the door and completely unsure of what to do. What was there even to do? It seemed self explanatory enough. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Jaemin’s voice echoed in his own ears like it was removed from his body, because there was no way he was actually Jaemin experiencing this absolute terrible nightmare of an existence.

“Oh my god- oh my fucking god,” Jisung sputtered as he pretended to shield his eyes, giggles of embarrassment or shock or maybe something entirely different forcing his features into pained amusement. “I told you, Mark.”

“Jisung, shut up,” Mark spat out as he tried to look up at Jaemin, but was unable to meet his gaze as his eyes trailed over his wrinkled shirt and caught a glimpse of Jeno’s mussed state on the couch behind him. “We’ll wait outside, I- I’m sorry.” Mark grabbed Jisung by the arm, yanking him down the hall and out the front building doors, leaving their backpacks in a heap by the door.

“Jaemin,” Jeno said softly, his voice practically a whisper as he stood from the couch, coming up behind a stunned Jaemin who stood frozen facing the door. “I should… let you talk to them. I’m so sorry.” His hand reached up to gently rest on Jaemin’s shoulder, causing him to flinch slightly in surprise before relaxing upon regaining his senses and remembering Jeno was still in the room with him- he really thought he’d died. “Call me when you’re ready, okay?”

Jaemin looked up at Jeno with a slight nod, his brows furrowed together in so much thought that Jeno was sure he could see the words swirling around his brain. “Yeah, yeah, I will.”

With that, Jeno left, making the quick but somehow hauntingly long walk back to his apartment down the hall and around the corner and Jaemin was alone once again. What was he supposed to say? He was going to tell them about Jeno, first thing Monday morning he was going to skip class and drive home and tell them all about him, but he somehow managed to be caught in the acts of his confessions yet again. 

As he took a deep breath, trying to find it in himself to move his feet and will himself out of his apartment he had a memory of the locker room again- how easily he let the world around him control the fate of his life. If he’d just been a little braver or a little smarter or a little less obsessed with conformity maybe it would have been different. However there was no changing the past, and he’d be damned before he let himself ruin what he had with Jeno like he did with Hyuck, so the only way to heal those old wounds was by ripping open new ones. The only way out of this was to tell them the truth, because they were his best friends and they deserved that much, and if they left him because of it, well, they weren’t his friends to begin with.

But they wouldn’t leave him, would they?


	5. Taking it Slow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems everyone is having to have "the talk". Kids and their secrets and their inability to keep their hands off each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG!! And doubly sorry that it's all necassary filler, but I promise next chapter gets more interesting and we start tying up loose ends. Thank you for all the kind words and I hope you enjoy.

“Dude- what the fuck?” Jisung exclaimed as he and Mark practically fell down the small flight of stairs in front of the apartment, surrounded by the haunting glow of the quiet city around them. “I was right,” he continued with a strained laugh, pure and utter disbelief spilling over him in every way imaginable.

“Yeah, yeah you were right,” Mark said while staring off at nothing in particular before looking over at Jisung, the pair immediately breaking into fits of laughter and childish giggles. “God that was gross.”

“So gross…” Jisung agreed with a scrunch of his nose, the shock wearing off minorly as he rubbed the amused tears from his eyes. “But at least he finally figured it out.”

“Figured it out?” The pair looked at each other, realization dawning on them that the voice hadn’t come from either of them, but from above on the steps behind them. They turned to see Jaemin standing at the top step, his shirt hanging pathetically on his shoulders and his hair still a mess as he motioned for the boys to follow him inside. “C’mon, I don’t wanna talk out in the open.”

Jisung and Mark gave each other another look before following Jaemin back into the building. Jisung was half expecting to still see Jeno in the apartment, sitting at the table drinking tea, but it was just them as Jaemin shut the door.

“Look, Jaemin,” Mark began, but was cut off with a wave of Jaemin’s hand. He cleared his throat, knuckles clenching around nothing as he looked between his two best friends.  _ Now or never  _ he thought.

“No, I owe you guys an explanation, I know that.” He swallowed hard, the air suddenly seeming too heavy and not nearly in enough supply. “So, I’m really sorry for lying to you. I’m sorry for lying and ignoring you all weekend and not warning you to avoid any awkward conversations with my parents that might have happened. I’m sorry for letting you walk in on… that.” He shuddered, remembering the unfiltered embarrassment it brought him. “I’m sorry for all of that- but I also need you to know that I’m not sorry that I am… the way that I am.” His clammy palms dragged against his jeans and his cheeks burned red and he was sure he looked a fool, but when he forced his eyes up to meet his friends gaze, Jaemin was only met with sparkly eyes of joy and understanding. “What?”

Jisung was the first to move, his long limbs reaching out for Jaemin as he pulled him into a tight hug, Mark following suit to wrap his arms around both of them as best he could. “We’re not mad at you, Jaemin,” Jisung mumbled into his shoulder, and on instinct Jaemin hugged them back, their limbs tangling into each other until they weren’t sure where one ended and one began.

“You’re not?”

“No, stupid, we’d never be upset with you for being who you are. Never. We love you.” Mark had his head tucked under Jisung’s chin, and for a moment the three stood in a comfortable silence. Peace washed over them in both the sense that  _ finally  _ Jaemin had told his friends, and  _ finally  _ Jisung and Mark got to see Jaemin be honest with himself. Among the silence a small sniffle was heard, and Mark pulled back to see Jaemin turn away, hiding his face in his hand as he began to-

“Jaem, are you crying?” Jisung asked with a quivering voice of his own, the two boys sharing a tear stricken laugh before Jising forced Jaemin into another hug.

“Are YOU crying?” Jaemin retorted, resting his head in the crook of Jisungs neck as he looked at Mark just behind him. Mark wasn’t crying, he never really did, but Jaemin knew he felt just the same. The thing about them was that they all knew what the other was thinking or feeling, sometimes even before the person under scrutiny knew it themselves. They were soulmates in every definition of the word, and Jaemin felt silly for doubting that at all, but they were there now, and he was okay. He was safe again.

“If we’re being honest,” Jisung began, his chin still nestled comfortably on Jaemin’s shoulder. “Me too. Well- kinda. Partially.” Jaemin pulled back at his words, his hands still planted on his shoulders as he looked at him as calmly as he could.

“I knew it.”

“Oh you did not! You barely knew about yourself.” Mark scoffed, watching in amusement as the pair pulled apart and wiped their happy tears from their eyes.

“Hey, I knew, I just acted like I didn’t.” Jaemin said matter-of-factly while straightening out his shirt.

“Sorry for not telling you, too,” Jisung added sheepishly, his large frame making him look like a giant baby as he averted eye contact with him. 

“Don’t be sorry, Sungie, I know it’s hard and I know with the way I acted before it was probably nerve wracking for you too. I’m just glad I know now.” Jaemin gave him a reassuring smile and silence fell on them again, having all their secrets out in the open felt way less monumental than he thought it would, but Jaemin was happy, when suddenly a thought dawned on him. “Why are you guys here? It’s Sunday.” Mark chuckled dryly at that.

“You were right about the awkward encounters with your parents. I was buying groceries and your mom practically cornered me asking if I’d heard from you, and then you weren’t answering my calls so… we came to see you.” He shrugged simply, as if his worry was self explanatory. “Plus Jisung wanted an excuse to see his little  _ friend. _ ” Jaemin tilted his head at that, his brows raising in query as he waited for the younger boy to comment.

“Yes, okay, yes. I was very worried about your well being, and I also wanted to see a boy. Sue me.” Jisung crossed his arms against his chest, a familiar scrunched nose expression adorning his features and Jaemin couldn’t help but coo at him, reaching his hands out to squeeze at his irresistible mochi cheeks, which Jisung took willingly.

“That’s so cute, my little baby has a boyfriend.” Jaemin released his cheeks and Jisung groaned his little angsty groan. Everything was right again.

“Not my boyfriend, he’s just my friend.”

“What’s his name?” Jaemin asked as he motioned for them to sit on the couch together, hoping they weren’t scarred from walking in on him sucking face with Jeno, a moment he admittedly missed already.

“Considering you drank yourself stupid at his party I’d think you’d know,” Mark said with a laugh, grabbing one of the throw pillows to hold in his lap as he sat next to Jaemin on the couch, Jisung making himself comfortable on the other side.

“Shut up, Mark.” Jisung grumbled and mimicked the older boy’s actions, holding the other throw pillow in his lap as he played with the soft fluff. “His name is Chenle. His sister is in your early education class.”

“Holy shit. You’re dating the rich kid? Am I invited to the family coastal home?”

“No.”

“Ow!” Jaemin earned a swift punch in the shoulder for that, causing him to wince and grab at his assaulted arm. “What was that for?”

“He’s not the rich kid. He’s just a person, a cool person, and he’s my friend.” Jisung used his very rare serious voice, which Jaemin knew better than to disregard. Jisung was never serious about anything, ever, so Jaemin knew to respect it when he was.

“Okay, fair enough.” Jaemin nodded simply, giving him an apologetic smile before reaching onto the coffee table for the tv remote. “Alright which bad movie are we watching tonight?”

“Please lord not another rom-com.” Mark reached for the remote in Jaemin’s hand but was not quick enough, Jaemin holding it up above his head.

“You can pick the movie when you can reach the remote,” Jaemin chuckled, waving the remote teasingly when he felt it be snatched from his grasp. “Hey!” He turned to Jisung to try and grab the remote back, clamoring over him until Jising flew off the couch, running away and up the stairs to Jaemin’s loft.

“Youngest and tallest gets to pick the movie!” 

Jaemin and Mark obviously chased after him.

\-----

Jeno shut his apartment door behind him, leaning against it as he dropped his keys on the little entryway table, kicking his shoes off with a dramatic exhale.

“You’re home much earlier than I expected.” Jeno’s head turned up to follow the sound of the voice, his eyes landing on Renjun sitting with his back turned to Jeno on one of the barstools at the kitchen counter, a book open in front of him and a mug of tea in his hands. 

“Yeah, something… happened.” Jeno rubbed his hands against his face before smoothing them through his hair, stepping further into the apartment to plop down onto the couch. Renjun spun around in his seat, setting his tea down on the counter as he watched Jeno, trying to gauge him for  _ what  _ exactly happened.

“Did you guys… have a fight?” Renjun asked as he plopped down from his stool, black plaid pajama pants hanging loosely on his legs and covering his feet, accompanied by a ragged t-shirt that had one too many holes to be worn out. He walked around the back of the couch and plopped down next to Jeno’s feet, slumping back into the comfortable cushions.

“No, thankfully.” A dry chuckle escaped Jeno, his arm draping over his eyes as if he were some painting of a god hiding away from the horrors around him. “We were, ya know, kissing, and in the middle of things getting intense his friends walked in. Friends he hadn’t told about us yet- about himself even. They were shocked, obviously, but Jaem needed to talk to them so I came home.” 

Renjun made a soft “oh” sound, nodding in understanding despite Jeno not really paying attention. “Do you think he’ll be okay? I know he’s pretty… religious. Are his friends the same way?”

“I don’t know, I think so, but he’s not really religious himself anymore. At least I assume.” Jeno pulled himself into a sitting position, his back against the arm rest as his legs extended straight out onto the couch. “I guess we haven’t talked about that.”

“Might be a good thing to discuss before you go too far,” Renjun muttered as he played with a fraying edge of his shirt.

“What do you mean?”

Renjun sighed, not really sure he wanted to have that conversation as it was akin to having “the talk” with one's mother but this was with his best friend, so he figured it was justified. “I just mean,” he started, reaching for the right words. “I think you should be weary of things getting  _ intense _ , as you put it, if you don’t know what he believes. The first time I met the guy he was wearing a church camp t-shirt. He was in a hetersexual relationship like, what, three days ago? He’s had three mental breakdowns since you met him a month ago, you’ve only been speaking for two weeks, and no I don’t count you stalking him for three as speaking. Maybe it’s what he wants and maybe he genuinely feels all these things for you, but also you need to consider that maybe you’re like a candy store for him and he’s a kid who’s never had sugar in his life.” Renjun glanced over at Jeno, seeing his face slightly taut as he heard words he didn’t really wanna hear. “I’m not trying to discourage you, because I know you really like the guy, but I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt, so I am simply asking as the person who will be wiping the tears from your cheeks that you take it slow. Give him some time to navigate his life before you go doing things he can’t take ba-”

“I told him to slow down. I did.” Jeno was defensive now, obviously, as his illusion of the most perfect date he’d ever been on came crashing down on top of him. “But he kept coming onto me and touching me and I just- I’m a weak man, Renjun. Have you  _ seen  _ him?” There was a desperation in his eyes, and Renjun almost wanted to lie to him just to make it go away, but he knew better than that.

“Jeno, I don’t doubt that he wants you, but I worry for both him and you that the reasons he wants you might not be clear to him yet. You’re the opposite of everything he used to be, and you’re a hot guy who’s been nothing but a savior to him from the moment you met. Please, for my sake and  _ both  _ of yours I ask that you just think about the things you’re doing, and for the love of god have a real conversation with him amongst the face sucking.” Jeno winced at the last comment, but nodded in regretful agreement nonetheless.

“Okay, I can do that.” He heaved out a breath he felt like he’d been holding onto, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “I want to make it work with him, Renjun.”

“I know, bud, but he is probably going through so much inside himself, and building a relationship with someone means talking them through their issues with them. You can’t save him from everything.” Renjun patted Jeno’s leg before standing from the couch, straightening out his shirt collar as he looked down at his friend with as gentle of a smile as he could muster. “I’m gonna go to bed, but let me know if he says anything.”

“Bed? It’s 9pm,” Jeno said with a slight chuckle.

“By bed I mean I am going to lay down and be on my phone until I pass out. I suggest you do the same.”

“Right. Goodnight, Jun, and thank you.”

“Yeah yeah, thank me at the wedding.” Renjun grumbled as he padded away down the hallway, disappearing behind the click of a door and leaving Jeno to process what he’d said.

And Jeno really tried to process it. 

And process it.

And process it.

He found himself at his desk in his room, the light from his lamp illuminating the various papers he had in front of him, his laptop sitting open with equations he wanted to physically scream at. Engineering probably wasn’t his obvious choice in major considering he dressed like he was doing gigs at the Aladdin every other night, however he felt like people were allowed some duality. Amongst his homework, Jeno had his phone sitting face up and off to the side, glancing at it every now and then as he waited for a text from Jaemin. His leg tapped ceaselessly as he tried to bury himself deeper in Calculus II, because he knew that if Jaemin wasn’t updating him that he was probably fine, right? They were probably just hanging out now, and talking and catching up. Jeno’s brain wanted so badly to focus on that positive outcome, but he couldn’t help the constant nagging in the back of his mind that something had gone horribly wrong and he’d for some reason never see Jaemin again as he was dragged back to the dregs of his old life. In his heart of hearts he knew that was stupid, because Jaemin’s friends didn’t seem like the bible thumper type, but his fear of losing something he’d barely found was stronger than any rationality he could muster.

He checked the time again: midnight. Sunday was officially over and his date only twelve hours prior seemed so distant that it might as well have been a dream. Jeno felt that was maybe a bit dramatic to think, so he shut his laptop and turned off the lamp because no work was getting done anyways. As he pulled himself into bed he thought about Renjun’s words.  _ Take it slow. Have a conversation.  _ Jeno stared up at the darkness of his ceiling and realized against his will that he really didn’t know Jaemin, but he wanted to. Every waking thought he’d had since the moment he saw him outside the library was about knowing him better. Ironically the easiest part was figuring out if he was even into guys despite his affliction for the unknown, and an even easier hurdle was finding out if Jaemin was into him, but now he found the hardest thing would be to not completely lose himself to Jaemin so soon. Renjun was, annoyingly and as usual, right, but what did that entail? Jeno wasn’t sure. Maybe casual distance, maybe interrogating Jaemin but in a welcoming way, maybe just being his friend- yeah that last one would be impossible. Jeno thought and thought and thought until eventually he couldn’t think anymore, sleep overcoming him faster than he’d anticipated. He’d surely have a plan in the morning.

_ The Morning _

“Remind me never to drink Dr. Pepper and eat chicken nuggets at 4am again,” Jisung groaned as he sipped at his cup of water, slumped in a chair at the kitchen table.

“You’re not gonna hurl in my car are you?” Mark teased as he ruffled his hair with a towel, water droplets still clinging to his neck from his shower in the light of the early morning sun. Since the boys came on a Sunday they had to leave rather early in the morning, because, well, responsibilities.

“Ya know, I just might.” Jisung held his cup up in a mock “cheers” and took another sip before setting the glass down, his hair hanging at all sorts of odd angles around his ears and above his brow. He looked up to see Jaemin set a bottle of pepto down in front of him, which he gladly shoved in his hoodie pocket. “Thanks.”

“I wish you could stay longer,” Jaemin pouted, “but you can come again next weekend if you want?” There was a hint of hopefulness in his words, a tinge of longing that he couldn’t hide, and he admittedly felt a jolt of happiness when both of his friends nodded in agreement. “I wish you guys could just stay here. It sucks that we’re an hour drive away from each other.”

“Oh I’ll happily take you up on that, although if I were moving to the city I’d stay in Chenle’s house because there’s like a pool and a Nintendo Switch and fancy sparkling waters.” Jisung was grinning at his own words as he stood from the table, fumbling around like a man hungover but really was just suffering the consequences of two hours of sleep and early, early morning junk food.

“What am I supposed to do with both of you being grotesquely lovesick?” Mark feigned disgust as he hung his towel on the back of a dining room chair, grabbing his keys from the table. “I’m the lone wolf.”

“Jeno’s roommates are single too,” Jaemin supplied half-jokingly as he crossed his arms against his chest, watching as the two boys grabbed their backpacks from by the door. 

“Please don’t try and set me up with one of your boy toys little emo friends.” The comment was sudden, practically word vomit, and pulled a snort out of Jisung who playfully pushed Mark’s shoulder.

“Woah, dude, harsh much?” Jisung said as he slung his bag over his shoulder, a chuckle still settling in his chest at Mark’s words.

“Sorry, you know people make me nervous.” Mark slumped over under the weight of his backpack, giving Jaemin a less than meaningful shrug. “But it could be cool to have all of us get together, maybe,” he added, looking between Jisung and Jaemin for their reactions. “That would include Chenle too, obviously, just to make some new friends.” The two boys weren’t giving him much of a reaction at all.

“Why the interest in group bonding? All those years of being a camp counselor coming back to bite you in the ass?” Jisung was obviously the first to respond with sarcasm, his default setting, but it earned him a light shove to his shoulder from Jaemin. “Ow.”

“Yeah, that could be cool,” Jaemin said with a smile, appreciating the effort being made by Mark to make sure everyone was getting along, and just because there was some face sucking occurring amongst the group of guys didn’t mean they couldn’t all have some quality bro time. Jaemin admittedly was in need of more friends on campus anyways, and the natural osmosis of acquiring Hyuck and Renjun into his life seemed inevitable, but he was curious to meet the mysterious Chenle. “I’ll see what I can do.”

At that Mark and Jisung bid Jaemin farewell and shuffled out of his apartment building, leaving him, as usual, alone. He figured it was too early to bother Jeno, so he typed up a quick text of “everything went okay, will fill you in when you are alive” before getting a quick shower, knowing he had class at noon. He wasn’t sure how exactly Jeno would have handled the whole ordeal after the fact, and it dawned on him that maybe it was a bit selfish to leave him hanging all night. Perhaps that was something he needed to work on- wanting someone to know about the things that went on in his life. Having whole chunks of himself hidden and locked away had made intimacy hard in his life, even if Jaemin was a considerably good actor, but he didn’t want to hide things from Jeno. He wanted to be Jeno’s friend and companion as much as he wanted to kiss him until his lips fell off. Jeno was inviting and warm and intelligent and strong, and Jaemin yearned to figure out all the adjectives in the dictionary he could pull to describe him, but that obviously was going to take some time.

As he emerged from the steam of his bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, Jaemin peeked at his phone to check the time, the buzz of an incoming call startling him to the point of almost dropping it in his slippery grip but he caught it in the last second, immediately accepting the call.

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“Oh, Jeno,” Jaemin sighed in relief, his shoulders relaxing as a reflexive grin settled on his features. “How are you?”

“Partially dead I think. I just got out of my 9am and was gonna get some coffee, wanna come? We can talk about, ya know.” Jeno’s voice sounded as smooth as ever, his usual charm seeping through despite not being anywhere near Jaemin.

“Yeah, that’d be great, actually. I just need to dry off and put some clothes on and I’ll meet you at the cafe in the library?” The sound of a throat clearing crackled on the other end, causing a blush to rise on Jaemin’s cheeks as he wondered if that was from his admittance that he was fresh out of the shower. God he was like a hormonal teenager.

“Yes- yeah, sounds good. See you soon.”

“Bye!” Jaemin quickly hung up the phone and ran up the stairs to his loft, holding onto his towel for dear life as he scrambled through his clothes for something clean to wear. He really needed to do laundry, but personal chores went to the bottom of his list of things to do as he was busy sorting out his internal struggles. Eventually and by the grace of God, Jaemin pulled out a pair of blue jeans that were still folded neatly, pairing them with a black t-shirt that he’d gotten from some church event- yeah he really  _ really  _ needed to do laundry- but it was inconspicuous and simple enough. He slipped his boots on at the door before slinging his backpack over his shoulder and made the quick walk to the library, admittedly walking a bit faster than necessary, but nobody needed to know that.

When he arrived at the library he pushed through the front doors as he made his way to the cafe nestled in the corner. He assumed Jeno was already there since he was already on campus, and his suspicions were confirmed when he saw the familiar mop of red hair and perfectly filled black ensemble.  _ God,  _ Jeno always looked so good. Jaemin hiked his backpack higher up onto his shoulder as he entered the cafe, slipping in quietly across from Jeno unannounced.

“Sorry, is this seat taken?” He asked with a playful grin, watching in awe as Jeno’s features illuminated at the site of him. “I’m afraid if it is you’re going to have to tell your girlfriend that it’s been refilled.”

“As far as I’m concerned my girlfriend has been forgotten about.” The pair shared a light eruption of laughter, Jaemin setting his bag underneath the table as he glanced down and noticed that Jeno had already ordered him a cup of iced coffee- dark and full to the brim. “You mentioned you liked it black.”

Jaemin’s features twisted into a warm smile, a soft “thanks” slipping past his lips as he took a sip. It was as good as ever. “And, thank you for asking me to come, I’m sorry I never texted you back last night.” Jeno’s hand waved in dismissal.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m just glad you’re okay,” he said with a smile of his own, bringing his mug of what appeared to be a latte to his lips, taking a sip before setting it down gently. “You are okay, right?”

“Oh, yes, everything went… fine. More than fine. They were very understanding and in a way they already knew. Oh and Jisung came out to me too? He said he’s “kinda” the same so I’m not sure what that means, but he has a thing for the guy who lives in the house I so hilariously got drunk at.” Jaemin was glowing as he spoke, which he obviously didn’t know, but Jeno couldn’t help the grin that tugged at his lips as he listened to him speak. “And then we stayed up obscenely late watching movies, Jisung ate some chicken nuggets at four am that didn’t agree with him, I got a couple hours of sleep, showered, and now I’m here.” He nodded his head slightly in finality, taking another sip from his drink before looking over at Jeno. “What’d you do after you left?”

“Well, first of all, I’m glad everything went well- and good for Jisung.” Another laugh left Jeno and Jaemin wanted to reach out and grab it, put it in his pocket. “Second of all, I was admittedly, and embarrassingly, a bit nervous so I tried to bury myself in homework which ended up not working well so I just went to sleep.”

“Nervous?” Jaemin queried with a slight tilt of his head. “Nervous about what?”

“Just that,” Jeno hesitated, not sure if it was the right time to bring  _ that  _ up. “I just was worried about you.” Jeno scrunched up his nose slightly, his hands fidgeting with the mug in their grasp as he glanced up at Jaemin through his lashes. “And,” he started, sitting up straighter in an attempt to somehow prepare himself for what he was about to say. “When I got home, Renjun and I talked for a bit. More like, he talked to me and I listened, and I think he made some points that were important that I also wanted to bring up, if that’s okay.” Jaemin’s blood curdled, as he felt he was basically being told they needed to “talk” but he tried to swallow back the panic rising in his chest and simply nodded, a weightless smile curving up the corners of his lips. Had Jeno gotten sick of him already? Had Renjun told him that Jeno was too good for him, or that maybe Jaemin wasn’t stable enough or normal enough or anything enough? Or maybe it was none of those things and Jaemin was freaking out for no reason.

“Ok, go ahead.”

“Well, basically, I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t being selfish here. I know that pretty much every week since we’ve met has had a really weird obstacle for you, and Renjun felt that maybe I was being a little too savior-y rather than actually helping you. He also said watching you for three weeks before having a conversation with you didn’t count as getting to know you,” a dry chuckle escaped him, trying to ease some of the tension he was feeling but probably only serving to make it worse. “And he also knows I am a terribly simple creature who sees the most stunning, perfect man I’ve ever laid eyes on in front of me and maybe loses some of my willpower, but I don’t want to… go too fast. For you, and for me. Jisung and Mark walking in on us yesterday made me realize that this is very new for both of us, and I  _ don’t  _ just want you for your looks, if that wasn’t clear, and I want to know you because you fascinate me endlessly, and I know we’ve kind of talked about it but I mean it when I say that I want you. I just think we need to maybe slow down, and talk about… everything. Definitely not all at once but just over a couple more dates. I’d really like to take you on some more dates, and I want to do whatever it is people do when they start hanging out, or dating, or whatever it is we’re doing.” Jeno sucked in a breath, suddenly painfully aware of how long he’d been rambling. “Then again I could be way off base and you might just want to kiss and stuff and that’s cool too I mean I won’t complain I just thought maybe it might be overwhelming but what do I kn-”

“Jeno.” Jaemin’s voice stopped him in his tracks and he lifted his gaze to meet the boy across from him, the nerves unraveling in his gut as he saw his gentle smile. It was like magic. “I understand what you’re saying, and I agree. I think maybe I might have been a little selfish too, because you’re just so new and exciting and, well, you, but I also don’t want you to feel like I’m using you. It’s true that my life has taken some drastic turns this past month, I mean hell my parents won't even speak to me, and I think it’d be smart if we slowed down. Not stopped, obviously, because I think I’d actually lose it, but just spend more quality time. I have a lot of shit to unpack as well, but I want to work on it and I… want you too, and not because you’re a big fuck you to my old life, but because you’re Jeno.” There was a silence, Jeno unsure what to say and Jaemin unsure if he’d said the right thing. “Oh, and yes.”

“Yes?”

“I would love to go out on another date with you. How’s Wednesday night?” Jeno beamed at that, a light chuckle leaving Jaemin as he took another sip from his coffee, all the tension seeming to melt away as quickly as it came. Somehow Jaemin was better at communicating with Jeno than he was with anyone else he’d ever known, but he figured that was just Jeno’s charm.

“You know you are one of the most mesmerizing creatures I’ve ever met,” Jeno said with a grin that he was sure was gonna start hurting his cheeks. “As for Wednesday, dress in layers, wear sneakers.”

“Sir yes sir.” Jaemin made a saluting motion before taking a few more gulps of his coffee, setting the half empty glass on the counter when he was done. “Now as much as I’d like to stick around I have a prior commitment to a man about gendered toys for children.” Jaemin stood from his chair, picking his backpack up off the floor before stepping around the table to hover above Jeno. “Meet you after?” He asked with a smile, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on his lips, letting it a linger just a little longer than necessary. Jeno hummed against his lips, nodding slowly as he pulled back. Taking it slow was definitely going to be difficult.

“Absolutely.”

But Jaemin was worth it.


	6. Belonging Amongst Angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin finds himself a little family, and a bit more of himself too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // explicit sexual content
> 
> yes this chapter has some smut ! if that makes you uncomfortable you can stop reading at jeno asking "You wanna borrow some sweats?" and I will just see you next chapter! but be warned a large part of jaemin's story is about him finding out about himself, and yes this will include more sexual content. anyways, i hope you guys enjoy and honestly i finished this at 4am so it'll probably be edited a bit tomorrow but i wanted to get it up :) thank you so much to the kind comments i've received and please feel free to leave me more of your thoughts, it'd be really appreciated.

_ SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24TH _

“When were we supposed to meet them?” Chenle asked as he and Jisung sat in a corner booth next to Mark, all three of the boys on their phones and mindlessly scrolling.

“Five minutes ago,” Jisung mumbled in response, his brow scrunched as he focused on a game.

“Gay people, always late,” Chenle quipped, causing Mark to choke on the sip of water he was taking. He wasn’t used to the “kids these days” and their “humor”.

“What about gay people?” Jeno appeared suddenly as he slid in next to Mark, startling him further as he slammed his glass down on the table.

“It’s not polite to make assumptions.” Jaemin slid in easily next to Jeno, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“I heard gay.” An unfamiliar voice jostled Jisung from his phone as he looked up to see a new face and a nostalgic one scooch in next to Chenle.

“Hyuck?” Mark looked on in awe at his old friend, dumbfounded by his older appearance and tanned skin that only seemed to get warmer the longer he stared. “Uh, wow-” Jaemin and Jisung shared a glance, chuckling softly to themselves.

“In the flesh, and this,” he paused, gesturing to the other guy next to him, “is Renjun. Renjun you know Jaemin, but this is Jisung and Mark.”

“And I’m Chenle, because I know Jisung wasn’t going to introduce me.” Chenle set his phone down and reached out to boisterously shake Renjun and Donghyuck’s hands, leaning across Jisung and Mark to shake Jaemin and Jeno’s hands as well. 

“Wow, you’re so well mannered. Why do you hang with Jisung?” Jaemin said with a playful smile, earning him a death glare from Jisung across the table.

“I regret this already,” Jisung grumbled before Chenle reached over to gently brush his hair from his brow, somehow instantly melting his grumpy expression away. Jaemin decided not to comment on it.

“God I’m fucking starving.” The table turned to see Renjun burying himself in a menu, unaware of how loud he had been. He looked up from the menu to see everyones eyes on him and sheepishly slunk further into the booth, causing everyone to share a laugh. “Sorry, I got excited.”

The seven boys seemed to meld together perfectly after that. Inside jokes being shared amongst the intermingling of friends and different stories some would rather have stayed secret were retold, always followed by strings of laughs that earned them stares from the other people in the diner. Jaemin took a moment after they’d all finished eating to look around at the people around him, and in a weird way he felt like  _ something  _ had changed. Obviously he was different, but the circumstances he was in seemed easier to digest, especially in the past month that he’d been with Jeno. Something inside him felt relieved and sad and happy and entirely too overwhelmed. 

“I’ll be right back,” he whispered into Jeno’s ear, slipping out of the booth and slouching his way out of the diner to the cool fall air outside. The only light was a faint glow from the diner sign and the surrounding street lamps, allowing Jaemin to slink down the alley on the side of the building, leaning against the brick wall as he took a few deep breaths. The sudden bittersweetness of the moment hit him full force and he wanted to cry, tears threatening to spill from the corner of his eyes. He felt a bit silly, but over the past month he was so busy working on dealing that he forgot to allow himself to feel anything. When he said he was sick of crying he meant it, but seeing people he cared about and new people he wanted to care about all in one room made him remember the people who used to care about him. Did his parents miss him? Did the people at his church wonder where he went? Was he talked about like some sort of monster? And even if he were, why should he care? He didn’t he supposed, but it didn’t change the fact that this new beginning felt like a final ending of something else. He’d read a lot in the past month about LGBT history, partly for his gender class and partly for his own understanding. A concept he’d read a lot about was found families, and how marginalized groups created support systems outside of their “actual” families who didn’t support them. Had he found that? Was his old family gone for good? He figured he’d be okay either way, and that he had Jeno and that was enough, but it didn’t change that it hurt him. He was hurt, and happy, and everything in between that he didn’t realize he’d been, and it crashed onto him all at once.

“Jaem?” That same familiar voice that he’d grown so accustomed to pulled him from his thoughts, causing him to look up and see Jeno coming down the alley, his hands stuffed into his front pockets. He was wearing a leather jacket, his red hair now a dark blue, and he looked as beautiful as he always did. “Hey- are you okay?” As Jeno got closer he reached his hands out to cup Jaemin’s cheeks, wiping the tears that he hadn’t even noticed had fallen.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Just thinking.” Jaemin sniffed slightly, naturally leaning into Jeno’s touch like he always did, his presence making him feel infinitely better.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jeno gave him a reassuring smile, one that he could get lost in and admittedly served to encourage him enough to continue.

“I just-” Jaemin paused, his hands reaching out to gently grab onto the open pieces of Jeno’s jacket, steadying himself with his solid frame. “I was thinking about my parents, and our friends, and you. I think I just got a bit sad, is all.” He shrugged slightly, watching as Jeno tilted his head in curiosity, a silent reassurance to continue. “I guess I was so wrapped up in feeling better that I forgot to actually…”

“Feel?” He finished for Jaemin, always seeming to be able to see inside his head.

“Yeah, exactly.” A sad laugh crept up on Jaemin, causing him to shake his head at himself. “I am so incredibly happy, but I also know that with things being different now that I am saying goodbye to the old me once and for all. Old Jaemin wasn’t the most interesting character but I think I’ll miss him a bit, besides he’s really the one that did all the heavy lifting here.”

“Heavy lifting?” Jeno’s mouth quirked up in his quiet amusement, unbeknownst to Jaemin he was simply melting at the sight of him, pink cheeks and wet lashes in the faint glow of the city. He was inhuman.

“Yeah, I mean old Jaemin had to deal with the internalized homophobia and admitting that he had a crush on some tattooed guy down the hall who was so far out of his comfort zone. He also had to learn how to kiss and dress himself and deal with a hangover for the first time. New Jaemin just got to go on a million dates with his  _ boyfriend  _ and spend early mornings and late nights in a constant state of joy. It really wasn’t a fair trade off.” Jaemin was grinning now, his cheeks dried and his heart less heavy, but when he looked up at Jeno once again he was met with a look he wasn’t sure how to read. Jeno’s lips were parted slightly, his eyes blown wide as he stared at Jaemin in shock. “What? What’d I say?” Silence. Jeno seemed frozen in place. “Jen-”

Jeno cut him off with a kiss, pulling him closer with his grip on his cheeks, his hands easily trailing down the front of Jaemin’s body to grip onto his waist, pressing him back against the alley wall. Jaemin yelped slightly when his back hit the brick, stunned by the sudden kiss, but melted into it just as easily as his arms found their natural place around Jeno’s neck. Jaemin was still confused, but Jeno couldn’t help himself, his lips moving lovingly against Jaemin’s as if his life depended on it, his brain gone out the window upon hearing the other boy call him his  _ boyfriend.  _ He was his boyfriend.

After letting himself get lost in the taste of mint and iced tea for a few moments, Jaemin threaded his hands in Jeno’s hair, using the grip to gently pull him off, which worked for the most part but earned him a sinful sigh from the other. Jaemin’s throat went dry. “Jeno, what is it?” Jeno chuckled slightly at the question, practically drunk off the joy he was feeling.

“Boyfriend.” Jaemin’s cheeks lit up at the word, his eyes mimicking Jeno’s previous stunned state as he replayed their conversation in his head, his breath hitching when he realized. “You called me your boyfriend.” Jeno resisted against the grip in hair, leaning closer to Jaemin despite the wonderful sting on his scalp to pepper light kisses all along his jaw. He was like a dog who hadn’t seen their owner in years. “And I know you’re going to try and apologize, or tell me that I don’t have to be your boyfriend yet if I don’t want to, but before you even get the chance,” his lips reached the shell of Jaemin’s ear, kissing the pinkened skin before whispering gently. “It’s okay. God, hearing you say that made me feel like I could lift cars with my bare hands.” His nose brushed against Jaemin’s cheek and Jaemin tried to respond but all that came out was sputtering nonsense. All the sudden attention from Jeno had effectively turned his brain to mush and all he could do was nuzzle closer to him in return. 

“You guys decided to dine and dash so you could fornicate in the alley?” Their heads whipped to the side at the sound of the familiar voice, still wrapped up in each other's arms when their eyes landed on Hyuck at the opening of the alley. “Jeno, I requested 22.50 from you on Apple Pay.” Jeno peeled off of Jaemin against his own wishes, straightening out his jacket before sending Hyuck a little salute, signaling for him to go away. He took the hint.

“War flashbacks,” Jaemin said with a laugh, causing Jeno to cringe in on himself.

“Yeah, lets not remember that.” Jeno reached his hand for Jaemin to take, which he did with a light hum, and the pair exited the alley together.

When they were back on the main sidewalk they saw their friends waiting for them, accusing snickers and playful glances cast their way but they chose to ignore them.

“So, back to our place then?” Renjun suggested as he pulled his jacket on, taking all the attention onto him. “Hyuck and I thought it’d be easiest, and it’s closest.”

“Sounds good to me. Everyone got their rides?” Mark asked as he dangled his keys in the air, earning a chorus of yes’s in return before they all parted ways.

Once at the apartment complex the seven boys filed in easily and made themselves comfortable in the living room. The space was much better for the group of boys, and silently Jaemin was thankful they didn’t go to Chenle’s house because he wasn’t quite ready to face those demons.

Renjun and Hyuck brought out piles upon piles of blankets and the boys took various spots on the floor and the large L-shaped couch, cuddling atop each other and stretching out like a litter of kittens in a box. Jeno and Jaemin sat next to each other on one end of the couch, Renjun and Hyuck settled in the middle while Mark sprawled out on the short side of the couch. Jisung and Chenle were content with their nest of blankets on the floor, and everyone seemed cozy enough. Since it was so close to Halloween they opted for watching a horror movie, which everyone but Jisung was excited about.

“C’mon, Sungie, it’s just Paranormal Activity.” Chenle said gently as he wrapped himself in a blanket until all you could see was his head, leaning against Jisung like a sentient burrito. “Besides we watched the newest Michael Myers movie and you handled that just fine.”

“Ghosts and serial killers are two different things,” the taller boy groaned, balling up closer to Chenle as well. 

“It’ll be fine,” Jaemin chuckled from above, leaning over Jeno’s lap to ruffle Jisung’s dark locks- he allowed it.

While the movie started Renjun got up from the couch to make everyone popcorn, and Jaemin offered to help him as he peeled away from Jeno’s death grip, earning him a pout from his cuddly boyfriend. “You’ll live, I promise.” He chuckled to himself as he followed Renjun into the kitchen, grabbing bowls from the cabinets with his general familiarity of where things were as Renjun grabbed a bag of unpopped kernels. Jaemin knew by now that Renjun liked making his own popcorn- he was a funky little dude.

“You didn’t have to help, Jaem.” Renjun said softly as he poured some of the kernels into his little popping machine, Jaemin setting a large bowl underneath where the popped corn would come out. “You can watch the movie.”

“I wanted to help, though. Plus then things will get done faster and we can both enjoy the movie.” Jaemin smiled to himself, handing Renjun another, smaller bowl for the butter to be melted in.

“Well, thank you.” Renjun hesitantly grabbed the bowl, setting it on the counter in front of him before turning to Jaemin again. “And not just for helping with the popcorn, for everything you’ve done, thank you.” Jaemin’s brows furrowed slightly at this, unsure what exactly Renjun meant by  _ everything _ , because a couple bowls wasn’t worth such a formal thanks. Thankfully for him Renjun continued on his own accord, looking past Jaemin into the living room to make sure nobody was paying attention to them. “What you did for Hyuck, giving him that apology really helped him, even if he’d never admit it. And Jeno?” Renjun paused, seeming almost at a loss for words. “He’s never been good with getting close to people. Hell, when Hyuck and I moved in with him the summer before freshman year he didn’t talk to us for a month. I know he puts on this really confident front and that’s probably exactly what drew you to him in the first place, but there's a reason he watched you from afar for weeks until he was drunk enough to approach you. He  _ really  _ likes you, more than I think he likes anyone or has ever liked anyone, and admittedly I warned him about you.” Renjun glanced up to see Jaemin’s reaction to that, but Jaemin really didn’t have one, he simply wanted to hear whatever Renjun had to say. “I was worried about him because he was pursuing you so fast, which he has never done, and I know you had your own shit going on- that’s not the point- anyways, just, thank you. Hyuck and Jeno have been the happiest I’ve ever seen them, and having you around is really nice, and now all of your friends too. We feel complete.” Jaemin eyed him for a moment, trying to formulate his thoughts as best he could without letting his emotions get the best of him (he wanted to, but he knew Renjun wasn’t that kind of person). A soft smile crept its way onto Jaemin’s features and Renjun’s own lips quirked up into a relaxed state, the pair seeming to come to a silent agreement.

“Thank you for telling me that, and I promise I will do everything in my power to do what’s best for him.” Renjun nodded at that, silently turning back to his bowl of popcorn that began to fill up as the kernels heated. The two continued their work in silence, eventually bringing every pair of people their own bowl to share, Renjun taking the biggest bowl to share between him, Mark, and Hyuck.

The boys all watched their movie comfortably, laughs naturally flowing between them when someone would jump a bit too high. Everything felt normal, like a life Jaemin had lived forever and could continue to live for years to come. During a slow part of the movie he took the opportunity to glance around at everyone, similar to how he had before, but instead of sadness he just felt hope. Hope that life could be everything he wanted it to be, and that he could for once have control over the people he let into it. The possibilities floated around in his head and he found himself beginning to plan things. Friendsgiving and secret santas and birthday parties. Everything he’d always wanted to do but now they were with people he knew already  _ knew  _ him. He didn’t have to hide himself in that room, and he could nestle further into Jeno’s side and inhale his warm scent- sea salt and pine- and it was okay.

“You getting sleepy?” Jeno murmured from above him, placing a gentle kiss to the top of his head. “The movie’s almost over then we can go to bed, okay?” Jaemin nodded with a soft hum, not particularly too tired, but definitely relaxed by Jeno’s warmth. He had his arm around Jaemin’s shoulders, and Jaemin’s head rested perfectly in the crook of his neck, sickeningly sweet but they wouldn’t have it any other way.

After the last few jump scares and half eaten bowls of popcorn discarded to the coffee table, the movie had ended. Jaemin glanced below him to see Chenle and Jisung already passed out on the floor, along with Mark and Hyuck who’d fallen asleep on the couch. Jeno grabbed the remote and shut the tv off quietly, not wanting to disturb anyone as he, Jaemin, and Renjun got up carefully to clean up the bowls. Renjun took the bowls from Jeno’s grasp and shooed him away, not wanting any help cleaning up as it’d just make more noise, but Jeno didn’t need much convincing to oblige when he saw Jaemin yawn.

Departing from Renjun with a tired wave, Jaemin and Jeno made their way back to Jeno’s room, not an unfamiliar place for them to end up. After Jaemin got more comfortable around Hyuck and Renjun he liked to hangout at Jeno’s place- it was less lonely.

Jeno shut the door behind them and kept the light off, using the glow from the window as light enough to navigate the room.

“You wanna borrow some sweats?” Jeno asked as he walked over to his dresser, glancing back at Jaemin with an expectant look, being met only with a scrunch of his boyfriends nose.

“You know I always get hot when we wear sweats, you’re like a bear.” Jaemin took a few steps back until he was sitting on the edge of Jeno’s bed, looking up at him with a soft smile in the pale light. “I can just sleep in my t-shirt and briefs.” Jeno nodded at that, consciously turning back around to change and allow Jaemin some privacy to do the same. Ever since they agreed to take things slow they’d never let themselves get too far past making out, maybe leaving a few hickeys here and there, but whenever they slept over at each other's apartments it was innocent, even if the tension was always thick enough to cut through.

“Jen, you don’t have to do that.” Jaemin spoke up quietly, causing Jeno to turn his head once again to see him standing from the bed, slowly walking back up to him as Jeno turned around fully. Once Jaemin was right in front of his boyfriend he reached his arms out to wrap around his neck, smiling at him timidly when he felt Jeno’s hands naturally rest on his waist. 

“I just don’t wanna make you uncomfortable.” Even in the dim light Jaemin could see the stars in Jeno’s eyes, something so vast and infinite that he wanted to drown in. 

“You don’t.” Jaemin leaned closer, feeling the air grow heavy the nearer he got to Jeno’s lips before pressing them together in a gentle kiss. Their bodies seemed to know exactly what to do, Jaemin’s hands finding their way to Jeno’s hair as the other boy's arms wrapped tightly enough around Jaemin to lift him up. Jaemin made a slightly surprised noise into the kiss as Jeno began to step him back to the bed, laying him down on it gently before crawling over his body. Jeno’s legs slotted with Jaemin’s, his arms freeing from around his boyfriend to reach down for the hem of Jaemin’s shirt, pausing with a glance in his direction.

“Okay?” Jaemin nodded quickly, not giving Jeno a second to overthink as he raised his arms for the boy to lift his shirt off of him, tossing it somewhere in the room, forgotten. Once it was gone Jeno tried to lean back down to connect their lips, only to be stopped by a hand on his chest. 

“You too,” Jaemin mumbled as his fingers slipped underneath the dark fabric, letting Jeno lean back slightly before pulling it off as well. Everything was careful, every movement a hesitant question, and Jaemin admittedly found himself getting needier. As soon as Jeno’s shirt was gone he didn’t even take his usual mandated time to graze over every inch of his body with his eyes, his hands reaching up to wrap around Jeno’s neck again before pulling him for another kiss, this one dripping with something  _ more _ .

Jeno reciprocated easily, his right hand position next to Jaemin’s head to hold himself up as his other hand gripped onto his side. He tilted his head the slightest to deepen the kiss, a sigh escaping him suddenly when he felt Jaemin’s hands grip into hair- it seemed to be a fascination for him, like he wanted it to lead somewhere.

“Jaem-“

“I don’t care.” Jeno tried to speak but Jaemin was quick to cut him off, holding him tighter against him with his grip in his hair. Jaemin gave a slightly harder tug to his locks, causing Jeno to suck in a breath before biting down on Jaemin’s bottom lip in retaliation. A soft sound emitted from the back of Jaemin’s throat, only fueling Jeno on more as his tongue darted out to glide against Jaemin’s parted lips, slipping past them to explore the warmth of his mouth. Their nearly silent sounds quickly turned into something communicative, and with every push Jaemin gave Jeno pushed back, seeking out every button he could possibly push with their mouths alone. Their bodies were radiating so much heat it felt like they were splayed in the sun, but then again any moment with Jaemin made Jeno feel warm from the inside out- he was everything, everywhere, consuming Jeno and all of his thoughts. 

“Wait wait wait, Jaemin.” Jeno pulled back again suddenly, earning a quiet whine from Jaemin as he tried (unsuccessfully) to chase after his lips. “Hey, I know, I know,” he mumbled softly, pressing his forehead against Jaemin out of pure need to be close.

“If you know then why’d you stop? I’m okay, I promise, Jeno, I’m okay. Just- don't stop. Please don’t stop.” Jaemin was practically begging- hell, who was he kidding he  _ was  _ begging, but he couldn’t find it in him to be embarrassed when all he wanted to do was kiss him until he couldn’t breath. “I’ll tell you if I don’t like it, please.” Jeno scanned Jaemin’s features, taking in the curve of his lips and the shadow his lashes cast onto his cheeks from the soft light outside. A part of him hesitated, and not because he didn’t want to cross that barrier with Jaemin, but because he’d been holding back for so long that he was unsure what even a further taste would do to him. Jeno indulged in various things from time to time; a few too many drinks to the point of losing time, a meal so filling you think you might burst, a dessert so sweet it’s sure to give you cavities, but among all of that there was nothing he craved more than Jaemin Na- and in essence that was a very dangerous thing.

“Okay. I trust you.” Without another word Jeno leaned back in, his lips going straight for the soft skin of Jaemin’s neck, teeth connecting with flesh in such a way that it was sure to bruise. Jeno began to suck gently on a spot he knew would have Jaemin writhing, and as if the other boy could read his mind he began to squirm beneath him, only causing Jeno to suck  _ harder.  _ A low noise that was surely a moan escaped Jaemin, but Jeno couldn’t even bring himself to think about it as he consumed every inch of skin he could. His lips trailed down to Jaemin’s collarbone, pausing every few inches to suck another mark into the otherwise unscathed skin, earning suppressed whimpers through tight lips. Jaemin was so beautiful, so perfect, and somehow he was his. “Don’t get shy on me now,” Jeno mumbled as his lips trailed down to his boyfriends chest, pausing his actions to glance up at him, a new fire burning behind his eyes that Jamin had never seen before. “Let me hear you, baby.” Once he earned a quick nod from Jaemin he reconnected his lips to his chest, allowing his warm breath to ghost over his nipples, which erupted a sudden whine from him (something to definitely be explored later). Jeno continued down the expanse of Jaemin’s body before finding himself at his hips, sucking at the soft skin on the inner side of his hip bones, causing his lower body to raise slightly on instinct. 

“Jeno,” Jaemin said suddenly, causing said boy to freeze as he looked up from his place at Jaemin’s belt buckle.

“You wanna stop?” His demeanor was suddenly gentle, slowly moving to raise himself up when he was quickly stopped by hands on his shoulders.

“No! No, god no. Just, take them off, please.” Jaemin let his head fall back into the pillows upon seeing Jeno slowly lower himself back down, his chest rising and falling unevenly in anticipation as Jeno’s fingers began to expertly undo his belt. In one swift pull the belt was gone, discarded onto the floor before skilled fingers undid his button and zipper, immediately hooking into the fabric to pull them down his legs. Jaemin raised his hips to help, dropping them back down as Jeno pulled them the rest of the way off, dropping them with the belt. Jeno then lifted himself onto his knees, undoing his own jeans before stepping off the bed to slip them off, knowing that was probably the next step Jaemin would want anyways- and if he stood up tall after slipping them off to purposely watch Jaemin’s eyes bore into every shape of his muscles, well, that was his business.

As he crawled back onto the bed he resumed a similar position to what they started with, but this time obviously less fabric between them, which was impossible to ignore. Jeno’s left hand rested on the lower part of Jaemin’s ribs, slowly trailing down his body before lightly rubbing the top of his thigh, watching curiously at the way his lips parted in a sudden intake of breath. A smirk found its way to the corners of his mouth as Jaemin’s hands came up and gripped onto his shoulders, steadying himself as he was suddenly unable to keep still due to the friction so close to his obviously hardened bulge.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous.” Jeno’s voice was low, weighted with desire and the euphoria of being so close to Jaemin after their agreement those few weeks ago. He had no issue with waiting with Jaemin, and admittedly the waiting was mostly  _ Jeno’s  _ idea, but the prospect of doing the things to Jaemin that kept him up at night was dizzying to say the least. “To think, if Renjun hadn’t asked you to come to our party that night I probably never would’ve had the courage to talk to you.” His hand gave a particularly hard squeeze to Jaemin’s inner thigh, earning a groan from the brown haired boy as his fingertips dug deeper into Jeno’s shoulders, almost unable to keep his eyes open from needing Jeno to do  _ something.  _ “So pretty,” he mumbled softly, leaning in closer to brush his lips against the shell of Jaemin’s ear. “I’m gonna touch you now, is that okay?” Shamelessly Jaemin nodded furiously, his voice lost somewhere in his throat as he used every last bit of will inside of him to keep from grinding up into Jeno’s hand, needing some sort of release from the incessantly building pressure in his gut. “Words, baby.” Of course.

“Jen- Jeno, please touch me. Please.” Jaemin was able to stutter out, his brain embarrassingly fuzzy from the light touches to his thighs, but who could blame him? He thought. Jeno’s hands were so big and he was so warm and his cock was hardening by the second imagining those hands and hungry lips touch where nobody had ever touched before. Jaemin was raised with the mentality that your body was sacred, that it belonged to God and was for his bidding, but laying there beneath Jeno and completely at his mercy- covered in the purpling evidence of his presence- Jaemin knew his body belonged to  _ him _ , and that was his choice _.  _

“Tell me if you need me to stop at any point.” Jeno placed a few more lingering kisses to Jaemin’s jaw before allowing his hand to palm his boyfriends hardening cock over his briefs suddenly, Jaemin’s body immediately reacting as his hips raised from the bed, both searching for and retreating from the feeling, a soft moan escaping the back of his throat. It was nothing, just a few pressured touches as he stroked him slightly through the fabric, but to Jaemin it was everything. Years of only ever knowing what his own hand felt like made every slight movement or change of direction mind numbing enough to have him incoherent, but he wanted more.

“Jeno, get them-” Jeno squeezed suddenly, cutting Jaemin off with a soft groan. “Off. Now. Take them off.” He used the last bit of his sanity to push Jeno off of him, watching as his perfect, impossibly gorgeous boyfriend did exactly as he asked like always. Jeno straightened up on his knees before hooking his fingers into the waistband of Jaemin’s briefs, looking up at him for any hesitation as he began to pull them down, Jaemin whimpering slightly in the back of his throat at the welcomed friction as his half-hard length was suddenly exposed to the open air. Jeno discarded the fabric mindlessly, eyes taking the time to consume every inch of him with his gaze. Jaemin’s hair was slightly mussed from squirming against the pillows, the marks Jeno had made were darkening with each passing second and  _ god,  _ Jeno was sure he’d never seen such a perfect dick in his life. It was almost cruel.

“You know,” Jeno started softly, leaning down to become eye level with Jaemin’s hips, his hands reaching up to run down the expanse of his chest before splaying against his stomach. “I’m letting it slide cause I know this is all very new, but one of these days we’re  _ really  _ going to have to teach you some manners.” Jeno’s words sent shivers down Jaemin’s spine, practically making him forget where he was at the thought of what exactly Jeno had meant by that. His boyfriend’s tendencies didn’t go unnoticed whenever their makeout sessions would get a little overly heated. Jeno would pin Jaemin against doorways and praise him when he’d whimper at his kisses on his neck. Jaemin knew there was something in Jeno that he kept buried, and he couldn’t wait to figure out what it was. Maybe he could encourage it now?

“I’d like that too. Wanna-” Jaemin couldn’t get another word out, cut off by his own gasp for breath as Jeno’s hand gripped onto his cock, a warm wetness swirling around the tip before sucking in a way that his head craned back into the pillows. “Fuck, Jeno.” Jaemin’s hands gripped into the sheets beside him, eyes fluttering shut as he felt that same warmth begin to envelop the rest of his length, slick and seemingly never ending. “Oh my god.” Jaemin felt his tip hit the back of what he assumed was Jeno’s throat, which seemed impossible as he didn’t hear any sign of choking. He forced his eyes open as he tilted his head slightly to watch, which may have been a mistake as what he saw was addictingly sinful. Jeno’s pupils were blown wide but his eyelids were droopy in lust, and Jaemin couldn’t look away as he watched Jeno slowly pull back, releasing Jaemin from his mouth as his hand began to stroke him slowly with the wetness he’d provided.

“Wanna what?” Jeno asked curiously as he continued his ministrations, wrist twisting the slightest bit when he’d reach the base of Jaemin’s cock, causing the boy to jolt slightly from the added pleasure it brought him. Jaemin was quickly losing himself to Jeno again, head rolling back with a soft moan when the boy’s thumb brushed over his slit. “You said you wanna do something, what is it?” Jeno knew Jaemin was basically gone, his hand beginning to pick up it’s pace slightly, but teasing him was addictive.

“I wanna be,” another moan, Jaemin’s hips rising off the bed as Jeno took him into his mouth once more, this time bobbing his head slowly the way he pumped his hand. Jaemin thought somewhere in the back of his head that he liked his mouth much better. “I wanna, manners, want them. Wanna be good.” Jeno slowed slightly at that, causing a soft groan to emit from Jaemin’s throat as his hands found their rightful place in Jeno’s dark blue hair. After taking several moments to process the words Jeno was almost positive he’d never taught Jaemin, he allowed them to settle deep in the pit of his stomach and go straight to his own hardened length, straining against the fabric of his briefs as he continued bobbing his head at a faster speed. “Fuck, yes. Please, Jeno, please please please.” Incoherent babbling began to tumble past Jaemin’s lips as his fingers tugged slightly at Jeno’s hair, unable to contain himself as the slick heat of his mouth became dizzying. He had no idea his body could even feel these things, and he was sure he’d never be satisfied with jerking off again, not when Jeno seemed to be made for him. With each bob of his head Jeno seemed to take in more of Jaemin’s cock, one particularly hard push of his head had his nose touching Jaemin’s stomach, causing him to swallow around his tip that was so far down his throat Jaemin was seeing stars. Practically gasping for breath Jaemin squirmed incessantly beneath him, making Jeno grip onto his thighs tightly, keeping him steady as his he continued fucking onto Jaemin with his mouth. The knot in Jaemin’s lower stomach began to tighten, begging for release as broken and breathy moans poured out of him relentlessly. He was gone to the world, nothing but Jeno and the euphoric warmth in his body kept him on earth as he tossed his head back, his body tensing suddenly. “Gonna cum, fuck, Jeno.” His eyes squeezed shut and with a few more bobs of his head he was cumming, body shuddering from the force as Jeno continued sucking him through his orgasm, milking him for all he had in him. Jaemin was sure he blacked out, his whole body writhing uncontrollably through his high before his arms fell dead at his side, Jeno slowly slipping off his length before swallowing every last drop he’d given him (it was good, but maybe he was just biased).

Jeno slowly crawled back up to be face to face with Jaemin, kissing his forehead and his cheeks and any other space he could attach his lips. The hand that wasn’t holding him up rubbed soothingly against his side, his nose nuzzling Jaemin’s cheek with a slight grin plastered to his lips. “Did that feel good, baby?” His voice was, admittedly, a little wrecked, even if Jaemin hadn’t been forcing him at all he knew he was pushing himself- because he wanted to give Jaemin everything. “You with me?” He asked again upon not getting a response, Jaemin still lolling around slightly as his arms weakly came up to wrap around Jeno’s neck, pulling him in for a soft kiss that allowed him to taste himself on his boyfriend's tongue. It wasn’t awful, and as he melted into Jeno’s comforting presence around him his mind unwarrantedly wandered to what Jeno would taste like.

Jaemin pulled back slightly, easing his grip on Jeno’s neck as he looked up at him in a slight daze. “Wow.” Was all he seemed to get out at first, earning a warm chuckle from Jeno. “I think you got yourself into trouble.” Jeno’s brow quirked up slightly at that, looking down at Jaemin with his sparkling brown eyes. 

“How so?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of that.” Quiet chuckles erupted from the pair as Jeno leaned down again to gently bite at the shell of his ear, causing Jaemin to shift beneath him and accidentally press his thigh into Jeno’s painfully hard bulge, still trapped inside his briefs. The sudden pressure caused a low moan to rip from Jeno’s throat, making him tense slightly above Jaemin. “Sorry,” Jaemin peeped out, unsure what to do when he heard Jeno begin to breathe slowly through his nose, as if trying to calm himself. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” his voice was strained, and not just from the throat fucking. “It’ll go away.” Jaemin’s eyes opened wide in shock as he realized what he meant by that, and a new burst of adrenaline and something he was sure he could simply call horniness buzzed beneath his skin.

“Can I help?” He asked quietly, his hands trailing down the front of Jeno’s body above him before resting on his hips.

“You don’t have to, Jaem, it’s okay.”

“But I want to.” Jeno looked down at Jaemin at his words, eyes obviously still dripping with hunger despite his attempts to appear unbothered. Jaemin took his own moment to admire him, pink, swollen lips and hair all askew from his hands in it. Every ridge of muscles on Jeno’s body casted their own little shadow from the soft light, and Jaemin thought that if heaven was at all real that Jeno belonged there. “Teach me, please?” Jeno swallowed thickly, his resolve breaking down almost effortlessly as he nodded, his desire slipping past every crack in his defences.

“Okay, sit up for me baby,” Jeno said as he pushed himself back onto his knees, reaching a hand down to help Jaemin into a sitting position. Jeno crawled around him and sat up against the headboard, using his hold in Jaemin’s hand to guide him to sit between his legs. “You wanna take them off or do you want me to?”

“Can I?” Jaemin didn’t waste a breath, causing Jeno to chuckle slightly as he nodded his approval.

Jaemin tried to think back to when Jeno had started with him, which simultaneously felt fresh on his skin and impossibly far away. He shuffled down the bed slightly, unsure fingers gripping into the waist of Jeno’s briefs before tugging on them slightly, Jeno raising his hips to make it easier before suddenly Jaemin was pulling them all the way off, discarding them somewhere off the bed. Caught up in his little victory he’d forgotten to process that Jeno was now completely naked in front of him, and when he did finally catch up his throat practically went dry at the sight. The large tattoo of a phoenix tangling around his hip and down his thigh like vines.  _ Holy shit,  _ he thought to himself, was that supposed to go…

“You okay?” Jeno asked gently, pulling Jaemin’s probably impolite gaze from his own hardening problem, an angry red and thick, a bead of something almost clear dripping from the tip. It looked a little painful.

“Yeah, yes, it just,” Jaemin shook his head slightly, his hands naturally positioning themselves on Jeno’s thighs. “Can I?”

“You don’t have to ask, baby. I’m yours.” The sentiment probably shouldn’t have felt as sentimental as it did, but Jaemin couldn’t help the swell of emotions that pulsed through him at that simple statement, fueling him on more as he leaned down again. He slid a hand up Jeno’s thigh, watching as the muscles on his stomach flexed with the small movement, but Jeno remained quiet. Not wanting to do anything wrong, Jaemin glanced up at Jeno again for some reassurance, unsure if he was in any way equipped to make Jeno feel how he had made him feel.

“You want some help?” The question was genuine, and Jamin felt relief flood him that he was dating someone like Jeno, who even in his  _ compromised  _ state was so willing to be gentle.

“Please,” Jaemin mumbled softly, looking down to see Jeno place his hand over his own, guiding it to his hardened cock before helping Jaemin wrap his fingers around it, a sound escaping from somewhere deep in his chest at the simple touch before he composed himself once again.

“Now, you’ll need it to get it wet or it’ll hurt. If you don’t wanna use your mouth I have lube.” The last word caused a heated blush to rise to the surface of Jaemin’s cheeks, which seemed silly considering he was holding Jeno’s extremely hard dick in his hand, but he was only human.

“I wanna use my mouth.” The words came out before he could even register them, his body naturally finding a comfortable position before leaning down again, his hand still gripping onto the base of Jeno’s cock before poking his tongue out to lick at the clear beads of liquid that were dripping from his slit. The sensation caused a soft sigh to emit from Jeno’s lips, and Jaemin wasn’t sure if it was that sound or the  _ taste _ , but something overcame him and suddenly he was wetting his lips, wrapping his lips slightly over his teeth as he saw Jeno do to him before sinking down onto the tip. Jeno’s hands flew to the sheets, gripping tightly from finally having some relief.

“Yes, just like that, babe.” His encouraging words settled in a place Jaemin didn’t know he had, wrapping tightly into the warmest parts of him before he began to swirl his tongue around the head, his mouth beginning to sink lower. “Careful, you don’t have to take it all. Just spit if you need to.” Jeno’s words were surprisingly calm, only interrupted by his slightly laboured breathing, which brought Jaemin some comfort as he continued to sink in as far as he could, tongue flattening against the underside instinctually. A sudden shiver passed through Jeno’s body at the small action and his head flew back, resting against the headboard as another content sigh escaped his lips. “Fuck- Jaemin.” One of the hands that had been gripping the sheets flew up to grip into his soft brown hair, definitely not tugging as hard as Jaemin was, but fidgeting with the locks with restlessness. Jaemin wanted to sink down further, but knew if he did he’d choke, so he opted for slowly pulling off before letting the spit he’d gathered in his mouth to drip past his lips as Jeno had said he could do, watching as it dripped down his length and glistened over the prominent vein. “Shit, that’s so fucking hot.” Jeno was obviously losing a bit of his composure, the tension in his body needing released sooner rather than later.

“Am I doing okay?” Jaemin asked timidly, his hand beginning to drag the spit he’d supplied up and down Jeno’s length, watching in awe as Jeno’s lips parted in pleasure.

“Yes, baby, so good. So good.” Jeno’s eyes had slipped shut, his hand still resting in Jaemin’s hair as he sunk down once again, taking him in as far as he could go before beginning to bob his head slowly, using his hand to pump the rest of Jeno’s length in time with his mouth. He wasn’t positive if he was doing it right, but any nervousness he’d had about it melted away upon hearing Jeno’s dam break, breathy moans shamelessly spilling out of him in a way Jaemin had never heard before, and it was suddenly his new favorite song.

Fueled by Jeno’s reactions he kept a steady pace, his free hand planted on Jeno’s thigh for support as he felt a new ache form in his jaw, but something about it was less pain and more satisfaction that he was making Jeno feel good. He experimentally used the slack state of his jaw to his advantage as he pushed further down than he had before, the tip of Jeno’s cock hitting the back of his throat and causing him to choke slightly. Tears welled in the corner of his eyes and Jeno immediately gripped his hair slightly, trying to ease him off but was met with resistance. Jaemin simply hummed in response to the slight pull Jeno was supplying, his own eyes fluttering shut as he continued to bob his head, determined to finish Jeno just like that.

“Does my baby like that?” Jeno’s tone was a bit teasing, but it was lost amongst his laboured breathing as Jaemin sunk down again, choking a bit once again but continuing regardless, as if it answered his question. “Shit how are you so good at this?” Jeno’s head fell back again, the pleasure tingling across his skin and settling right where he needed it. With every movement Jaemin made he felt himself getting closer, and honestly the sight alone was enough to drive him insane. Jaemin had flushed cheeks and teary eyes and his lips were stretched thin around Jeno’s size. He looked like he belonged there, and it took everything in him not to fuck up into his pretty mouth- next time. “Flick your wrist a bit harder going down, baby. I’m close. So close.” Jaemin did as he was told with another soft hum, squeezing slightly at the base as he flicked his wrist going down, causing a broken moan to emit from Jeno’s chest, deep and desperate, and Jaemin thought if he knew how he’d make himself cum again then and there, but his focus was all on Jeno. He could feel the way his body began to tremble, Jaemin practically moaning at the grip tightening in his hair, and he assumed that he was close. “Gonna cum, baby, You’re so good, such a good boy for me, yeah?” The words spilling from Jeno’s mouth were definitely from his lack of filter, but they were exactly what Jaemin wanted to hear, which he had no idea about either, but the words filled that same warm spot inside him and he relaxed his jaw once more, taking Jeno as deep as he could, focusing on breathing through his nose as he swallowed against Jeno’s tip when he felt his legs seize up beneath him. “Fuck, fuck, Jaemin, you don’t have to- to swallow-” he was cut off by his own euphoria, his orgasm ripping through him like a wave as his hand gripped for dear life in Jaemin’s hair, causing a sweet sting he wanted more of as he felt hot cum released into the back of his throat. Startled slightly by the sensation Jaemin pulled back a bit, keeping Jeno’s tip in his mouth as he rode out his high. When Jeno’s body finally went lax, Jaemin removed his lips with a quiet pop, wiping the corner of his mouth before sitting back on his calves. “Baby, you can spit it out, it’s okay,” Jeno was somehow already worried despite his fucked out state, but was immediately shut up upon seeing Jaemin open his mouth, tongue sticking out slightly to show that there was nothing there.

“I didn’t mind.” Jaemin grimaced slightly at the state of his own voice, but felt a sense of pride in the fact that he’d made Jeno feel good. 

“Jesus,” Jeno groaned slightly, hands reaching out to grip Jaemin’s cheeks before bringing him into a kiss, lazily moving his lips against him as he let his tongue slip inside, allowing their tastes to mix into something Jaemin wanted to drown in. When Jeno pulled back he looked at Jaemin with glassy eyes, obviously exhausted but unable to hide the adoration he had in them. “Here,” he said before reaching onto his nightstand for his water bottle he had there, opening it and holding it up to Jaemin’s lips. “Drink, then we can lay down, okay?” Jaemin simply nodded before allowing Jeno to ease the bottle against his lips, taking short sips before gently pushing it away.

“Thank you,” he said with a blushed smile, crawling over to the side of Jeno as he waited for the other to lay down. Once they’d both nestled beneath the covers, Jaemin draped himself over Jeno, his head nestled perfectly on his shoulder with Jeno’s arm wrapped around him. He wasn’t sure what the feeling was that was coursing through his veins but he was sure he could probably survive off of it for days. From now on if he were ever asked what he would want with him on a deserted island he’d simply say Jeno, because at least if he were going to die it’d be like this.

“You alright?” Jeno asked softly, his hand mindlessly playing with Jaemin’s hair.

“Yes, I don’t think I could feel any better.” Jaemin chuckled quietly, his eyes fluttering shut as he felt the rhythmic beating of Jeno’s heart beneath him, the solid and comforting warmth he’d become so familiar with still finding a way to make him feel like was on cloud 9.

“Ah, trust me, I can make you feel much,  _ much  _ better than this.” The comment was playful, but brought the same blush to Jaemin’s cheeks as he was left once again to ponder what that meant, though he was sure if he just asked Jeno he’d tell him, but that would have to wait for another day. Jaemin could barely keep his brain tethered to reality, the hand in his hair slowing as he felt Jeno’s breathing begin to even out, lulling him to sleep as his exhaustion caught up to him. Everything about that day was perfect, he thought absentmindedly as his mind drifted further away from consciousness, and for once in his 19 years of life Jaemin went to sleep feeling like he owned himself entirely, and he was perfectly okay with allowing Jeno to have a piece of him too.


	7. Of Monsters and Mothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Nothing mattered, but Jeno did."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild cw !! there is a slight mention of abuse? nothing graphic, and jaemin's experiences are largely based off my own and i didn't consider them to be too serious so if anyone would like to suggest a proper cw tag please let me know!
> 
> this did take me nearly two months to write, but i have the next chapter entirely planned and already halfway done and the semester ends soon so HOPEFULLY jaemin's story will be ending soon as well <3 thank you so much to everyone who's reading and to everyone new, hello!

There were many moments in his life that Jaemin knew he was different. Different at least in the sense that he wasn’t like the people around him, which for a kid was many levels of excruciating. In elementary school he never found that he had crushes on people, which was disappointing for a little boy when all his friends were obsessed with the prettiest girl in class. In middle school he never had a first kiss or a first girlfriend, even after the horribly embarrassing sex ed class where he learned that, quite literally, he was supposed to (to their standards, mind you). Then in high school he never lost time thinking about sex or tits or whatever it was the typical alpha male was supposed to think about. This on one hand made him the perfect Christian, devout to purity and the lord when in reality he was just… confused. On the other hand, he wasn’t a “normal guy” to all of his peers, and was ridiculed for as much. How strenuous on a person. He was brainwashed from the second he left the womb that the only way to be normal was to be so stuck in being everything  _ male  _ that you were never anything else, while also being told that the things “wrong” with him just made him right with God. He was constantly being picked away at and pulled apart by every influence in his life until he lost anything singular about himself- until he met Donghyuck, and later, Jeno. 19 years of torment that lead to something good, which was a win in the end he supposed, but he wished so desperately that he could tell his younger self that it was okay. He wasn’t weird, God didn’t hate him, love was real and it was good and he didn’t need to worry, but feeling those things in himself was enough. He was enough.

_ Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. _

The buzzing of a phone on the bedside table pulled Jaemin from the comfort of sleep, eyes still clamped shut as he mindlessly reached over Jeno next to him to grab it, earning a soft groan from the boy beneath him. Eventually his fingertips messily clamped around the phone, tapping to accept before holding it up to his ear.

“Hello?” He answered groggily, feeling a warm hand snake around his waist that pulled him back down to a lying position, Jeno sleepily nuzzling into his neck. It was impossibly sweet, and amongst his tiredness a grin formed effortlessly on Jaemin’s features. 

“ _ Jaemin? _ ” The voice on the other end finally responded, causing Jaemin to freeze. “ _ Are you there? _ ”

“Uh- no, I mean, yes. I’m here.” Jeno immediately caught onto the tone of his boyfriend's voice, pulling back from his neck to look over at him with slight concern. “Hi, mom.” Jeno’s eyes widened, causing him to back up the rest of the way and hold himself up on his forearm, looking at Jaemin next to him as he hoisted himself into a sitting position against the headboard.

“ _ Hi, sweetie. Sorry to call so early on a Sunday, I know you like to rest after chur-” _

__ “What do you want?” Jaemin cut her off, really not in the mood to hear whatever she had to say, and who could blame him? He looked down at Jeno again and rolled his eyes slightly, trying to hide the fact that tears were threatening to well in them simply at the sound of her voice. Jeno noticed though, he always did, and he reached a hand out to rest over the one sitting in Jaemin’s lap. Jaemin took it willingly, intertwining their fingers.

“ _ Well I was just calling to see if we could talk. In person. _ ”

Silence.

Jaemin looked down at Jeno again, a desperation sitting behind his eyes as if to ask Jeno what to do, but obviously he knew the answer had to be his own. Jaemin knew eventually he’d have to face his parents again, but honestly he’d already come to terms with the fact that the facing in question would’ve probably been on their deathbeds- as awful as that sounds.

“ _ Jaemin? _ ”

Jaemin swallowed thickly in his throat, taking a slow breath to ponder if he should just hang up, but he was braver than that. “Uh- when?” He finally said.

“ _ How about next Saturday? _ ” Saturday, that was Halloween. Jaemin already had plans with his friends, but he figured he could still do those if he went to an early dinner, plus that gave him an entire morning to leave the country if necessary. Maybe he and Jeno could find a nice chalet in the Swiss alps, or a studio in Seoul, Jeno did always want to go back there, or maybe-

“Babe, I’ll go with you, okay?” Jeno’s soft voice pulled him from his almost-spiral, causing him to look down with a half pained, half grateful expression, responding to him with a simple nod.

“Okay, Saturday, but it’ll have to be early because I’m meeting Mark and Jisung that night.”

“ _ Okay, swee-” _

__ “Bye, mom.” Not letting her get another word in he hung up, throwing his phone off the bed and somewhere onto the floor to be forgotten, and God did Jaemin want to forget. All the memories of the good and the bad and the seemingly impossible came flooding back to him all at once, the tears that were threatening to escape suddenly fell freely. He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, trying to stop them from coming so quickly, but Jeno was there to guide him back down, pulling him against his chest.

“Just cry, Jaem. It’s okay. I’m here.” Jeno smoothed down the top of Jaemin’s hair, holding him so tightly it was almost as if he was trying to meld them into one. Jaemin’s fingertips gripped into his bare back, probably hard enough to bruise as he sobbed, the reality of his life seeming altogether too much. 

They stayed like that for a good bit of the morning, and Jeno just let him cry, kissing his tear stained cheeks and humming into his hair, and Jaemin began to feel broken parts of himself he’d taped together begin to open again. It was exhausting and he knew it was going to be, but there were times he was just tired. Everything was so much in so little time and it was only easier for a few of those days. As he slowly came back to the world, Jaemin found himself once again incredibly thankful for Jeno, who he knew would be enough to help him through it all in the end, and if he was lucky, maybe even forever.

“Hey, Jaem, you with me?” Jeno pulled back slightly, his tight hold long since relaxed into a gentle cradle of sorts. Jaemin sniffed in response, nodding slowly as he pulled his sticky cheeks from the confines of Jeno’s warm chest.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked out, leaning into Jeno’s hand now resting on his cheek. Jaemin looked up at his boyfriend with his eyelashes stuck together, eyes still glassy from tears, and Jeno couldn’t help but think he looked like a painting. 

“Don’t be sorry, please. You have every right to feel the way you feel.” Jeno smiled reassuringly at him, leaning down to place a gentle kiss to Jaemin’s chapped lips, holding him as if he could break at any moment. The kiss was a promise of sorts, an affirmation that what Jeno said was true, and when he slowly pulled away Jaemin felt he could trust him. “Do you want a shower? Then maybe some food?”

“Mm,” Jaemin hummed, nodding again before looking up at Jeno with a slight plea in his eyes. “By a shower you mean together, right? Please?” He was sure he couldn’t have sounded any more pathetic, but the way Jeno’s eyes lit up at his request was reward enough to wipe any embarrassment from his mind. 

“That is exactly what I was hoping for, yes.” Jeno pecked Jaemin’s lips one last time before standing from the bed, grabbing a pair of shorts from his drawers and handing a pair to Jaemin. “But we don’t want to startle the children in the living room.”

“Ah, right.” Jaemin chuckled at that, a bit hoarse from his crying but soothing nonetheless. It was the little things between him and Jeno that made him feel more human. “Thanks,” he murmured as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, pulling the shorts on before standing up and pulling them to his hips. “Although I think we still might scare them looking like this.” Jaemin was looking past Jeno to his mirror on the opposite wall, causing Jeno to turn and see both of their bruised necks and chests in the reflection. Some were leftover from recent makeouts and practically faded, others were fresh and still stung if Jaemin turned the right way.

“Mm, but you look so fucking pretty like that,” Jeno practically groaned as he turned to pull Jaemin closer by his waist, placing feather-like kisses to the purpled skin that instantly made Jaemin’s eyes flutter shut. 

“Jen-” Jaemin started, his hands immediately finding their place on Jeno’s shoulders, holding onto him for dear life as he felt his boyfriend's tongue lick a wet strip up the side of his neck. It was hot and surprising and  _ god  _ Jaemin loved it. This side of Jeno was never foreign but had always been restrained, and as Jaemin remembered the words exchanged between them the night before his breath hitched, not going unnoticed by Jeno.

“What is it baby?” His voice was so soft and gravely from sleep it sent a shiver down Jaemin’s spine, and he couldn’t believe he’d been crying ten minutes before because  _ wow  _ now his head was spinning (Jeno secretly was very turned on by the glassy look in his eyes, but that was a conversation for another time). “Talk to me.” A whine caught in Jaemin’s throat as Jeno nipped at a particularly sensitive bruise on his neck, causing his fingertips to press deeper into his warm skin.

“Jeno, if we don’t get in the shower now we might never leave this room.” Jaemin was surprised by the urgency in his own voice, but he was turning further into jelly with each passing second and he knew one carefully crafted comment from Jeno would have him on his knees- literally and figuratively. He couldn’t believe he was even thinking that, but hey, character development.

“Okay, okay, I suppose showering is a little more important.” Jeno pulled back from Jaemin’s neck with an amused hum, placing a gentle kiss to his jaw in his wake. “But only a little.” Jaemin let out a laugh at that, shoving Jeno’s chest playfully but in a genuine effort to just get him away because the closer he was to him the harder it was to form any coherent thought.

The pair made it to the bathroom unscathed, barely missing a sleepy Jisung on their way out of the room but were able to hide away behind the closed door with zero casualties. Once inside Jeno was insistent on helping Jaemin out of the shorts he’d just put on, falling to his knees and kissing his hip bone as he helped Jaemin step out of them. Overkill, obviously, but Jaemin would be lying if he said he didn’t love it.

The water was warm when they stepped in and Jaemin felt any previous tenseness he’d been holding onto melt away down the drain. Jeno held him close as they stood under the water, Jaemin’s back pressed against his chest as Jeno buried his face in the crook of his neck. He had never felt more safe and warm and secure in his life, and he swore if he closed his eyes long enough it felt like he were floating. Nobody had ever treated him so delicately before, as if he were some precious jewel, and though he didn’t feel like he deserved it he let Jeno rub his scalp with the shampoo and massage his shoulders with the body wash and kiss him every time his eyes were closed. As the droplets ran down his back and over his lashes and in the divots of his chest he felt like he was being dipped in holy water all over again, but instead of washing away sin he was washing away the guilt. With each caress of Jeno’s hands a new sense of clean washed over him, like maybe he was finally allowed to explore the deepest parts of himself without fear of the eternal consequences. Life was so complicated and God never answered when he called, but there in that shower, wrapped up in Jeno’s strong arms while the stream washed away the dried tears on his cheeks, he felt saved.

After Jaemin watched in awe as Jeno cleaned his own body, the pair got out of the shower together, Jeno immediately wrapping a soft towel around Jaemin’s shoulders and ruffling his hair with it.

“There,” he said with a grin, “feel better?”

“Much,” Jaemin replied with a soft hum as he leaned in to kiss Jeno for what he was sure was the 80 millionth time that morning, but he knew he’d never get enough. He was proven right when it took them both about 15 minutes to dry off and change into clean clothes, but any time spent attached to Jeno’s lips was never time wasted.

The pair emerged from Jeno’s bedroom with damp hair and dressed comfortably in Jeno’s sweats and t-shirts - black and dark gray, obviously, and Jaemin felt like he could pass out from being so wonderfully enveloped in Jeno’s scent. The mix of Jeno’s cologne and his laundry detergent and just  _ him  _ that clung to everything he owned was like a drug to Jaemin, but he supposed he was okay with being the kind of boyfriend that stole his partners clothes.

“They’re alive.” Jaemin turned to the sound of the voice, seeing Mark sitting on the couch with his feet up underneath him, holding a bowl of cereal in his hands. He continued to look around the room and saw Chenle and Jisung sat at the counter, plates full of bacon and what looked to be eggo waffles. Renjun was leaning against the sink, enraptured in something on his phone, and Jaemin could faintly hear Hyuck in the shower behind him.

“Barely.” Jeno uttered back with a slightly dry chuckle that dripped with something passive. “Anyways, good morning.” The biting tone was gone as soon as it’d came, and Jaemin wondered if the phone call from his mother put Jeno in a bad mood too.

“Yeah, good morning indeed.” Jaemin looked over to see Chenle eyeing him suggestively, eyes flicking from his neck to his face and upon realizing  _ why  _ an embarrassing blush crept onto his cheeks while he adjusted the collar of his shirt.

“Gross, don’t bring that up, Lele. Not in front of my breakfast.” Jisung scrunched his nose in disgust, taking a rather aggressive bite from his piece of bacon. Chenle simply laughed at him, his high pitched laugh that made everyone else in the room smile in response. 

“Wanna hear something even worse?” Jaemin raised his eyebrows slightly, watching as Jisung shook his head furiously.

“No, no thank you, I’m g-“

“My mom called.” Jisung went quiet. The whole room went a little quiet, everyone knowing full well that Jaemin wasn’t speaking to his parents because of obvious homophobic reasons.

“What’d she say?” Mark called from behind Jaemin, causing him to turn again as he felt Jeno’s body wrap around the back of him again, his chin resting on his shoulder. There was something comforting about it, possessive but in a way that a bear protects her cubs. Jaemin decided he liked it, resting his hands on Jeno’s forearms around his stomach. 

“She wants me to come over on Saturday, and since we were already going to be in town for your party I agreed.” Jaemin shrugged slightly, a bit numb to the situation due to his massive amounts of crying only minutes before, but everyone around him seemed rather shocked. “Jeno’s coming with me.”

“What?” Mark nearly spit up his cereal, opting for setting his bowl on the coffee table. “You’re bringing- and I mean this in the nicest way possible- your mother's  _ worst  _ nightmare to dinner?” Jaemin couldn’t help but to let out a laugh at that, because though he was right, he couldn’t bring himself to find a reason not to.

“If she can’t accept me with Jeno then she can’t accept me at all, you know that. If she really cares about me,  _ really  _ loves me as her son, she’ll use that good little catholic heart of hers and suck it up.” Jaemin felt the slight smile tugging at the corner of his lips, because he meant what he said and it felt good to mean it. Obviously he was worried his parents might not accept him, but he’d already dealt with that reality and he’d move on. 

“And your dad?” At some point Hyuck must have left his shower, Jaemin turning his head to see him standing at the entrance of the hallway with a towel around his shoulders, hair damp. “I remember how he treated you. How do you think he’ll react to all of this?” Jaemin’s shoulders fell slightly at his words, because as much as he’d have liked to believe that whatever his mom wanted his dad would go along with there was still the reality that Jaemin’s dad was the one who always told him to “Man up! you don’t want people to get the wrong idea. You’re going to ruin your life with these phases. Confessional or no prom. Is this God’s will?” The crack of belts and meter sticks until he was old enough to be grounded. Bullshit, he realized looking back.

“What?” Jeno was the one to answer before Jaemin could, his grip tightening around Jaemin’s waist to the point of there being no space between them. “How did he treat you?” Jaemin didn’t respond right away, causing Jeno to look to Mark who just looked down at his feet, avoidant. Jeno resorted to turning his head slightly to look at Jisung and sure enough, he was pretending like his remaining eggo bites were the most confusing things in the world. “Jaemin.” His shoulders tensed slightly at his name, because he  _ really  _ didn’t feel like digging up probably the worst roots of all of his problems there in the living room. 

“Jeno, don’t.” Hyuck gave Jaemin a knowing look. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t for me to say.” Jeno’s brows knit together in slight distress, but it was gone as quickly as it came. He knew that Jaemin would tell him everything in time, and they had all the time in the world.

“Okay, well, Jaemin and I have homework we need to do so we’re going to go to the library if anyone wants to come. We got a study room.” Jeno placed a gentle kiss on Jaemin's cheek before finally releasing him from his hold, turning towards the kitchen to grab the pitcher of orange juice from the fridge (freshly squeezed because Renjun refused to drink anything else).

“Actually, yes, I would love to.” Renjun finally spoke up from his quiet corner of the kitchen, watching in horror as Jeno downed a glass of orange juice in what was sure to be two gulps. “Are we leaving now?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” Jeno said while placing his now empty glass into the sink.

“Jisung? Chenle?” Jaemin queried while looking over at the two boys already lost in their own world again.

“We’re good, Chenle and I are gonna go to his place.” Jisung replied between stifled chuckles.

“We’re good too.” Hyuck sat down next to Mark on the couch as he spoke, picking up the Switch controller from the coffee table. “I need to beat Mark’s ass at Mario Kart.”

“Let me change really quick and we can go.” Renjun muttered as he shuffled out of the kitchen.

Jaemin looked around the room at his occupied friends, smiling to himself as he watched Jeno snag a bite of Jisung’s bacon and Mark and Hyuck already arguing over who got to be who in Mario Kart. He was going to have to see his parents, it was unavoidable at that point, but if it all went south he knew he’d have a lot of places to go, and that felt good.

_ Wednesday _

“Babe, I can’t wear this,” Jaemin whined, looking at himself in the dimly lit dressing room mirror as he heard Jeno chuckle quietly outside the door.

“Let me see.”

“Fine, but come in here, I’m not going out there.” Jaemin unlocked the door and stepped back to allow Jeno to step inside, crossing his arms over his chest in an attempt to hide how stupid he looked. It was just a sailor costume, white top hugging tightly to Jaemin’s small waist and hat hung awkwardly on his head. It wasn’t the worst costume in the world, but he simply did not like it at all.

“Aw, Jaem, you look adorable.” Jeno’s face lit up in a grin, hands immediately reaching out to rest on his hips and pull him closer.

“No, I look stupid. Can I just go as a vampire or something? Nobody has ever gone wrong with a vampire.” Jaemin’s arms were still held tightly against his chest but he allowed himself to melt into Jeno’s hold.

“Hm, a werewolf and a vampire? Classic, and sexy.” Jeno grinned and leaned in to kiss Jaemin on the lips, but was frozen by a knock on the door. Jeno turned slightly to answer. “Uh, yes?”

“Hey,” an awkward store employee mumbled from the other side. “Another customer needs the room. Can you guys, like, get out?” Jeno turned back to Jaemin with a quiet laugh, leaning in anyways to steal the kiss he wanted in the first place, causing Jaemin to shoo him off. 

“Yeah! Be right out!” Jaemin called after the employee as he continued to try and pry Jeno off of him. The man was like duct tape. “Jen, c’mon I gotta change.” 

“One kiss?” He pouted.

“Agh, fine, you big baby.” Jaemin rolled his eyes but was smiling nonetheless, leaning in to gently press his lips against Jeno's, his arms relaxing from their previous hold and wrapping around Jeno’s neck. Jeno hummed in satisfaction into the kiss, his hands holding tightly onto Jaemin’s waist as he caught his bottom lip between his teeth.

“ _ Ahem. _ ” They were forced to break apart again by the intrusive store employee, sharing an embarrassed giggle before Jaemin finally undressed.

Jeno stared the entire time, sue him.

  
  


_ Friday _

“Jen?” Jaemin called as he laid on Jeno’s bed, setting his phone down with a huff before propping himself up on his elbow to look at Jeno better. Jeno was at his desk catching up on homework before Saturday, because he knew he definitely wouldn’t have time to do any for the rest of the weekend.

“Hm?” Jeno hummed in response, pulling his eyes away from his laptop to look at Jaemin with a soft smile. “Whats up?”

“Do you think this is a bad idea?” Jaemin stared at Jeno, looking for some sort of answer in his expression but receiving nothing. “Going to see my parents, do you think it’s a bad idea?”

“Oh, right.” Jeno let his arms fall from where they were resting on his desk in a typing position to resting in his lap, turning in his chair more fully to face Jaemin on his bed. “Well,” Jeno began, but seemed to never finish.

“Well?”

“I think it’s necessary.” Jeno stood ever so slightly from his chair just to turn and plop down on the bed next to him, pulling Jaemin against his chest in a warm hug. “I think you might be pushing your luck a bit by having me come to meet your parents after you have not spoken to them in a month, but I understand why you’re doing it.” Jeno’s head turned to look down at Jaemin, not able to see much besides the slight shadow his lashes casted onto his cheeks and the soft rise and fall of his chest while he breathed. He looked beautiful like that, though, he thought.

“Do you think they’ll try and convince me to stop?” Jaemin’s voice was softer, his hand resting against Jeno’s chest as he picked at his t-shirt with nerves.

“You think that's why they asked you to dinner?” The thought sounded absurd to Jeno, but he received his answer when Jaemin simply nodded.

“My mom was always loving of everybody, even if she didn’t inherently understand why they did the things they did, but my father was always so… mentally torrential. I was never man enough for him, and some part deep inside of me understood why he never let me have sleepovers with my friends or join choir or do the christmas plays. With every fiber of his being he was telling me  _ no _ \- but I couldn’t help it. Really, looking back at all the guilt I felt… it wasn’t about God, it was about my father.” Jeno nodded slightly in response, absorbing the silence that fell after Jaemin’s admittance, when a thought dawned on him.

“About what Hyuck said the other day, about your dad, was is about that?” Jeno’s fingertips brushed up and down Jaemin’s back as he spoke, an attempt to soothe the nervousness he could feel buzzing off of him. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, by the way. Everything in your own time.”

“No, no it’s okay. I want you to know.” Jaemin pulled back slightly to look up at Jeno, leaning up to connect their lips in a gentle kiss that Jeno immediately reciprocated. Jeno’s hand that had been resting on his chest reached up to gently cup Jaemin’s face, his thumb brushing against the highest point of his cheek. The pair stayed connected for a few more seconds before Jaemin slowly pulled back, giving Jeno a soft smile.

“What was that for?” Jeno mused as he returned the grin.

“A reminder that I’m here with you now.” Jaemin’s eyes flicked back down to look at the curve and dips of Jeno’s chest and stomach, admiring them as he took a deep breath. “My dad was raised in a much stricter religious household than mine, if you can believe it,” Jaemin cut off with a dry scoff before continuing. “So obviously he continued the tradition of old catholic parenting. Getting spanked with a belt when you did bad things, meter sticks to the knuckles, kneeling for an hour until my body ached while doing prayer. It only happened while I was really little, and honestly I don’t remember all of it, but I know it happened.” Jaemin shrugged slightly, forcing himself to look back up at Jeno who had his brows knit together, his jaw set. He reached a hand up to rest on Jeno’s cheek, trying to get him to relax. “Then the misogyny as you know. Just always on my case about being the right man, being the right catholic, being normal and proper and  _ straight.  _ The constant psychological warfare was probably worse than anything else in the end.” Jaemin used his grip on Jeno’s cheek to pull himself closer and nuzzle into his neck, inhaling the calming scent of his cologne. “Please don’t look so angry,” he mumbled softly.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno replied from above, leaning down to kiss the top of Jaemin’s head as he held him close. It was awful to hear that anything bad had ever happened to Jaemin, because he deserved everything good the world had to offer but the world seemed to do nothing but hurt him. Jeno knew all he could do was be there when he needed him, but a part of him just wanted to wrap him up and hide him from anything that could cause him pain. “Sorry that you went through that and sorry for being so emotional about it. I just… you mean the world to me, Jaemin. I don’t know what I would do without you, really.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s really okay. It’s all in the past now.” Jaemin ran his hand down Jeno’s chest before wrapping his arm around his waist, somehow still trying to get closer. “Can we take a nap? I don’t want to let you go yet.” Jeno chuckled softly from above him, adjusting slightly as he reached behind Jaemin for the comforter, grabbing it and throwing it over them in response. “Mm, thank you.” Jaemin grinned to himself and cuddled as close as he could get to Jeno, his eyes fluttering shut as he focused on the sound of his breathing and the beating of his heart.

Tomorrow his life might crash down on top of him again, but there in that bad he was safe. He’d always be safe with Jeno, he knew that, and not even his parents could make him give that up.

  
  
  


_ Saturday _

“Yes, Mark, we’re almost there” Jaemin held the phone to his ear, sitting in the passenger seat of Jeno’s car as they drove through the empty Oregon roads. “Jeno couldn’t find the shirt we’d bought him and-  _ no  _ it was not because we were making out!” Jaemin called out offendedly, looking over at Jeno with an incredulous look as Jeno laughed in response. “Okay, goodbye, asshole!”

“I mean, it was a little bit because we were making out.” Jeno replied once Jaemin had hung up, earning him a smack to his shoulder. “Hey!”

“Well he doesn’t need to know that!” Jaemin pouted with a huff, crossing his arms against his chest.

“Someone’s a bit grumpy.” There was a slight smile playing at the corner of Jeno’s lips, and Jaemin wanted to kiss it off of him, but relaxed easily when he felt Jeno’s hand rest on his thigh. “I know you’re nervous about seeing your parents, but I’ll be there the whole time, okay? And afterwards we can go to Mark’s and either get a little drunk and party or we can hide in his spare room and you can have a good cry. Either way, I’m here.” Jaemin’s shoulders slumped at his words, inhaling a careful breath before resting his hand on top of Jeno’s on his leg.

“I know, I know. It’s just awful, not knowing how it’s gonna go, ya know?” Jeno glanced over at Jaemin at his words, catching the way his brow knit together in thought. “I know my parents love me, as much as they can at least. My mom especially has made sure to remind me all day every day how I was her world, and now it just…” Jaemin released another sigh, and if it had been a few days earlier he might’ve cried, but he was entirely out of tears, ready to face whatever was to come his way.

“I know. I’m sorry, angel.”  _ Angel? _ Jaemin perked up at the new pet name, having never heard it come from Jeno before. “I can’t offer much advice, but I know whatever happens you’ll be okay. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met and you  _ will  _ get through this.” Jeno ended with a slight squeeze of his thigh. Jaemin wasn’t sure how to respond, because something warm and forgiving swelled in his chest and he pondered for the briefest moment how he came to deserve Jeno. He turned slightly to look at his profile, examining the sharp line of his jaw and his raised cheekbones and perfectly sculpted nose. Jaemin felt an ache in his heart that almost hurt at the sight of him. He had an idea of what it meant, but it wasn’t the time, so he pushed it away to be dealt with later and turned back to watch the road.

Jaemin and Jeno arrived at his childhood home at 4:37 pm.

Jeno parked on the curb, his front bumper just a foot or so shy of the mailbox. Jaemin’s eyes scanned the block lettering on the side of the mailbox that said “Na Residence”. It was cheesy, but his mom really liked it.

“Home sweet home,” Jaemin grumbled as he looked out the passenger window. There was something spine chilling about fearing a place you once considered home, and as much as Jaemin wanted to despise it, he couldn’t help the strain in his heart upon seeing the familiar white siding and blue trim.

“Ready when you are, Jaem.” Jeno said as he adjusted his sleeves a bit, making sure they weren’t wrinkled or crinkled. Jaemin turned back to him and smiled softly to himself, admiring the way Jeno’s muscles filled out the white fabric, the outline of his tattoos barely visible if you looked hard enough.

“If things get weird, I just wanna go, okay?” Jaemin looked down at his hands in his lap as he spoke, picking the skin from his thumb attentively. “Like, if they say anything to you or about me, I just wanna leave. It’s not worth it.”

“Say something as in…?”

“Homophobic.” Jaemin replied flatly.

“Right.” Jeno let out a quick breath, his hand reaching out to rest timidly on Jaemin’s cheek, his thumb brushing the highest point of his cheekbone. “Remember I’m right here. Always will be.” A reluctant smile curved up the corners of Jaemin’s bow shaped lips as he leaned into Jeno’s touch, eyes flicking up just in time to see him lean in for a gentle kiss. Jeno’s lips were warm and his hand was steady and everything about him was safe, and Jaemin knew as long as he was there he’d make it out alive. When Jeno began to pull away a soft whine of protest sounded from the back of his throat, causing Jeno to chuckle against his lips before pressing deeper into him.

When Jeno could finally get Jaemin to detach himself the pair exited Jeno’s car, and absentmindedly as Jeno walked around the front of it to meet Jaemin on the other side, Jaemin mused at how the vintage black pontiac that had paint chipping off the doors was  _ also  _ his mothers worst nightmare.

Jeno put his hand on Jaemin’s back briefly, rubbing in soothing circles before taking a shallow breath and approaching the steps together. When they got up to the top step Jaemin hesitated at the door, admittedly unsure if he should knock. He never used to knock before, but things were different, and after an embarrassingly long pause he eventually reached his hand up in a fist, knocking three times. Once he’d made himself known the dread began to seep in, and those agonizing seconds staring at the door made every last bit of blood he’d had in him rush straight to his head.  _ Breathe, Jaemin. In and out. _ He wanted to grip onto Jeno like a koala, squeeze his hand so hard it hurt, hide behind him and make himself so incredibly small that he ceased to exist- but he simply stayed frozen.

The sound of the bolt turning jostled Jaemin from his thoughts, causing his skin to heat up and prickle with nerves. He couldn’t hold Jeno’s hand, but stayed close enough to him that the fabric of their shirts touched, and it was enough to keep him from running away as the door swung open.

Jaemin’s mom stood there in front of them, a dish towel slung over her shoulder and an apron with fall leaves tied around her waist. She looked exactly like how he’d remembered her to look, and for a split second he thought he saw a smile begin to illuminate her features before her eyes found Jeno.

Jaemin held his breath. 

“Jaemin, right on time.” She said with a cautious politeness, eyes scanning between Jaemin and Jeno as if she were seeing things. “Who’s this?” Her voice went soft, as if hoping that if she asked quietly enough Jeno wouldn’t hear her despite being right in front of him. Jeno glanced over at Jaemin, who looked paler than a paper plate, and decided he was gonna have to put on the charm for him.

“Jeno Lee, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Na,” Jeno answered her with a deep bow, making sure his eye smile was on full display when he stood straight up again.

“I wasn’t aware we were having another guest.” Mrs. Na swallowed thickly, rubbing her hands on her apron as she eyed Jeno up and down. “I’ll place another setting. Please, come in.” The reluctancy was obvious, but being let inside seemed like a good place to start. Jeno watched as Mrs. Na disappeared further into the house before turning to look at Jaemin, his eyes blown wide and looking, honestly, a bit sickly.

“Hey, Jaem, you with me?” Jeno asked quietly as he reached a tentative hand out to rest on Jaemin’s shoulder, waiting for any hesitation as his palm came in contact with the warm fabric. Jaemin looked up and simply nodded, too unsure of his own voice to speak. “You’re doing great already, okay? It’s just dinner, and then we’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.” A reassuring smile warmed Jeno’s features and Jaemin was able to allow himself to believe him briefly. He knew Jeno would do everything he could to make things go right, but there were some things neither of them could control.

As the pair began to enter the house they slipped their shoes off at the front door, Jeno carefully placing them side by side as Jaemin shut the door behind them. The inside of the house was pretty much what Jeno expected. It looked lived in, cozy, with family pictures lining the staircase and a hutch in the entryway that had fine china. There was a rug leading into the dining room and in it was Mrs. Na setting the table, all the food laid out neatly and still steaming.

“You boys can go ahead and have a seat, I’ll go get your father.” Mrs. Na gave them a small smile, seemingly a little less forced than before but that could’ve just been that she was more prepared to give it.

“Where do you wanna sit?” Jaemin asked quietly, his hands shoved into his pants pockets.

“Uh, here is fine.” Jeno pulled out one of the chairs and gestured for Jaemin to sit, causing an involuntary smile to form on his lips.

“Thank you.” Jaemin sat quickly, helping Jeno as he pushed him in before watching him slide into the seat next to him. “Such a gentleman.”

“For you? Always.” The pair shared a quiet chuckle, and for the first time since they left his apartment Jaemin felt like maybe he would survive the night after all.

Jeno and Jaemin sat in silence for a few moments before hearing footsteps coming down the stairs and into the dining room through the entryway. Jeno looked up from his fascinating view of the napkin holder to immediately stand upon seeing Jaemin’s father. Once he was close enough Jeno bowed slightly across the table and reached an arm out to shake his hand; firmly, but not too hard, his go-to business handshake.

“Jeno Lee, sir, nice to meet you.” Mr. Na didn’t seem to have any reservation, simply returning the firm squeeze with a quiet nod of acknowledgement before they both sat down in their respective chairs. Mr. Na was at the head of the table with Mrs. Na to his right and Jaemin to his left, then on Jaemin’s left sat Jeno, ruining the balance of it all.

“Well, how about we say grace and then we can serve the food before it gets cold, hm? Then we can all catch up.” Mrs. Na had practically perfected her cold smile, and Jeno thought in slight bitterness that he was glad he didn’t have to hold her hand for grace. Mr. Na took Jaemin’s hand and his wife’s hand in his, and before Jeno even got Jaemin’s other hand in his hold he knew it was going to be clammy. “Jeno, since you’re our guest would you like to say grace?” The question was asked a bit too sweetly, Mrs. Na’s head tilting as if in challenge, but thankfully Jeno prepared.

“Mom, no-”

“I’d be honored.” Jeno interrupted Jaemin with a reassuring squeeze of his hand before clearing his throat, tilting his head down as if he’d done it a million times before. “Heavenly father, we thank you for this delicious meal you’ve given us today, and for allowing us to come together and enjoy all of your blessings in your company. We ask you to lead us towards the light and keep us safe and healthy this halloween. In Jesus name, amen.”

“ _ Amen. _ ”

When Jeno lifted his head he gave Mrs. Na another one of his signature eye smiles, and he could tell that the look she returned was finally dawdling into the realm of being genuine. A success so early in the night. 

Mr. and Mrs. Na served their plates first before handing the various bowls and plates to Jaemin and Jeno. It appeared to be roasted chicken breasts, asparagus, and a fruit salad. The fruit salad had large slices of freshly cut peaches in it, Jaemin’s favorite, Jeno thought.

The group ate their meal in almost complete silence, nothing but the occasional piercing sound of a fork scraping against a plate. Jaemin already knew Jeno was the only reason his parents weren’t ripping into him, and a part of him almost wished they just  _ would,  _ to get it over with so he could cry into Jeno’s lap in the car while he drove to Marks.

“This is delicious, Mrs. Na. Thank you.” Jaemin glanced over at Jeno at his comment, seeing the way his features remained warm and pliant. He admired how hard Jeno was trying, and if he were normal with normal parents then maybe they would’ve liked him as much as he did.

“I’m glad you like it. It’s Jaemin’s favorite, garlic chicken, and of course the fruit salad.” Mrs. Na wiped the corners of her mouth with her napkin, her plate nearly empty. Jaemin took the initiative to glance over at his father, who was also practically done with his meal. They had eaten dinner, but no catching up had been done.

“So, Jaemin’s friend, Jeno is it? What do you do?” Mr. Na asked plainly, an honorable attempt at looking friendly evident on his features. Jaemin looked back at Jeno at his question, cheeks burning red at the realization that they were then getting to the catching up part.

“I’m a student, like Jaemin, majoring in engineering. Kinda thinking about going into auto design?” Jeno nodded with a polite smile. He was doing so good- the best, and Jaemin felt that same warmth overtake his chest from earlier. The same one he felt when Jeno passed out on the couch and drooled all over his pillows, or when he made silly noises after being confused or surprised, or when he came home with a family sized box of fruit snacks that Jaemin knew wouldn’t last the week. It was a searing burn some days, one that set him ablaze when their hands roamed smooth skin and their lips tasted of salt and sin- but others it was just a peaceful ardor. Jeno was home, he was the sun, he was everything.

“Auto design, that’s my man.” Mr. Na let out the first honest sound Jaemin had heard all night, setting his napkin on the table with an interested grin. “You know, I always wished Jaemin would get into something with cars or planes if he wasn’t gonna join the church. Something to get his hands dirty.”  _ There it is. _

_ You’re ruining your life with these phases. _

_ You don’t want people to get the wrong idea. _

_ Is this God’s will? _

No matter how good things went Jaemin would always be the disappointment, the gay boy who was too soft and cared too much but not nearly enough to change him. His father would never accept him, and he was always going to be too scared to defend himself, so there he was, stuck, in a stupid limbo of his own design. It sucked, and his button up shirt was getting too hot and he just wanted to leave, to disappear, be nothing.

“Actually, sir, Jaemin is really great with what he does, and he really loves it too. I don’t think there’s anything more honorable than being willing to shape the next generation. Kids are the future, and all that.”  _ Oh god.  _ Jaemin looked between Jeno and his father, eyes flickering between the moment frozen in time before an inevitable explosion.

“Well, sure he’s good at it, nobody cares about people as much as our Jaemin. Isn’t that right dear?” Mrs. Na had an apprehensive gentleness in her eyes, and Jaemin recognized it as her “defuse the situation” smile.

“Sure, but it’s not exactly a  _ man's  _ job, right Jeno?” Jaemin’s eyes shot to Jeno, his jaw just the slightest bit tight, almost invisible unless you stared at him as much as Jaemin did. His sweet disposition faltered for just a moment, a second of weakness, before he reeled it all back in.

“I’d have to disagree, sir. With all due respect I find that notion to be rather dated. There’s plenty of women in my engineering courses, just as there’s plenty of men in Jaemin’s teaching courses.” Jeno speared the last remaining peach slice on his plate, taking a bite from it as a thick silence filled the air. Nobody moved, watching him chew nonchalantly before swallowing with another sweet smile, this one dripping with something defiant. “Besides, Jesus was a teacher of sorts, was he not?” Jaemin’s eyes blew wide, because dear god Jeno  _ you were so close.  _

“Okay, well, Jeno and I have plans so we’re just-” Jaemin tried to scoot out of his seat but was stopped with a single look from his father, his hand raised in objection.

“Jaemin, sweetie, we loved having your friend for dinner but I think he should give us a little privacy. We need to talk as a family, don’t you think?” His mother’s voice oozed a patronizing tone, it was a challenge as much as it was a plea for him to listen.

“No, whatever you have to say you can say with him here.”

“Jaemin, we do not need to discuss private matters in front of your friend. He needs to leave.” Jaemin’s face burned with heat, an embarrassing overwhelmed feeling causing his heart to beat in his ears. He couldn’t face them without Jeno, but they wouldn’t face him any other way. It was cowardly on both their parts, but Jaemin refused to let them win. They’d won his whole life, every battle, every argument, every decision, it was his parents that drove and he was just a passenger with chronic motion sickness.

“Jaem, it’s okay, I can go.” Jeno leaned over to try and speak as privately to Jaemin as possible, but Jaemin wouldn’t look at him, afraid that if he did he would cry.

“Thank you, Jeno. See someone here has some sense after a-” Mr. Na began, but never got to finish.

“He’s not my friend.” Everyone froze. Jaemin could feel Jeno’s eyes boring into the back of his head, saw out of the corner of his eye how his mothers hands clenched into fists on the table, and in front of him his fathers features refused to give into to what he must have assumed was a racy act of rebellion. Everything was still, Jaemin’s heart beat so fast he thought it might jump right out of his chest and onto the table. If God were real he was probably looking down on them with a bowl of popcorn, because humans were so concerned about things they claimed were out of their hands. So incessant on punishing sinners and telling you how to dress and how to act and who to be, then turned around and told you that God had a plan for you after all. So what was it? Did God design us in his image, or were we just pawns in a giant game that spanned space and time? It really didn’t matter in the end, Jaemin realized. Regardless of if God were real he was at a kitchen table in rural Oregon in a country that was in flames on a floating rock in space that would be destroyed in a few billion years. Nothing mattered, but Jeno did. Jaemin did.

_ Are you really going to do this?  _

“He’s not my friend.” Jaemin said again, taking another breath to make sure he wasn’t going to be sick.

“He’s my boyfriend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dunnnnnnn
> 
> pls lemme know ur thoughts on [twitter](https://twitter.com/fanghyuck) and dont k word me


	8. Finding Nirvana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He wasn’t the serpent of temptation, he was the sweet and freeing taste of life, of rights and wrongs, of heaven and hell, of absolutes and maybes. Jeno was everything..."

“He’s my boyfriend.” All the air left Jaemin’s lungs. If he weren’t sitting he probably would’ve passed out, and if he couldn’t feel Jeno’s dress shoe tap against his own he probably would’ve assumed he were daydreaming. Jaemin had told himself he wasn’t going to let this dinner get the best of him, but as he looked between his parents who were simply staring at each other, exchanging millions of words that left Jaemin behind as they always did, he couldn’t stop the swell of rage that gnawed at his chest. It was his dramatic moment, his confession to end all confessions. Where was the yelling, the screaming, the crying, the grabbing by the collar of his shirt and shoved into a confessional box? Why were they so calm? “Hello? Did you hear me? Do you ever hear me?” Jaemin was becoming frantic, his voice tinging with hurt and confusion. If the thought of being disowned in a grand display of hate was hard, being completely ignored was worse. “Has anything I’ve ever said, ever needed, ever  _ wanted  _ ever mattered to you? To either of you?” His parents turned to him then, and when he caught his mothers blank gaze he couldn’t help the sting of tears that welled in the corner of his eyes. He didn’t fight them, just let them fall by their own will as he saw his father swallow thickly out of the corner of his eye. “Jesus, I should’ve known.” Jaemin scoffed, throwing his napkin onto his plate of uneaten food before shoving himself out of his chair. Jeno didn’t need a single word spoken to him to carefully push out of his chair, setting his napkin on his plate before standing behind Jaemin silently. “We’re leaving.”

“Jaemin, wait.” Mrs. Na stood from her chair, walking behind the back of Jaemin’s father before standing in front of the two boys with her hands held up in surrender. Even from behind him Jeno could see Jaemin’s shoulders tremble and his hands shaking in the tight fists he held at his sides, every bit of nerves Jeno had ever known Jaemin to hold vibrating off of him in waves that made Jeno’s own heart beat faster. “If Jeno could just wait in the living room, for just a moment, we’ll say what we want to say and if you still never want to see us again then that’s your choice.”  _ His choice.  _ Was it ever his choice?

Jaemin felt a hand on his shoulder, a warm and steady presence that kept his ears from ringing. “Jaem, I’ll be there if you need me.” Then the hand began to slip away and he saw out of the corner of his blurred vision as Jeno disappeared into the entryway, heading towards the living room on the other side of the house. As went Jeno so went his tie to sanity, and he looked down at his parents with such a broken rage that he could see the unease glimmer in his fathers eyes. Mrs. Na stood behind his fathers chair, her hand on his shoulder, nobody prepared to move a muscle.

“Jaemin, please sit-”

“If you’re going to ask me to leave him, I won’t.” Jaemin huffed out, his shoulders tense as he felt every bit of himself finally fall apart. Holding it together for months, years, a  _ lifetime,  _ was entirely useless in the end, because the only way to heal was to peel away any security he’d ever known. It was like ripping off a million bandaids and dipping yourself in rubbing alcohol; a spine curling, teeth gritting, unfiltered pain. He continued. “You guys have always forced me to be exactly what you needed me to be. The perfect son, the perfect disciple, the perfect image of a God that you know  _ nothing  _ about. You were so busy putting me into a box that you never let me know a single thing about myself, and then when I finally began to discover it you shut it away so deep inside me that I have been stumbling around sick to my stomach at the mere thought of  _ loving _ , and god-” he choked on a cry, wiping the rogue tears away with his cotton sleeve. It hurt, it ached, it gnawed away at him day and night until he was nothing but a shell of himself, and then Jeno filled his chest and brought air to his lungs and made him human again. It was the last nail on the cross, the final step to redemption, a prayer meant only for the purest tongue and he needed to say it, needed to say it to them. “I love him. I want to love him forever. He’s the only real love I’ve ever known and I will choose him over you today, tomorrow, and any day after that so if that’s what you’re here to ask me then you’ve already lost. I’ve never mattered more than God to you, and I hope it fucking  _ sucks  _ to be treated the same way.” And there it was, his soul on display for the two people that brought him into the world, raised him since the moment his cells came together to form the other half to Jeno Lee. What could they possibly say to that, he mused for a moment, but it didn’t matter in the end because he said what he needed to say. They stared a moment more, the three of them taking in each other's silence after being hit by a title wave. His mother took a breath.

“Okay. If you feel that strongly then… there’s nothing that we can say, Jaemin.” Jaemin could see her grip tighten on his fathers shoulder, he grimaced, but nodded slightly as if to agree to whatever their silent conversation was. “You’re my son, and I love you, and if you love that boy then I will love that boy.” Mrs. Na stepped around the chair, approaching Jaemin like one would approach a wounded deer, her hands reaching out to touch his cheeks and he instantly crumpled against her. His body was tired, and he just wanted to be held, so she held him. They fell to their knees, his mothers small frame wrapping itself around Jaemin as he cried, his hands fisting in her shirt like a child who’d scraped his knees. If one captured the moment they’d resemble a painting of Jesus with the Mother Theresa, the holy son breaking under the weight of the world. “We won’t make you choose, Jaemin. That’s not your job to choose, and we will always choose you.” Her own voice was strained, holding back the tears she didn’t want Jaemin to see.

“I’m sorry, son.” A deep whisper made Jaemin quiet for a moment, his chest aching as his sobs turned to soft sniffles. He glanced up to see his father kneeling beside them, a fallen follower brought to his knees by the plights of the Son. “You’re right, maybe I know nothing about God, but I’ve known that he was real since the moment I held you in my arms.” Jaemin sat up slightly, his mother smoothing his messed brown locks as he listened carefully to the words he so craved to hear. “I won’t pretend like I understand what…  _ this  _ is, but if you’ll give me a chance I’d like to pray on it, and I’ll try.” Jaemin thought, and processed, and considered the endings he was anticipating and maybe even wanting, but never in a million years could he have thought that his father would say that he was right, and that he was allowed to exist as he was. 

“We had discussed a lot when you left that day, Jaemin. Heck, I almost divorced your father then and there for pushing you away-” His mom broke off in a strained laugh, and Jaemin looked over at her with a similar absurd feeling in his chest. “We prayed for days, wondering what to do, but we just wanted our son back.” Jaemin had receded to sitting with his legs crossed beneath him, his parents still kneeling across from him. “Then when you brought Jeno I… I was caught off gaurd, we both were, and your father really needs to learn better manners, but I see why you brought him. He tried so hard for you, didn’t he?” Jaemin paused for a moment, stunned that those words were leaving his mother at all before nodding cautiously. “I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t face us alone, and that was absolutely our fault.”

“You’re my son before you’re anything else, Jaemin, and I’m sorry it took me 19 years to realize that.”

The taste of healing touched the tip of his tongue, and Jaemin gave his parents a tired smile before hoisting himself to his feet carefully. He reached down to help his mom up as well and held her in another tight hug once she was up right, and without warning he felt another pair of arms wrap around them both, smelling of wintergreen and bound leather. His father was hugging him, and that hug would follow him to Jeno in the living room, lingering around him as they walked to the car in silence, and it wasn’t until they were back in Jeno’s car that it registered that his parents had seen the most secret parts of himself and they loved him regardless. It was surreal, a dream, and Jaemin had nothing to say, just sitting against the cool leather that relieved his burning skin.

Mr. Na had waved them goodbye, and Jaemin sat in a daze until he and Jeno were a few blocks from Mark’s house, surrounded by the fields of unharvested corn, the sun beginning to set in the distance. 

“Jen, pull over.” Jeno did just that, steering off to the side of the road where dirt met asphalt. Jeno hadn’t asked what happened, just assumed Jaemin would tell him in his own time, even if he heard bits and pieces he was sure weren’t meant for his ears. He turned the engine, not wanting the car to idle as he turned to look over at Jaemin, but before his eyes could even register anything about the boy he felt a warm hand grip the back of his neck, pulling him into a fervent kiss. Jeno hummed against the pressure, reaching down to unbuckle his seat belt before fully turning to return Jaemin’s kiss, hands finding their place resting against Jaemin’s cheeks. It was needy and breathless and Jeno barely understood what was happening before he felt Jaemin crawl over the center console, settling easy on his lap with his thighs straddling him on either side. Jaemin’s hands snaked into his hair, pulling slightly to earn a gasp from the blue haired boy beneath him, using his parted lips as an opportunity to slip his tongue inside. Jeno tasted like peaches and Jaemin wanted to drown in him, whining in the back of his throat at the feeling of his hands on hips, large palms gripping onto him like his life depended on it. Their dress clothes didn’t provide for much give, but he didn’t mind, he was only focused on kissing Jeno, losing himself in the way their lips slotted together so perfectly. Jaemin’s hands slowly ran down the front of Jeno’s chest, nimble fingers undoing the feeble buttons before trailing his spit coated lips down Jeno’s chin. He licked at the faded bruise at the crest of his collarbone from only a few nights before, lips latching onto the already faintly purple skin before sucking a fresh mark right above it. Jeno’s hands slid down Jaemin’s back, pulling him closer by his ass until their chests were flush together. The car was getting entirely too hot, and Jeno felt Jaemin press down into his lap, causing a sharp intake of breath from Jeno to pause Jaemin’s movements altogether.

They were both breathing heavily, chests rising and falling against each other as Jaemin lifted his head from Jeno’s neck, trailing feather light kisses to his sharp jaw and heated cheeks before pressing their foreheads together.

“Jeno.” Jaemin’s voice came out in a desperate whisper, their lips so close that they brushed together as he spoke. “I know you probably heard me, and I know it probably isn’t ideal to hear it again in the front seat of your car, but I don’t care.” Jaemin closed the space between them once again, hands resting firmly on Jeno’s toned chest as he kissed him for just a moment. It was a silent precursor, a forward to the story he was about to tell. Jaemin could’ve waited for the perfect moment, found a garden with fall leaves or laid rose petals on his bed in the shape of a heart for Jeno to find, but being in Jeno’s hold, surrounded by nothing and with the whole world ahead of them seemed like just as good a time as any to tell him. “I love you, Jeno. I love you so much that it makes me feel crazy. I’ve loved you since before I met you. I’ve loved you since the day I was born. Everything I’ve ever done, ever wanted, ever been has lead me to find you, and now that I have you I’m never,  _ ever _ , letting you go.” Jaemin let out a small laugh, something bubbly and light from the back of his throat- pure, unfiltered joy and Jeno’s favorite song. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” The sweetest surrender, a four letter word that Jaemin was sure didn’t hold a meaning until the day Jeno was born, and all for them to share.

Jeno lips curved up in a stupid grin, one of his hands reaching up to cup Jaemin’s cheek before pecking his lips and his nose and his lashes, kissing every bit of Jaemin he could reach until they were both laughing sweetly. Jeno held Jaemin tightly, held him like he was the most important thing in the world, and in a moment suspended between time and space he let his lips part to return the sentiment.

“I love you too, Jaemin. More than I know how to articulate, more than I know how to comprehend, and I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.” Jaemin’s head dropped into Jeno’s neck, inhaling his scent and feeling the warmth of his cheeks against the smooth cotton. “Everything you did today… I’m so fucking proud of you, and I’m honored that I get to be there with you when things are hard. I wouldn’t let someone like you slip away even if you tried.” Jaemin chuckled at that, lifting his head to look at Jeno again before placing another gentle kiss to his lips, this one less hungry, but as electrifying and skin tingling as ever. The world around them had gone completely dark, and when Jaemin pulled back the moonlight casted a shadow onto Jeno’s features. He was beautiful, ethereal, heavent sent and Jaemin’s greatest sin, and he knew that no matter how that night had gone he’d have loved him a million times over until the end of time.

“You’re so beautiful.” Jaemin mumbled, his hands clasping together behind Jeno’s neck. 

“Mm, you’re more beautiful.” Jeno grinned and Jaemin shook his head with a giggle. It was all so sickly sweet, but Jaemin would be lying if he said he didn’t love it.

“We should probably get to the party. Mark will be calling me any second asking me what warehouse my parents are keeping me in.” Jeno barked out a laugh, head thrown back in joy at the absurd thought. “What? As far as he knows they’re still crazy!”

“Okay, okay. Then I guess that means you have to get off my lap.” He put on a fake pout, so stupid but so endearing that Jaemin couldn’t help but coo at him.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll be back here soon enough.”

“Do you think Mark’s spare bedrooms will be occupied?”

“Jeno.”

After disentangling their limbs and an accidental press of the horn from Jaemin’s ass, the pair finally parked in front of Mark's house, not quite buzzing with activity yet. Jaemin and Jeno stepped out of the car, Jeno grabbing the backpack with their costumes from the back seat before taking Jaemin’s hand in his and leading them up the front steps. Mark lived a little bit in the middle of nowhere, his house on a couple acres of land that Jaemin spent many a summer birthday parties playing hide and seek.

When they got up to the front door Jeno was about to knock, but Jaemin simply pushed into the house like he owned it.

“Honey, we’re home!” Jaemin called out to the big house, making Jeno chuckle behind him. The house was warm and looked like a stereotypical farm house, but there were halloween decorations hanging from the ceiling and lining the walls. Fake cobwebs covered all the houseplants and rubber zombie babies sat on staggering steps. It looked good, and Jeno was sure that with the lights off it’d look even better.

“Hey guys.” Mark appeared from the hall with a smile, dressed in what appeared to be a lion onesie, the fluffy hood hanging against his back and tail visible between his legs. “Welcome to my humble abode, Jeno. You guys can change in the first room upstairs- Jaemin knows the way- and if you need me I’ll be finishing making drinks with the guys in the kitchen.” With that Mark turned and left, prompting Jaemin to lead Jeno towards the staircase and up the carpeted steps.

“Who are the guys, exactly?” Jeno asked as they approached the top step, Jaemin already leading them into the first door on the right.

“Probably your guys.” Jaemin flicked on the light, stepping further into the room before turning to see Jeno shut the door behind them. “Chenle’s car was outside, and I’m pretty sure he drove Renjun and Hyuck.”

“And Jisung?” Jeno queried as he dropped the backpack on the bed, already unbuttoning his shirt that Jaemin reluctantly closed after their kiss in the car.

“Practically lives with Mark.” Jaemin chuckled to himself, eyes falling on Jeno’s skilled fingers as they undid the rest of his shirt before slipping it off, his tattoos peeking out from his thin undershirt. Jaemin sometimes wondered how in the hell he looked the way he did, because obviously the gym was an important factor, but there was something about the way his shoulders were perfectly broad in contrast to his waist and his legs were so long he sometimes looked short while sitting down. His proportions were ones that every artist dreamed of emulating, and as he reached down to grip the hem of his undershirt before pulling it off to leave his top half bare, Jaemin thought he might fall over. It was silly, because by then he’d seen Jeno in plenty different states of undress, but his heart never stuttered any less every time he saw him.

“We’re staying here tonight, right? I brought your toothbrush and some shower stuff, just in case.” Jaemin’s heart swooned at the sentiment, especially as Jeno seemed to be focused on taking the clothes out from the backpack and not even realizing that what he said was cavity-inducingly sweet.

“Mhm,” Jaemin hummed, sitting on the edge of the bed with a smile as he shamelessly watched Jeno’s every move. The black inked leaves and flowers and miscellaneous objects, all with their own little stories painted Jaemin’s mind as he did, and Jeno looked up from the clothes on the bed to meet Jaemin’s gaze. Jaemin blushed softly, sitting back as if Jeno had invaded his space. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, angel.” Jeno said with a light chuckle, setting Jaemin’s costume next to him on the bed. That same nickname tickled the nape of Jaemin’s neck and made him melt, his shoulders slumping again almost instantly. God he was lovesick. “I don’t mind, you know. You can look at me all you want, as long as I get to look at you too.” Such a perfect thing to say, coming from the perfect pair of lips on the most perfectly sculpted face known to man.

“Jen, when did you start calling me angel?” Jaemin mused curiously, his hands reaching down to undo the buttons on his own shirt. Jeno stepped around the bed and went down to one knee in front of Jaemin, his hands reaching out to gently push Jaemin’s away as he began unbuttoning his shirt for him, carefully and delicately.

“Since I saw you walking into the church that day after bumping into you outside the library. I just never said it to your face, I guess.” There was a slight smirk quirking up the corner of Jeno’s mouth, his eyes focused as he reached up to gently slide the fabric down Jaemin’s shoulders, helping it slip off his arms before setting it next to him on the bed. “Pretty much every other word out of my mouth was ‘ _ Oh, Renjun I saw the angel today. Can’t believe I embarrassed myself in front of the angel last night. Do you think the angel likes dudes _ ?’”

“The angel did in fact like dudes. You especially.” Jaemin looked down at Jeno with a smile, his head tilted slightly, almost goofily.

“And I am grateful for that every day of my mortal life.” The pair shared a laugh at that, Jaemin leaning down to kiss Jeno softly, something as easy to him then as taking a breath. “Okay my love, we should shower away the after-cry and change and get down there or Mark might come barging in wondering where we are.” Jaemin nodded at that, allowing Jeno to help him pull his undershirt off as well.

The pair took turns showering, using Mark’s mom’s blow dryer to fluff out and style their hair before changing into their costumes quickly, too enraptured in making sure everything was perfect to get caught up in kissing for once- they took halloween very seriously. Jeno had a masquerade mask in the shape of a wolf’s face, elegant and perfectly perched on the top of his head with a black faux-fur coat over a white tank top. The tank top had carefully placed rips as if a claw had run through them, showing his prominent muscles, and to top it all off were a pair of skin tight black jeans, just as perfectly torn up to show the intricate phoenix tattoo trailing down from Jeno’s hip. Jaemin had helped him smudge some dark eye makeup on before pulling back to let Jeno examine his own outfit. Burgundy suit with a white button up shirt undone to his chest. Jeno had smeared some red fake blood down Jaemin’s chin and neck for an added effect. They both looked good, and Jaemin thought as such when they stood in front of the full length mirror at the opposite end of the room.

“Shall we, my prince of the night?” Jaemin’s face scrunched up at the nickname, a reluctant laugh bubbling from his throat as he took a final look in the mirror, a glint of gold around his neck catching his eye.

“First of all, prince of the night?” Jeno simply shrugged with a goofy smile. “Second of all-” Jaemin paused to reach behind himself, his fingers grasping the clasp of his cross necklace before unhooking it carefully. “Vampires can’t wear crosses, so would you mind holding onto this for me?” He reached forward and placed the necklace around Jeno’s neck, easily clasping it behind him before closing the remaining space between them in a light kiss. Jeno smiled against him, warm and content, before pulling back with a hum. 

“I’ll be sure to keep it safe.”

“Not like I’m letting you out of my sight anyways, especially not while you’re looking like that.”

The pair eventually made it back downstairs and Jaemin led them to the kitchen, where as he expected, sat Jisung, Hyuck, Chenle, Renjun and Mark at the kitchen table. The counter was covered in filled red solo cups and a bucket full of candy and mini packaged snacks sat on the floor beneath it. Lining the area next to the stove was mummy wrapped mini sausages and bagel bites with olive eyes- Mark always went all out, and Jaemin knew he probably had cases upon cases of beer in his garage.

“Mark, I don’t think I ever want to look at an olive again.” Donghyuck grumbled as he slumped back in his chair, a tinfoil looking onesie crinkling slightly as he did. Jisung next to him was wearing a red flannel, his pitch black hair hanging in his eyes with little plastic fangs poking out from his lips. Chenle was dressed in all pink, his once blonde hair was chalked the same shade and at the end of the table sat Renjun, a brown flannel tucked into overalls and a straw hat hanging from his head.

“I told you to use the little tweezers to place the eyes, but you wanted to make things difficult for yourself.” Mark rebutted as he shuffled the uno deck they had had out on the table.

“Hello Marshall, Prince Bubblegum,” Jeno said as he nodded in recognition before turning to look at Hyuck. “Did you really make Renjun and Mark go with you as the cowardly lion and the scarecrow?”

“Uh, no, this was Mark’s brilliant idea.” Donghyuck replied as Mark looked up at Jaemin and Jeno with a grin.

“I already had the onesie.” Mark then put the cards in a neat pile on the table, leaning back in his chair with a sigh. “Enjoy the last moments of quiet, a loooot of people said they’re coming.”

“Oh c’mon, Mark, there’s like 10 people  _ max  _ that you know.” Jisung scoffed as he set his phone down on the table, Mark simply shrugging with a knowing smile.

Once the clock hit 9:48 Jisung was already eating his words- and Mark definitely knew more than 10 people. By the time an hour or so passed the party was in full swing.

The lights had long been turned off, black lights making peoples costumes glow and strings of multi-colored christmas lights lighting up the hallways. Jisung and Chenle were dancing on the edges of the crowd, hands clasped together while they jumped around to their own beat, gleaming smiles glowing purple in the light. Renjun was in the study doing karaoke and absolutely embarrassing everyone with his dramatic rendition of My Heart Will Go On, and Mark and Hyuck were chatting people up in the kitchen, best friends like no time had passed.

Jaemin and Jeno were in the middle of a very intense game of beer pong with some girls neither of them really knew the names of. They both had three cups left, a close call, and though Jeno had had four cups and Jaemin had had only three, he could tell they were both getting a bit tipsy.

“C’mon, boys, can’t handle your beer?” One of the girls with bleached blonde hair and a bumble bee headband pouted mockingly, but the flush on her cheeks told Jaemin she was just as affected.

“Drunk or not we can still beat your asses.” Jaemin positioned himself in the center of the table again, lining himself up to throw his ping pong ball when he felt Jeno’s hand on the swell of his ass, causing his attention to drift exponentially as the ball flew from his fingertips, missing the cups entirely. “Jeno!” Jaemin stood up straight, turning quickly to shove at Jeno’s chest for making him miss his shot, but Jeno was quick to stop him, grabbing Jaemin’s wrist instead and pulling him against him.

“Ladies, you win,” Jeno said while staring intensely at Jaemin, a glint of want and something else in his eyes as he tossed his ball into a random cup. “Wanna dance, babe?” Jeno grinned a crooked grin, leaning down to brush his lips against Jaemin’s ear before speaking loud enough for only him to hear. “Your ass looks so good in those pants, it should be a sin.” Jaemin shivered, looking back with his mouth hung slightly open.

“Uh- yeah, yeah, dancing. Dancing would be good.” Jaemin glanced over with an apologetic smile to the two girls, who looked back at them with a bit of confusion. Jaemin had never considered before that he and Jeno didn’t look stereotypical, but he supposed it made sense that two girls playing beer pong with two guys was playing into some heteronormative ritual. However before he could think much more about it, Jeno was pulling him to the living room, leading him into the middle of the crowd. The music was blaringly loud compared to the dull thump of the noise in the kitchen, but Jaemin found his tipsy self enjoyed it, letting his arms easily wrap around Jeno’s neck while they instantly found a lazy sort of rhythm. Jeno’s hands were warm on his waist, and he leaned in to place a dazed kiss to the corner of Jaemin’s lips, causing him to grin in response before pressing himself closer. Jeno smelled like cheap beer and his favorite cologne- notes of crisp ocean and musk mixing with the sweat of all the bodies around them, making Jaemin dizzy with  _ Jeno, Jeno, Jeno _ . Their bodies moved easily together, like they were built for each other, and Jaemin sucked in a breath when he felt Jeno’s hip bone digging into his own. There was no space between them, and Jaemin became painfully aware of that fact when Jeno’s hands slid down to grip onto his ass, holding him tightly against him as they managed to still move to the now blurred sound of the music. Jaemin’s fingers messed with the hair at the nape of Jeno’s neck as he forced his eyes up at Jeno, who was staring back at him so intensely it caused goosebumps to prickle the surface of his skin, despite him burning up from the inside out. The lights reflected in Jeno’s dark eyes, and they stared for a moment, the music fading into nothingness as a dull ringing settled in Jaemin’s senses instead. Jaemin could get so lost in Jeno’s stare that he would never return, swimming forever in the recesses of his mind and wrapped securely in the thoughts that so desperately consumed him. Everything stopped, a moment suspended in time, Jaemin’s skin hyper aware of every inch of his body that touched Jeno’s as his eyes flickered down to his lips. His lips were just as dizzying, and he felt his mouth begin to water at the thought of tasting him- and as if Jeno could read his mind, before Jaemin could even look back into his eyes, his lips were on him. The kiss was slow at first, the remnants of their beers making them lazy in their efforts, but soon Jeno was licking his way into Jaemin’s mouth and he was gone- sobered in an instant.

There was nothing quite like kissing Jeno, and as much as Jaemin knew he was a sole entity that had plenty of reason to exist beyond him, he found himself realizing that there was no way he would ever  _ want  _ to. Jeno was the oasis in the desert, the only drink that could wet Jaemin’s throat, and he knew without a single ounce of doubt that it was always going to be Jeno. He felt a bit insane for being so sure of such a thing, but Jeno had a way of driving him mad. 

The descent into madness only worsened when Jeno caught Jaemin’s bottom lip between his teeth, tugging a bit harshly before trailing his lips down Jaemin’s jaw. Jaemin reached up and gripped the wolf mask that was sitting atop his head, pulling it off and letting it hang limply around his wrist as he threaded his fingers into Jeno’s hair. Jeno’s tongue poked out to lick a strip up the side of Jaemin’s neck (the fake blood had long been sweat off), lips attaching to the sensitive spot just below his ear that had a surprised sound escaping him that he couldn’t register over the music. Their hips pressed together once again and  _ oh-  _ there Jeno was, bulging out of his skinny jeans and rubbing up against Jaemin in such a perfect way that he  _ moaned _ , and despite the music making him forget how to think, Jeno had definitely heard him.

They continued like that, hips pressed together, teeth and tongue, marks bruised into otherwise perfect skin at a messy pace that had all but been lost from the beat, and Jaemin realized quickly that he needed something else. His legs ached from the growing need, his breathing uneven while his head had fallen into the crook of Jeno’s neck, a soft sound emitting from him when their hips would press together just right. Jaemin needed out of his clothes, and he needed Jeno to do something,  _ soon _ , or he might cum in his pants then and there, which he really didn’t want. 

Once again, as if Jeno could read Jaemin’s thoughts (which he absentmindedly got concerned about as he didn’t have to say a word to him to immediately get what he wanted), Jeno gently detached Jaemin’s arms from around his neck, interlacing their fingers together before leading him back out of the crowd where they’d entered. Jaemin bumped into Renjun and Hyuck dancing as he was pulled along, and he faintly remembered hearing some hollering and whistling behind him while being dragged up the stairs. All of that was immediately forgotten, though, when Jeno caged Jaemin in between his arms on the inside of the bedroom door, his palms flat against the wood as he looked at Jaemin with hungry eyes. It was much quieter up there, and Jaemin could finally hear himself think as he saw the flush on Jeno’s cheeks from the glow of the bedside lamp, sweat making his blue hair stick to his temples. He looked like Jaemin’s wet dream, and something inside him stirred.

“You look so fucking good, angel.” Jeno murmured as he leaned down to ghost his lips over the quickest darkening bruise on Jaemin’s neck, causing a shiver to make its way down his spine. Jaemin’s hands dropped his mask to the ground and reached out to grip onto the front of Jeno’s jacket, trying but failing to pull him closer against him. Jeno was an immovable object when he wanted to be, but also an unstoppable force when provoked.

“I think I’d look better without the suit, don't you?” Jaemin laid it on thick, his eyes slightly hooded as he slumped back against the door, looking up at Jeno when he’d retreated from his neck with a silent plea. The energy that sat between them was so thick Jaemin almost felt like he couldn’t breathe, but he knew Jeno would be there to put the air back in his lungs, and he wanted nothing more than to lose to him then. He’d lost to Jeno the day he bumped into him outside the library, and lost to him again in the bathroom at the party, and again in between the stacks of books while they shared their first kiss. Over and over again Jaemin gave himself up in new ways to the boy with the tattoos, and he began to realize that the sweet relief of surrender was something he was never able to give God. Jeno was his monolith, the center of everything that didn’t seem to belong, but was so vital to every meaning his life had to offer- and he was his, and he was there, and Jaemin wanted him. “Please, Jeno.” He finally begged, his gaze faltering beneath Jeno’s unmovable stare. He felt like prey for just a moment, the silence deafening, but Jeno wouldn’t make him wait any longer.

Like waves hitting the shore in a storm their lips crashed together again, forcing a soft whimper from Jaemin’s throat. He used his grip on Jeno’s jacket to push it off his shoulders, causing Jeno’s hands to retreat from their place on the door as he slid it off and onto the floor. Without breaking their kiss Jeno did the same with Jaemin’s suit jacket, layers of maroon slipping off his frame and leaving him in the dress shirt that made Jeno feel insane. Without a second thought Jeno crowded Jaemin back against the door, his hands landing on his hips before sliding down to grip onto his thighs, lifting Jaemin effortlessly as he wrapped his legs around Jeno’s waist.

Jeno carried him over to the bed, waiting till his knees hit the soft cushion of the mattress before laying Jaemin down easily onto the comforter below. He crawled over Jaemin’s frame, his legs opening to accommodate him before Jeno attached their lips in another kiss, not giving Jaemin a moment to breathe. The kiss tasted like alcohol and mint chapstick and like the Jaemin he kissed time and time again until he couldn’t think anymore. It was a familiar sensation, one that sent waves through his entire body until he couldn’t feel his fingers anymore. There was something addicting about losing himself in Jaemin, and as he felt the brown haired boy's arm reach up to grip in his hair with a slight tug, he realized he was slipping away like he always did.

Before Jeno could get too carried away he pulled back suddenly, sitting up onto his knees with a soft sound of protest from Jaemin that was quickly silenced when he saw what he was doing. Large hands reached down to grip the hem of his torn shirt, pulling it up and over his head. It got tossed somewhere in the room, but Jaemin wasn’t concerned about it’s whereabouts, he was far too focused on the image in front of him. Like a painting that he wanted to commemorate in stained glass, Jeno’s muscles casting shadows onto himself from the glow of the bedside lamp, his skinny jeans cinched tightly at his hips with a belt, his tattoos on full display and eye makeup smudged. He was looking down at Jaemin as if he were the only thing in the world, and Jaemin allowed himself to believe it, bathe in it. A look mixed between lust and adoration settled in Jeno’s gaze, and in the silence Jaemin felt like his ears were ringing in anticipation- maybe they were, he didn’t know, he didn’t know a single thing. All he knew was Jeno.

“You okay?” Jeno asked softly as he splayed his hands out on Jaemin’s small waist, rubbing his sides soothingly before trailing up onto his chest, experienced fingers undoing the buttons of Jaemin’s shirt. “Hm?”

“Yes, yes I’m okay. Please keep going.” Jaemin felt his cheeks heat up at the sound of his own voice, slightly breathless and almost croaking. It was probably the beer from earlier, he reasoned (it wasn’t), and not simply Jeno pulling him apart at the seams before he’d even done anything at all.

“Okay, but tell me if you want me to stop, or do something different. Promise?” Jeno looked up to meet Jaemin’s eyes again, his hands pushing open the white dress shirt he’d successfully unbuttoned. Jaemin nodded softly in response, but Jeno simply tilted his head, raising an expectant brow. “Use your words.”

“I promise, Jen,” Jaemin breathed out softly, almost desperately, as he squirmed beneath Jeno’s gaze.

“ _ Good boy _ .” The words fell like sticky honey, Jeno’s voice gravelly and sending waves throughout Jaemin’s body. The praise went straight to Jaemin’s head, making him dizzy again despite his best efforts to remain present.

Jeno didn’t say another word, just leaned down to press light kisses down Jaemin’s sternum, turning his head slightly left to leave an experimental lick against Jaemin’s nipple. The reaction was immediate, Jaemin’s hips raising on instinct and his eyes squeezing shut with a whine. If Jaemin’s senses weren’t so overloaded he’d think to be embarrassed, but Jeno didn’t give him enough time. Jeno’s lips attached to the sensitive bud, his tongue swirling around it as if to taste, and the simple action had Jaemin’s hands darting to his hair, holding onto him for dear life as his chest heaved.

“Jen-” Jaemin began but was cut off by Jeno attaching to his other nipple, leaving the previous one hard and pink, and the sensation was so new he didn’t expect his body to love it so much. Every swipe of Jeno’s tongue was warm and wet and his hands had begun to trail down his sides again, leaving his skin burning in their wake. Every part of him responded to Jeno as if he’d been made for him- a customized concoction of everything that drove Jaemin to insanity. 

Jeno caught Jaemin’s hardened bud between his teeth before continuing on his path, trailing savoring kisses to every inch of his skin that he could. When Jeno’s lips met fabric at his hips he didn’t waste time in unzipping Jaemin’s maroon slacks, pulling them down and discarding them with whatever else was thrown around the room. Once his pants were gone Jaemin weakly hoisted himself up onto his elbows, slipping out of his dress shirt clumsily before tossing that off the bed as well, leaving him in only his briefs as he fell back into the pillows. Jeno looked up at the sight from his place between Jaemin’s thighs, Jaemin’s chest heaving and his neck flushed. He looked so perfect like that, messy and reactive and  _ vulnerable _ , everything Jeno loved about him but heightened to levels only he ever got to see. 

Jeno had hooked his arms around Jaemin’s thighs, pulling him down on the bed a bit more and began lightly mouthing at his clothed cock, earning a soft whimper from Jaemin before attaching his lips to the soft skin of his thighs. He sucked a trail of bruises up the exposed flesh, and it had Jaemin writhing beneath him, soft sighs and gasps of pleasure with every glide of his tongue or scrape of his teeth. After a few soothing kisses to the purpling skin, Jeno hooked his fingers into the waistband of Jaemin’s briefs, looking to him for permission to take them off. Though as Jeno peered up at him his eyes trailed up to see a gold cross hung just above the headboard, and momentarily Jeno understood why people prayed to God. There Jaemin was, hands clasped into the sheets and body open for him with nothing but a piece of fabric between them, the image of sin; of lust and of greed. If he feared any God he’d have fallen to his knees in prayer then and there, because only something truly tempestuous and sinister could make someone as addicting and life destroying as Jaemin Na. If Jeno were ever going to enter any sort of heaven, it’d be with his hands on Jaemin’s skin, and their lips so occupied in kissing that neither of them would realize they’d stopped breathing.

“I’m gonna take these off now, okay?” Jeno asked softly, thankful his voice didn’t betray him despite how weak he was at the sight of him. 

“Please,  _ please. _ ” Jaemin lifted his hips off the bed as he begged, allowing Jeno to pull his briefs off and toss them away. Once he was completely naked, Jeno’s head buzzed at the sight; Jaemin was already hard, a bead of precum dripping from the red tip and onto his smooth stomach. Jeno swallowed thickly, his hands rubbing up the tops of Jaemin’s thighs, kneading the warm flesh and being met with muscle flexing underneath. Jaemin was so responsive, so hyper aware and reactive to everything Jeno did, and he was absolutely enamoured by him.

“What do you want, baby? Tell me.” Jaemin’s eyes fluttered open at the sound of Jeno’s voice, his face flushed and hair already skewed against the pillows. Jeno hadn’t even touched him yet, but the knowledge that he could, that he _would_ do anything Jaemin asked him to do made him weak in the most raw sense of the word.

“Jeno,” Jaemin breathed out as he reached down with weak hands to bring Jeno back up so they were face to face. Jeno complied easily as Jaemin pulled him into a kiss, his hands threading in his blue hair as his tongue slipped effortlessly past his lips. Jeno’s mouth was warm and tasted so singularly of  _ him _ , Jaemin was sure he could get high off of it. Everything about Jeno was enslaving, and once he’d had a taste of him that week before his mind ran rampant at what else he could do. The thoughts drove Jaemin to take initiative, because he knew that for all of Jeno’s abilities to have him shivering beneath his touch, that Jeno was afraid of hurting Jaemin; not just physically hurting him, but taking him past a point of no return, so Jaemin took the first steps for him. “Jeno,” Jaemin said again, pulling Jeno off with the grip in his hair to more easily look at him. Jaemin searched his eyes for a moment, his beautiful eyes that charmed him like a snake, took him through the garden to the tree, and Jaemin desperately wanted to pick the apple. “I want you.” Jeno’s eyes widened slightly. “All of you.”

There was a silence that fell between them, and Jaemin could tell as he looked up at his boyfriend that his brain was already running through a million questions, concerns, and realizations. Thankfully, Jaemin knew Jeno as well as he knew him.

“Jaem, I-” He paused for a moment, his brow knitting together in thought again. “I would love nothing more than to have you, but we’ve never done any of this before, I’ve never even-”

“Fingered me?” Jeno’s cheeks burnt red immediately at his words, his head tilting in a slow nod, and Jaemin thought it was cute that he was the one getting flustered in the situation. “I know, but, I have.” Jeno froze again, his eyes blown like a deer in the headlights and suddenly Jaemin wondered if maybe that's not what Jeno wanted at all. His face burnt a horrible red as the embarrassment set in, his hands falling from Jeno’s hair to cover his face with a groan. Had he brought it up too soon? Did Jeno even  _ want  _ to sleep with him? Why hadn’t he asked? “I’m sorry, was that too much? I didn’t mean to, you don’t have to obviously this is about you too and-”

“Jaemin.” Jeno’s sudden voice shut him up, and he was sure that depending on whatever he said in the next few seconds would determine whether he had to move countries and change his name. “Baby, look at me,” he said softly as he leaned down to nudge his nose against Jaemin’s hands, forcing him to reluctantly drop them as his eyes darted down to Jeno’s chest, avoiding looking at him directly. He noticed the golden cross still hanging from his neck. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m glad you told me, love.” Jeno placed slow and light kisses to Jaemin’s cheeks, his left hand reaching up to cup his jaw. “I was just shocked because,” he paused as he trailed his kisses to Jaemin’s temple, his lips eventually brushing the shell of his ear before he took a sharp breath. “The thought of you touching yourself for me is so fucking hot.” Oh.  _ Oh.  _ Jaemin’s mind reeled, his heart doing a complete 180 from absolute dread to need once again, and his hands shot up to grip onto Jeno’s biceps as Jeno used his grip on his jaw to tilt his head back, trailing kisses down the column of Jaemin’s neck. “You’re so good, you know that? So, so good for me.” Jeno attached his lips to the sensitive skin, sucking a harsh mark as a soft whine escaped Jaemin’s lips, his hips canting up at the sensation and the feeling of praise.

“Backpack,” Jaemin said suddenly, his fingers squeezing the firm muscles of Jeno’s arms when he’d pulled back to look down at him. “Front pocket.”

“You even came prepared, angel?” Jeno’s lips were curved up in a smirk but his eyes were dark, the surprise entirely replaced by something far away and silently hungry.

“Yes, and-” his cheeks burnt up again, but he wasn’t sure he could get any more crimson than he already was. Every ounce of blood had surely left his brain and went straight to his cock still hard between them, and his cheeks flushed in need. “I cleaned myself in the bathroom earlier. Well.” Jeno hummed in satisfaction, the hand on Jaemin’s jaw reaching up to gently brush his hair from his forehead and leaving a lingering kiss to his lips before pulling back suddenly.

Jaemin hoisted himself up on his elbows to watch as Jeno walked over to the backpack by the door, reaching into the pocket Jaemin told him to and retrieving a bottle of lube and a package of condoms. He huffed out a light laugh as he walked back over to the edge of the bed, tossing the items onto the comforter before reaching down to undo his belt. Jaemin watched in awe as he did, his eyes trailing down Jeno’s chest and his abs and his skilled fingers sliding his belt off with ease, just as quickly undoing his jeans and pushing them down. Jeno kicked his jeans off before letting his eyes finally meet Jaemin’s, that same light smirk adorning his perfect features and keeping eye contact with him as he pushed his briefs down, leaving every inch of him exposed for Jaemin to see. Everything about Jeno was sculpted and lean and strong; The Statue of David, Jaemin remembered. It was life imitating art, but in the back of whatever remained of his sane mind he was sure that it was not Jeno who resembled the art, but artists who made all their work in Jeno’s image. If God were real he must have supplanted the perfect idea of what a man should be in all the artists of the world, inspired the murals on cathedrals and the sculptures that lined the streets of Italy and the stained glass windows that told the stories of the creator and his son. Jeno was everything, he was everywhere, and he was the only thing Jaemin ever saw when he thought of beauty.

Jeno had finally crawled back onto the bed and repositioned himself between Jaemin’s legs. Every movement either of them made resulted in skin touching skin and Jaemin had never felt more  _ alive _ , every part of him buzzing with activity and so very aware that Jeno was above him and touching him. He’d let himself fall back against the pillows again, Jeno grabbing one to place beneath Jaemin’s hips before grabbing the bottle of lube. Jaemin’s breath caught.

“Jaemin,” Jeno started softly, his free hand soothingly rubbing Jaemin’s inner thigh as he looked down at him. “You can say no at any time, okay? And if I hurt you or it’s uncomfortable or you want to change  _ anything _ you tell me. Promise?” Despite the very ardent realization that Jeno was about to fuck him, his heart swooped at the sentiments, and somehow he fell more in love with him in that moment. His Jeno Lee.

“I promise. I trust you.” Jaemin nodded again in final confirmation, his lips curving up into a smile when Jeno leaned down to peck his lips again. When Jeno pulled back he popped open the cap of the lube, pouring some onto his hand and rubbing it between his fingers. When he dropped the bottle once again he leaned over Jaemin’s frame, holding himself up with one arm while his left hand reached down between them. Typically Jeno would’ve laid down between his legs, distracting him with bites against his thighs, but with Jaemin he wanted to see everything, every indication of what he felt that he could pull out of him.

“Remember to breathe,” Jeno murmured softly as his eyes scanned Jaemin’s features, and without warning he pressed his slick fingers against Jaemin’s rim, the pads of his fingers rubbing against the muscle to get it slick. Jaemin’s reaction was immediate, his eyes fluttering shut and hands shooting up to grip onto Jeno’s shoulders. Jeno continued to massage his rim, pressing down a bit more as he did which earned a soft sigh from Jaemin’s lips. It was the most satisfying thing in the world, watching as each movement took him further and further from composure, and as he finally pressed his index finger passed the tight ring of muscle, he swear he could’ve died at how Jaemin’s features scrunched up at the sensation.

For Jaemin it wasn’t a new sensation, him having had the forethought to stretch himself out at least once (ended up being twice) before going any further with Jeno, but with Jeno the feeling it gave him was something he hadn’t expected at all. With his own fingers it was painful at first, uncomfortable over time, and only remotely began to feel good when he had jerked himself off at the same time. However with Jeno, his finger only in at the first knuckle made such an intense pressure that crept up his spine, and he choked on a sigh when Jeno began to wiggle his finger slightly, slowly and carefully pushing in further as he teased at the muscle.

“You okay?” Jeno muttered as he leaned down to lightly brush his lips against Jaemin’s jaw, his finger slowly moving inside him to get him accustomed to the size. He wasn’t met with a terrible resistance, and he afforded that to Jaemin’s deep breaths beneath him, his chest rising and falling between gasps and whines.

“Yes, I’m okay.” Jaemin nodded resolutely, his eyes still squeezed shut as he wiggled his hips slightly at the feeling. Jeno’s fingers were slightly thicker than his own, and calloused from years of playing guitar. As much as it was better, it was still strange having something inside him where things  _ usually  _ weren’t up until a couple days ago. “Keep going.”

Jeno did, curving his finger slightly, bending and stretching as best he could before slowly pulling out and pushing back in the same way. Jeno continued that for a while, his lips ghosting Jaemin’s skin or connecting them in a kiss in light attempts to distract him, small words of affirmation leaving him when Jaemin would twist in discomfort. After what felt like years to Jaemin, Jeno finally felt like he was loose enough for a second finger, and the discomfort repeated. It was an arduous process, but Jeno didn’t mind it one bit, savoring just having Jaemin close to him and the light simmer of pleasure when their hardened lengths would brush against each other when Jaemin canted his hips. It was slow, and intimate, and perfect.

When Jeno finally had three fingers comfortably moving in and out of Jaemin, a sheen of sweat on both their chests, he expirementally curved his fingers up, feeling around Jaemin’s walls before brushing against exactly what he was looking for. Jaemin threw his head back against the pillows, a low and surprised moan escaping him at the feeling. He’d definitely  _ never  _ done that to himself before. Jeno repeated the motion a few times, rubbing against the same spot before pulling out and pressing in again, hitting it dead on every time. The new sensation had Jaemin’s nails digging into Jeno’s shoulder, steady moans and unfiltered begging leaving his lips with every thrust. 

“Jeno, please,” Jaemin whined out softly, Jeno’s fingers stilling inside him one more time before pulling out altogether. The sensation of being empty was suddenly horrible, and Jaemin wondered how he’d ever go on without having Jeno’s fingers inside him after being moulded around them.

“Since you asked so nicely,” Jeno said with a grin before leaning down to catch Jaemin’s lips in a warm kiss, every ounce of love he could muster pouring out of him in the simple movement. When he pulled back he looked down at Jaemin again, his heart swelling at the sight of his pink cheeks and parted lips coated in his own spit. An image of everything he ever wanted. “I love you, you know.” Jaemin couldn’t help the dazed grin that lit up his features at that, the hands that had been gripping onto Jeno’s hair sliding down to gently rub at the fuzz on his nape. 

“I know. I love you too.” Jeno seemed satisfied at that, pulling back onto his knees with the same smile plastered to his lips as he reached over for the box of condoms. Realistically he hadn’t had sex for a few months before meeting Jaemin, and Jaemin had definitely never been with anyone else, but before either could get tested it was the smart thing to do.

Jaemin watched as he pulled one of the foil packages out, reaching his hands out for Jeno to give it to him. He did, physically unable to say no to Jaemin, and stayed kneeling on the bed as Jaemin pulled himself into a sitting position. He pulled Jeno closer by his hips before lightly rubbing his fingers along the tip of his cock, causing Jeno to jerk suddenly at the miniscule relief, another string of pearly precum dripping down onto Jaemin’s thigh. The entire time he’d been fingering Jaemin he knew he was dripping, the sheen of both of their messes shining in the light divots of Jaemin’s toned stomach. His reaction must have pleased Jaemin, though, because a soft hum of satisfaction buzzed past his lips as he used the slickness of his precum to run from the tip to the base, stroking him with slow movements. A soft groan emitted through Jeno’s clenched jaw, and his hand reached down to settle in Jaemin’s brown hair to steady himself as he continued to pump his length, leaning forward and placing slow kisses to Jeno’s stomach. At one particularly nice swipe of Jaemin’s hand over the head of his cock, Jeno instinctively grabbed into Jaemin’s hair, tugging slightly in warning. Jaemin, evil as he was, giggled softly before removing his hand, using it to tear open the condom package and slip the latex onto Jeno easily. Perhaps he’d practiced a few times. 

“Lay back for me, angel,” Jeno instructed with as steady of a voice as he could muster, moving down the bed again to give Jaemin room to spread out. Jaemin scooted down until his head was able to comfortably lay back against the pillows, the pillow beneath his hips being resituated by Jeno as he did. Once they were back in their original positions, Jaemin watched with a beating heart as Jeno reached down for the bottle of lube once again, pouring some into his hand before tossing it back down. Jeno didn’t waste time warming it and went straight to coating his length in the gel, making the latex glisten, and Jaemin’s head spun. He was really going to do it, the forbidden thing, the sin to end all sins, the all encompassing act that made angels weep. He was lustful and greedy, hungry for Jeno in ways he’d never known hunger before, proud to love him, angry at the world for not letting him love him sooner, envious of all the people that got to love him before, and he wanted nothing more than to make love to him until he was so tired he wouldn’t move for days. He was committing all seven of the most basic things that made you stray from the light, but he didn’t care, couldn’t care, not when Jeno was leaning down to hover over him again, his fingers reaching down to use the leftover lube to coat Jaemin’s rim once again. Jaemin’s arms wrapped loosely around Jeno’s neck, allowing his legs to be pushed open as Jeno guided himself to his entrance.

“Tell me-“

“I will, Jeno. I’ll tell you if it hurts, or if I want to stop. I know you won’t hurt me. I trust you with my body.” The confession felt like taking communion, the body and blood of Christ. Jeno was drinking from the chalice, and Jaemin had given himself willingly to be consumed. Jeno nodded in quiet understanding. 

In between slow breaths Jeno began to slowly push himself past the stretched ring of muscle, the slide much easier from the helpful amounts of lube and long minutes spent prepping Jaemin open. However, Jeno’s dick was much larger than his fingers, and Jaemin’s face scrunched up at the feeling of the head of his cock filling him just past his rim.

“Slow,” Jaemin breathed out, his chest rising and falling as he remembered to relax. Jeno heeded his words instantly, taking a few moments before pushing in another inch or so, giving Jaemin time in between to wiggle his hips and grip at his shoulders and whimper his name.

“You’re doing so well, baby.” Jeno was leaving feather light kisses to Jaemin’s cheeks, trailing down to his Jaw and along the column of his neck. The feeling of Jaemin’s heat encompassing his length slowly was maddening, but he never pushed more than he knew Jaemin could take, aware of every catch of breath and clenching of his fists and raise of his hips. Jeno had spent their times wrapped up in kissing and mindlessly rutting against each other to map out every bit of Jaemin’s body that he could. When he’d finally gotten to  _ taste  _ Jaemin, make him cum down his throat and tug on his hair, he took even more detailed notes. Everything he did was to make Jaemin feel comfortable, feel good, and as his hips finally met the softness of Jaemin’s thighs he relished in the relaxed breaths that emitted past Jaemin’s lips. “So beautiful, so fucking perfect,” he muttered softly against Jaemin’s temple, his free hand rubbing soothingly up his sides as he let Jaemin adjust to his size.

“Yours,” Jaemin said in a soft sigh, his neck craned slightly as he writhed beneath Jeno, his fingernails digging sharply into the muscle on his shoulders. The sentiment did more to Jeno then he thought it would, filling him with a sudden need to prove that he was worthy of having Jaemin. He was taking something from Jaemin, and though he’d never succumb to the archaic ideas of virginity and purity, he knew he was still taking a first from him, experiencing something with him that he’d never get to recreate exactly the same way. It only made him love Jaemin more, and he’d never felt luckier to know him, let alone love him and be loved in return.

“All mine,” Jeno replied softly before adding, “as I am yours.” Jaemin pulled him down into a kiss, something fervent and full of want and for once in his life Jaemin felt safe to  _ want _ . He wanted Jeno, he wanted him more than anything else in the world, and he wanted to love him and touch him and make him smile and hold him when he cried. He wanted everything, and being as connected to Jeno as one could possibly be he knew that he’d never stop wanting him.

“You can move, Jen. I’m ready.” Jaemin spoke softly when Jeno had pulled back from the kiss, his hands adjusting their grip on Jeno’s shoulder as he nodded in response. No other words passed between them, Jeno comfortable knowing that Jaemin would stop him if he needed to, and Jaemin comfortable knowing that Jeno knew him as well as he knew himself. It was slow at first, Jeno only pulling out an inch or so before pushing back in with short thrusts, but soon he found a steady rhythm, his hips meeting Jaemin’s thighs each time.

And Jaemin saw  _ stars _ . His body responded in kind to the slow thrusts, soft moans and utterances of Jeno’s name slipping past his lips when Jeno would go deeper. Jeno’s grip on his thigh was an anchor, keeping him to the bed when he felt like surely his mind was abandoning him, going somewhere far away and only for him and Jeno; a garden of eden that had been abandoned by God, and instead of the apple tree sat Jeno in the center of it all. He wasn’t the serpent of temptation, he was the sweet and freeing taste of life, of rights and wrongs, of heaven and hell, of absolutes and maybes. Jeno was everything, and as his thrusts began to increase in speed he hit Jaemin in that same spot, causing his back to arch off the bed with a loud moan, and he felt entirely consumed by him.

“Fuck, Jeno,  _ there. _ ” Jaemin groaned, his nails raking up the expanse of Jeno’s back as he threw his head against the pillows, causing Jeno to suck in a breath at the wonderful sting. Jeno continued to thrust his hips in the same way, hitting Jaemin’s prostate every time, and soon they were reduced to nothing but sounds. Jaemin was tight and hot and clenched around Jeno perfectly, their bodies fitting together as if they were made for each other. Jeno dropped his head into the warmth of Jaemin’s neck, a low moan escaping him as he felt the familiar warmth settle in his gut, building with each thrust of his hips. “No, look at me,” Jaemin whined, pulling Jeno back with a hand in his hair. “Wanna s-see you.”

Jeno complied immediately, lifting his head from Jaemin’s neck to look down at his features, and  _ god  _ did he look perfect. Jaemin’s eyes were glassy, his cheeks flushed a deep red and sweat making his hair stick to his temples. Every time Jeno thrusted into him just right his throat constricted on a breath or a moan, and Jeno felt the rope in him tighten at the sight. Jaemin’s hands roamed up Jeno’s back and around his shoulders and down his arms, touching everything he could for lack of ability to think of anything else but touching him, and as he looked up at Jeno his eyes caught the glint of the gold cross hanging from his neck again. It swung with each thrust of Jeno’s hips, hanging over him as if trying to cleanse him of the sin, and with a shaky hand he grabbed it, yanking it off Jeno’s neck and tossing it off the bed.

“Close, Jen-“ Jaemin choked out on a moan, his hand immediately returning to grip onto Jeno’s shoulder.

“Me too, angel.” Jeno’s breathing was ragged, his blue hair sticking to his temples as well and Jaemin watched with whatever sanity he had left as his features twisted in pleasure, feeling a familiar sensation wash over him hard and fast. He was so  _ so  _ close, and he could tell Jeno was too, so he reached a hand down between them, using his own precum and whatever lube had messily made its way onto his cock to begin stroking himself in time with Jeno’s thrusts.

“ _ Jeno _ .” His voice came out in a desperate moan, the added sensation making it nearly impossible for him to hold on any longer. “I’m gonna cum,” Jaemin managed to force out as his back arched off the bed, his hips angling  _ just right _ for Jeno to push hard and fast into his prostate. 

“I’ve got you love, let go.” Jeno’s words were a beckoning to heaven, a call into the promise of forever, and Jaemin followed it.

Time seemed to slow as Jaemin saw white, a drawn out and stuttering moan escaping his lips as he came, painting his hand and his stomach in ropes of white. Jaemin’s nails in Jeno’s back raked across his shoulders as he writhed on his cock, body still buzzing as Jeno fucked him through his high, not giving him a moment to come down as he pressed his forehead against Jaemin’s. 

“Just a bit more, angel.” Jeno forced out the words through gritted teeth, his muscles tensing as his hips stuttered, motions becoming sloppy until his grip on Jaemin’s thigh became bruising, a low and sudden moan forcing itself past his lips when the rope snapped, and Jaemin knew he was gone. Jeno’s hips slowed as he rode out his own orgasm, deep and breathless sounds petering out as he did. 

Jaemin eye’s were droopy, feeling as if the soul had quite literally been fucked out of him, and he vaguely registered comforting kisses on his cheeks and his lashes, the warmth of Jeno still inside him as he came to. Life finally filled in the edges of his vision again. 

“Hey, Jaemin,” Jeno said softly, his breath still ragged as he gently lowered Jaemin’s thighs, his free hand reaching up to push the sweaty bangs from his forehead. “You with me?” Jaemin nodded slowly, his eyes blinking open to see Jeno smiling down at him. Upon finally registering what was going on, Jaemin immediately pulled Jeno down into a kiss, though tired and sloppy, still perfect and gentle. Jaemin’s arms fell to his sides as they kissed, and Jeno pulled back with a soft chuckle. “I’m gonna pull out now, okay? Then I’ll get you cleaned up.” Jaemin whined suddenly at Jeno’s words, one of his legs weakly reaching up to wrap around Jeno’s hips, keeping him in place.

“No, stay.” Jaemin had a pathetic frown on his features, his eyes glossy as if he fully intended to cry to get his way. 

“Hey, I promise you can sit on my dick whenever you want, but I really need to get you cleaned up, love.” There was a glint of amusement in Jeno’s gaze, and with a reluctant huff Jaemin freed him, grimacing as Jeno slowly pulled out. He didn’t like the empty feeling at all, but he was glad to be able to fully relax back into the bed, the soreness of his muscles settling in all once as he watched Jeno escape into the en suite. Jaemin took the time to look around the dim room, suddenly fully aware that he could still feel the music thumping loudly downstairs. He craned his neck to relieve the slight tension settling there, his body leaning back in a light stretch when he saw it; the golden cross hung above the bed. Jaemin slumped immediately back down, wincing at the sharp pain in his lower back as he did.

Jaemin wasn’t sure where this left him, or God. At that point he’d become a character to Jaemin, like the angel on his shoulder rather than the all encompassing dictator of his life. The physical ache leftover from Jeno was so wonderfully cathartic though, and he felt that it was partly him having amazing sex, and partly him finally letting go.

Jaemin’s attention was taken to the image of Jeno emerging from the brightness of the bathroom, reaching back at the last second to flip the light off before returning to the bed. He crawled next to Jaemin carefully, very aware of his sore state as he ran a warm cloth against his stomach, wiping clean the mess they’d made together, as well as the cum that had landed on his arms and hands. Jeno was especially gentle as he parted Jaemin’s legs again, running the cloth delicately over his softened length and between his thighs, cleaning him as best he could. When the cloth had finally run cold Jeno tossed it into their pile of dirty clothes, to be dealt with later, and opened the little package of wet wipes he’d brought with him as well. Jeno took Jaemin’s hands in his, carefully cleaning between his fingers and up his arms, getting a clean one to run over his stomach and between his thighs once again. When he seemed satisfied with his work he tossed the wet wipes into the trash can by the nightstand, and Jaemin’s breath caught when he saw his back.

“Jeno,” he said in barely a whisper, his hand reaching out to run along the red and scabbed lines across his back, all Jaemin’s doing. 

“Ah, yeah, don’t worry about it. I like them.” Jeno admitted as he let Jaemin continue to run his fingers against the marks. “They kinda look like-“

“A cross.” Jaemin finished for him, and indeed they did. The last swipe of his nails as Jeno had made him cum ran across the lines down his back, and embedded in his skin was a messy, bruising cross. 

Jeno turned around finally and gently helped Jaemin get under the covers, pulling him against his chest to bury his face in his neck. The room smelled like baby wipes and sweat and sex, and he’d absolutely have to clean the bedding tomorrow before leaving, but that was okay. Jeno had cleaned him as best he could, but beyond that, and perhaps most importantly, Jeno had absolved him of all of his sins. Feeling his lips against his shoulder sent a light buzz across his whole body, and that single kiss made him realize that it wasn’t God who made us sinners. It wasn’t the Father, the Son or the Holy Spirit that twisted the soul until there was nothing to live for. Jaemin had had sex out of wedlock, laid with another man, divested himself of the cross and called out Jeno’s name as if it were the only prayer he’d ever known. Yet there was no lighting, he didn’t burst into flames, the world didn’t end and his lungs felt like they could finally breathe again. No, it wasn’t God that broke the human spirit; it was people, the need for control, the need to feel wanted and to have purpose. It was fathers and mothers, preachers and Sunday school teachers. They broke you down and made you believe something you couldn’t see because they were afraid that they couldn’t see it either.

“I love you, Jaemin.” Jeno’s voice was barely a whisper, but it was the final step towards salvation.

“I love you too, Jeno.”  _ More than you’ll ever know. _

They fell asleep like that, wrapped up in each other's arms and exhausted to the limits of the human body. Perhaps Jaemin dreamed of something, he’d hardly have been able to remember in the morning when his eyes found Jeno’s features softened by sleep. He was no longer concerned with the workings of things he didn’t understand, or the mechanisms of the things he couldn’t see, because with Jeno the world spread out in infinite possibilities that Jaemin knew he could reach out and grasp. Every breath was deeper, every step lighter, and Jaemin would finally get to relish in living a life where he didn’t hold the burdens of the world on his shoulders. Atlas had fallen, but the world continued on, and Jaemin didn’t have to worry anymore.

Jaemin Na was free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, so. it's over :( this story has been really close to my heart, and it was a labor of love to say the least. this jaemin na i created was very much an extension of myself and the people i love who faced similar situations. the symbolism and the idea of sin and of wrong doings was something that i battled with a lot when i was younger, and as i grew up that fear lingered in the back of my mind. religion does different things to different people, and though this was a work of fiction it was rooted in a very near reality. i hope this provided comfort for some of you, and that you felt your own catharsis through jaemin.
> 
> i am planning on writing an epilogue to accompany this because i am so utterly attached to my little churchboy. please let me know what you thought and feel free to contact me on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/fanghyuck) and my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/venusna)
> 
> and thank you so much for sticking with jaemin and with me if you've made it to the end. i know this isnt the most popular fic in the world but the fact that some people truly loved it was enough. please look forward to more of my work!


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